Conditional living

If I didn't have my parents as a financial support, I would not be able to afford food every day. I would have been smoking and drinking up all my money with not a penny left at the end of the month. That's how poor I am. Or I would not be able to afford having a phone or internet connection instead, but somehow that is more important to me than food is.

I've been close to ending up on the street, when I lived in Uppsala, too proud to accept my parents' help and with the constant lack of available apartments. If I didn't have them, I would likely be or have been homeless. The allowance I live on is so low, I have to explain it to people cause no one understands just how little they give people like me. It's barely enough to scrape by. I do get around 10.000 kr. a month, of which 5.000 goes to rent. Another 2.000 to bills and then I only have 3.000 to spend on cigarettes, booze, food, clothes, household things such as toilet paper; and drawing pads, pens, anything that I need or want.

That's so little it's literally frightening. Since normally it costs around 1.000 kr. for just food and I smoke for about 2.000 a month. I'm still highly dependent on my family to provide me with money just so that I can survive. But so is my sister. She doesn't have a rent so she gets, I don't know 6 or 7 thousand maybe? Yet, she gets money from our parents too to buy books and music and stuff. They would never give me that. It's just so fucking unfair that it makes me so angry sometimes.

So what do I do? I sneak behind their backs to buy such stuff and then say I need more money for food and smokes. Almost all of my clothes are tattered and second hand, and I can't afford to go anywhere. But then, apparently I can get more money if I do get some expensive activity like going to the gym or if I start practicing karate again. That would be neat, cause I do think I might wanna do that sometime in the future, and money is always an issue.

But one thing at a time. Gonna start school first and see how that goes. Then maybe by next fall I'll look into the local karate club maybe ten miles away from where I live. Could be fun, punching people in a civilised way again. Having people punch me in a civilised way. Don't know which one is the best. Yeah, I miss karate. It's been ten years now since I stopped it when I was 15. Depression and heartbreak made it basically impossible for me to continue, no matter how much I loved it.

Also, the demands on me got higher and it was required of me to go to camps and stuff and I was no way near stable enough to go to those. I dissociated, got far worse headaches, couldn't sleep and got so stressed out that I nearly fainted a dozen of times at a three days long camp somewhere in Uppland when I was 14 or 15 years old. Not very asperger friendly. But since I'm on Gotland now and not in Östhammar anymore, I'm hoping I won't be "forced" to go to camps in Stockholm. But you never know, I might be able to handle that better now.

It's just that it's so hard for me to contact them to ask what I need to know. When can I start? Where, grade wise, do I start? Should I move down a belt, continue where I left off or start all over from the beginning again? Which are the times/meetings? What does it cost? Should I apply for it in some way? Where's the hall where the practice takes place?

Also, if I can manage to wait until next fall, I will be one and a half year post op which is good since then it should be completely healed and I would have more movement freedom. Could possibly even take a hit or two in the chest area without having to worry about things ripping up and such. And oh my god, how nice it would be working out without having to wear a binder! Or a shirt underneath the gi. Like if things would start opening during intense fights, no one would take notice of it, it's a guy's chest and a couple of scars.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, and just having something to do outside of my apartment. Just hoping the bus traffic would work with whenever the practice times/meetings are. And that it won't clash too much with school hours.

Am I really gonna look for another person to start a relationship with? Another one than K, I mean. Is that even right? I love him, but I'm getting desperate, too lonely to stand it and romantically frustrated like hell in heaven.

Yeah, I'm miserable, lonely and longing for human connection. Is that wrong of me? I just want to feel another person's touch, hear them whisper sweetness in my ear, laugh about stupid things together, take midnight walks, smoke ourselves to an early grave, share the same bed, play video games together, anything. I crave intimacy beyond sex, I crave romance, trust and acceptance. Maybe my "demands" are too high, maybe I'm looking for a soul/personality that doesn't exist.

Could I even possibly find such a person somewhere, anywhere on this island? Preferably in Hemse or Visby but I'm not picky about that. It's a small island, or relatively small at least, and I have a sensation that it's not exactly packed with wonderful people lining up to date me.

Would be nice to be with a person who is not a cisgendered male for a change. Cis- or transgirl, transguy, or a non binary person of any kind. Cause I crave something or someone new. Is that a preference of some kind or am I just being too hooked up on gender all of a sudden? There are so many variations of genders that I can't fully grasp and I only exclude one group.

I don't think that's wrong, somehow. People, including me, are allowed to seek a certain type of person that could somehow fulfil them if so only in a small scale. Of course I'd always compare them to K and I wouldn't be able to find someone equally good or better, that I just know. But maybe I could find someone good enough. Someone who wants me for who I am and respects for who I am and just treats me like a guy and not as a girl or a freak. I hope that wouldn't be impossible.

Look at me, planning for the future and all! Not every hope is lost. I feel like shit but I'm still gonna live my life and I won't let a few tears and razorblades get in the way of living my life and trying to do the best of the situation that I'm in. I'm gonna publish my first book, start school again, start practising karate again, save money for tattoos (stealing from my parents and put in a jar or something, starting from next month), get into a loving relationship with someone and I have stupid hair plans. Yeah, I think I'm ready to live, more or less.