I'm still going strong about the running kinda deal and it's 4 days and counting now. Though it's getting all the more painful cause my legs just hurt more and more after each time. Soon I won't be able to walk... Gonna swing by the gym later today and see when they're open. Then I'm gonna plan which days and times of date I'm gonna go there. And what I want to do there.
Sometimes when I think back in my life, I do feel like I'm kinda old, but I know that I'm not. I don't mind age though, and in fact I still think I'm too young. Too young to be taken seriously in society, too you to have a life, too young for my mind, too young for my soul. Mostly those last 2 but the others are a problem too.
No, I do kinda wish I was older. Older and more content with myself and life itself. That maybe I will have more life experiences and a better grip on reality by then. I don't know, maybe that's just wishful thinking. But I also want to look older. Sometime mid to late 30s would be perfect. There's a reason why I chose for my main character in my book to be 37 years old. It's somewhere around there where my mental age is. Also, I can't imagine how awesome I would look after that long time on testosterone!
My soul though, is more like hundreds, maybe even thousands of years old. Can't keep up with that, it would be impossible. But it is frustrating having a very old soul and a young body. I don't know exactly why, but yeah. They just don't fit together, my body and my soul. They are so tremendously different from each other you can't imagine what a hell it's been like. Not only the huge age gap but species, gender, experiences, home location, wishes, dreams, needs, wants, hopes, everything. Literally everything is so off that they can't co-operate at all.
I wonder what went so terribly wrong in my creation. But I do, slowly, realise that if I could take it all back and to never have been born as a human being in the first place, I don't think I would. I still miss Caspian, Naor and the life I had back there, but I would miss trying to be human too if I would delete it all. I wouldn't want to press that delete button if I had the choice to anymore.
That is a huge thing for me. To have been aching for going back to my past life for over 20 years to suddenly not wanting to leave this place, it's... yeah, huge. I would miss so much if I left right now. I would miss K, my friends, my family, cats, hot summers, drawing, writing, music, cigarettes/smoking and even Anna.
Though of course the list of things I would not miss might be longer: anxiety, asperger, hallucinations, memories of sexual abuse, the headaches that never go away, food, sleep, alcoholism, medication, loneliness, my broken heart, unrequited love, lovesickness, mood swings, allergic reactions, self destruction, self medication, dealing with being transsexual, and yeah this list is significantly longer.
But I don't want to die just because I feel like shit. I've been feeling like shit through most of my life and I haven't been suicidal all that time. Though I do get that people are worried. They keep constant check on me whenever things start to become dark and painful again. And they should. They have all the reasons to start worrying about me, or to never let go of that worry.
It is frustrating to me when everyone is so worried all the time, but in a way I appreciate their concern. Because as of lately, I've gotten a taste of what it's like to be that friend who has to see a friend suffer, and for the first time I know what that is like. To stand on the outside and helplessly watch that friend getting worse and worse. That there's not much you can do to help or support them.
I try. I try so hard it brings me down too. Cause I've never been in that situation before and I don't know exactly how to act or how to control my own feelings about that friend's well-being. So I do understand why you're worried and that it's justified and valid. I didn't understand that before. Back then I just thought you were annoying and I wished everyone would just leave me alone. But as I've come to understand it, I also come to appreciate it.
But back on topic again. I don't wanna kill myself. Not yet at least. Maybe in a week, or a month, or in two years. I don't know. But I hope it won't be too soon. I have goals and dreams to fulfil before I go and do something stupid. I have I book to publish (and I'm soon done, how about that, huh?) and I want to lose weight and have bottom surgery, try to end up in a relationship with K (or someone else if he doesn't love me and I manage to let go of him) and start practising karate again. Get to know more friends through school or something and get more tattoos. The list isn't that long, but it's enough to keep me alive. It's enough to keep me alive.
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