DISCLAIMER: GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT
Okay, this is something I've been pondering over for a few weeks now and I feel like I'm incapable of making a decision. It's about if I should or should not do SRS and why I think I need it and why I fear possibly regretting it if I do go ahead and do it. My confusion is gigantic but I think I managed to write it somewhat understandable. A warning: this is deeply personal but I kinda do need some kind of input cause I'm overthinking myself to a new level of insanity. I have not edited it much and it's very long.
I think why I haven't been able to enjoy vaginal sex lately is not because of the lack of a good partner, but because of testosterone. It's become thicker in there or what to say, and it's just not comfortable no matter what I do. So I believe that the only way for me to be able to enjoy that again would be stopping testosterone so that I menstruate again for it to "thin out" in there. And I'm not gonna stop taking testosterone for anything in the whole god damn world!
I might rather mourn my vagina and the good times we had together, but it's somehow worth that and also I sort of think that it would be an upgrade to have a functional dick rather than this nowadays not so functioning vagina. It is actually a bit out of order since I started taking the hormones, and I accept that. At least I do now, even though I sometimes do miss enjoying having sex that way.
But then I think about how awful it has been trying to have sex like that since after I started with the hormones and if I go for the surgery, I wouldn't miss that. That I "lost" my ability to have vaginal sex in a pleasurable way when I started on hormones, instead of that I will lose it if I do the surgery and close it up for good. Yes, that is required for the kind of surgery that I'm considering.
I've always been very tight and now I'm so damn tight I can just barely fit a finger in there, so a dick just can't even... yeah, it just wouldn't fit at all. Not without extreme fiddling and much pain at least, so what's the point? I just don't like it anymore, it's basically ruined and it wouldn't make much difference closing it up for good, cause it's already pretty fucking closed.
The only "use" I have for it now is in my fantasies, and that's what worries me a little, like would I be able to fantasise about great vaginal sex if I don't have a vagina anymore? At this time, in this moment of my life and the past few years, it's most satisfying part of my sex life, just masturbation to wild fantasies and porn. It's not much but it'll do, for now at least. But then again, if I truly believe that the surgery would be a great improvement, then maybe I could change my fantasies as well?
It's just that it's hard fantasising about something that I've never had. But with a little practice, and some actual experiences, it could work. Cause I really fucking dread that I'd be disappointed and regret it cause I can't get myself off because it looks different down there. I mean I'm very damn used to how it is now, how it feels and exactly what to do to reach orgasms since I've been at it since I was nine years old.
Except that isn't all true, cause it has changed since I started testosterone. Things have gotten significantly bigger and I know for sure that the bigger and more dick-like it gets, the more I like it. It's like I don't ever I want it to go back to being entirely female again, and since I really, really do want it to look and function like an actual dick, I seriously doubt that I would regret having the surgery.
Let me put it this way:
- I don't have any use for my vagina anymore and even though closing it makes me feel a little uneasy, I don't think it would be something I'd actually miss.
- I do and have always wanted a dick but I've never wanted to have a big one, so metoidioplasty would fit me perfectly.
- I think it's grown enough for that surgery to be possible, it's within normal size range and it's still possible for it to grow even more.
- My sex life sucks pretty hard as it is now so changing things will most likely improve it because honestly it can't get much worse.
- Peeing standing up would be awesome. I've always wanted to try an STP but I've not been able to a hold on one that also looks like a dick, and I'm not so fond of using a prosthesis anyway.
- I think the results of metoidioplasty look awesome as far as what I've seen.
Doubts:
- Complications.
- I might but not likely miss my vagina.
- I might not be big enough for the surgery.
- Possible regrets.
- Loss of sensation, but perhaps a little loss won't be too bad since I'm too fucking sensitive as it is now. Too sensitive mean it sometimes hurts.
- And I'll fucking need to stop smoking again...
But that's pretty much it when it comes to the doubts. As you can see the pros heavily weighs out the cons. But if I can "deal with" the cons then I'd say I'm ready for actually doing it. And somehow I'm already looking forward to it with a smile on my lips. So what's the real issue anyway?
I remember saying long ago (like before even starting transitioning 5 years ago) that I would think about it, but it's not until now that I'm actually thinking about. With real reasoning and weighing of pros and cons. I try to imagine what it could be like. Comparing what I have now to what I could have in that possible future. Asking myself important questions. Anything and everything is rushing through my stressed out mind, I can hardly even rest from it.
I feel like I should discuss this with someone, but I can't think of anyone who would want to listen to me rambling about my genitals. Or someone that could have an actual opinion about it, preferably without being overly embarrassed cause that totally wouldn't exactly be helpful. I'm stressing myself out with all these thoughts about reaching a fucking decision hopefully already this year. It stresses me out because if do it then that is an irreversible operation that can't be undone.
I mean it's different from the mastectomy I just did earlier this year, cause I've been sure of that I didn't want tits since I got them when I was 10 or 11 years old. It was such an easy decision that it was barely even a decision at all. It was basically just undoing what was never supposed to have happened. Getting tits was something that happened to me, I wasn't born with them. I lived the first 10 or 11 years of my life without tits, just like any female-born person.
It's different with my genitals, because those I was born with. I've never had anything else down there. I truly want to have the other option, but I can just barely imagine what it could be like. It's an actual decision to change it into something entirely new for me. It's not the same as mastectomy.
Arghhh... tried to find an internet forum for transsexuals somewhere online but I couldn't find any at all through google. What the actual fuck?! I need to rant somewhere and the Swedish forum is down at the moment, they are having serious issues and they might not even be able to ever get the forum up and running again. I feel so lost... seriously, these thoughts are fucking eating me alive.
As you can probably tell, if you've read this far, I'm overthinking myself to an early grave. If anyone has any advice on where I can turn, PLEASE do not hesitate to drop a comment. I will only post this because I'm becoming rather desperate in my decision making and I kinda need some support.
My shrink doesn't know much at all about transsexualism, my mother definitely feels uneasy around the subject of sex and genitals, my friends aren't much help either. I don't have contact with the team in Huddinge anymore and besides, it's pretty fucking inconvenient to travel across the ocean for some consultation. There are no such professionals of what I've been told on the entire island where I happen to live.
Sorry that this became half a book of my extremely desperate indecisiveness about deeply personal stuff that you probably did not want to know about. I'm sorry for being so open with you.
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