Transitioning from female to male, for me, it doesn't make me a happy person. But it saved my life. I don't know if I should see transsexualism as an illness, cause I doubt that's the right word for it, but transitioning, for me, is like a treatment for something that was/is wrong with me. Some scientists say that you get it because of something going wrong with your hormones before you're born, so I suppose that in one way or another it's at least biological.
I think it's funny though, that no one really knows why some people are transsexual. I mean, what makes it occur in the first place. I find that interesting. Like nature's little quirks without any reason or rhyme. It's sad though, cause I wish no one would have to be transsexual. Because it can be such an awful experience with dysphoria, society not accepting you, friends and family not accepting you, and it's so hard to just live with it. Because it is.
Now, I can only speak for myself and some of my friends who are in the same situation perhaps, but it is hard. It's hard to live with your own body that you can't even stand looking at half the time and when you finally have a good day then someone comes by and questions your gender and you're down to zero again. It's hard when no clothes fit you and if they do it brings out what you're trying to hide. It's hard feeling like a stranger in your own body.
I don't think I'm actually transsexual in the usual/conventional way, but all the more I just wanna be a regular guy. When I first came out and stopped pretending to be a girl, when I changed my name and pronouns, I took pride in being transgendered. I wanted the world to know my background and the journey that lied ahead of me. But now... I don't know, but I get more stealth every day. I don't wanna be seen as the "woman who became a man" because it hurts.
It hurts to be constantly reminded of what I'm trying to hide. I'm open here, because I need to vent and have a free zone or something, where I can just unleash everything (almost). I've been thinking a lot about it recently, again, me being trans and stuff. And what I should do about it. I'm thinking of undergoing SRS but I'm not sure. It's like... I don't know. I feel like I want it and need it even, but not sure if it's worth the risks. Cause there are always risks about surgery, whatever the kind, and well yeah, it's kind of a sensitive area. You really don't want it to get ruined.
Right now, my emotions and my reasoning clash, they don't fit. Reason whispers no, but emotion screams yes, so which one should I listen to? I've decided to give myself six months to think about it, dwell on it, ponder over it. Besides, I'm not allowed to do it until Rättsliga Rådet gives me their approval and legal gender change. So I'm thinking it will take some time for them to get their heads together and tell me that I'm cleared, and in the meantime I'm gonna think about it.
Then call my surgeon to ask a gazillion questions and learning more about the procedure before I reach my final decision. At least that's my plan. In the meantime, I'm weighing pros and cons and ask myself the same questions over and over until I know how to answer them with both reason and emotion on the same level.
I don't need to hurry it up though, damn I could ponder over it until I'm 90 years old if I want to, it's just that I don't want this hanging over me for 65 more years. If you know what I mean. My main question is: can I live with what I have, or do I need to be complete? Cause that's what it's mostly about, I just wanna be complete. And also I get dysphoria and shit regarding that too.
I don't know how much I wanna talk about this, but... I don't know, sexually it doesn't quite matter as much what I look like. Cause seriously, I'm basically asexual and it's always been hard for me to find pleasure in it. Don't know if it would make it better if I change how things look, could be better, could be worse, I have no idea. But I doubt it could get worse, to be honest, it can't get much worse. I seriously don't know what I like or don't like sexually, I have to re-explore when/if I get a new partner either way.
Dunno if that's the testosterone making things feel differently or if it's because I've never had the chance to actually explore. Cause honestly, most men, especially straight cismen, only want one thing when they're with a person equipped the way I am (and no I don't know how they could be with me and still consider themselves straight, it's not like I am or even look like a girl). There's just no arguing. If I don't like it that way, then I must not like sex at all, right? Well, maybe I fucking don't.
So anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if I choose to go through with SRS, I will have no idea if it could improve my already seriously shitty sex life. But at least then, I would be viewed as an actual guy and not a freak, sadly. NOT why I wanna do it though, cause those kind of people who view me as a freak are just not coming anyway near me and definitely not in under my clothes. Just making that clear. I would never do any kind of surgery to please anyone else but myself. That's just the way it is.
Every day I'm getting a little bit closer to a decision, a little closer to a "yes" and a little further from a "no". So who knows, maybe one day I'll be going in for surgery again. But I'll make damn sure I'm making the right choice before I do so.
*SRS = sexual reassignment surgery (the "sex change" operation, in case you didn't know about the acronym).
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