The hardest decision

How can I... just let it be? Just let it go? Be silent at a distance further than any amount of miles? How do I breathe? What am I supposed to do, just sit here and hope things will get better? What can I do? If there even is anything, anything. Just the slightest little something, than just sitting here so far away it feels like the moon is closer.

It's been tearing at me, just tearing at me and I don't know which is worse, seeing you in pain, feeling that pain or how damn fucking helpless I feel. I just can't deal with this anymore. I'm so, so, so sorry... but if we ever end up together, it rather be quickly, cause I can't deal much longer. I love you, I love you so much, but I need to move on.

I've been in love with you for almost a year and a half and I still don't know if you could ever love me back. I know I'm too shy for anyone's own good, and I know I shouldn't give up. I won't give up on you, I'll always try to help you as much as I can without breaking apart myself, I'll always hope you'll get better someday. But I can't wait for us to end up together for all eternity. And for that I'm sorry.
My heart is fragile, always dancing on the edge, playing games with me so to the point that it has driven me to madness and suicide. I'm wasting my life. I don't want you to know that slowly I'm giving up. But I do want you to know, that you might be, might have been, the love of my life.

And it's so typical, if that is true. It's so typically my life that I was to fall in love with you, and the love of my life was unrequited love. How lonely I feel. The loneliness is tearing my soul apart. I could die for you, even if you never loved me, even if you never will.

My love life is just a tragic mess from the very first person I was infatuated with when I was, I dunno, maybe eight years old. Maybe I now just want to avoid another heartbreak, but I know, I know that I can never avoid that. I can't stop loving you, cause people don't just fall out of love like that. It's the fire burning inside me that only burns for you, it's my heart that only beats for you. It could kill me. I literally fear it almost every day that my love for you will be the reason I'll end up committing suicide.

It's awful, but don't you ever blame yourself. It's just my stupid heart, my broken soul. I was broken before I fell for you. Damn I was such a mess, but you gave me hope, somehow. And I just knew that if I could be with you one day, everything would be alright. Maybe not instantly, but a shared darkness, shared despair, suffering and loneliness... is better than felt alone.

It would be a dream come true, and I want to hold on to it, I really do, but I have to let you go. Not exactly right now, but in a few months perhaps. If you're still around, if I'm still around. If moments have passed without anything leading us anywhere... then I'll confess to you, not expecting a yes, not even a maybe. Just telling you to let you know, that you are my favourite person in the whole world, you're remarkable, you have the strongest most wonderful personality and the sweetest heart. And I will never love anyone else the way I love you.

If that time comes, I will let you go. It would be the hardest decision ever and I'm not very good at making decisions. I'll never abandon you, you're safe in my heart, forever, no matter what happens. Cause you're in my soul now, remember? I said that last summer, but I didn't say it to you. I will though, one day or another.

Even if I fall for someone else, even if I marry someone else and have children with them, I could never love them the way I love you. Always I'll be waiting for you, ready with my suitcase for the next flight, whenever you need me. So even if I do let you go, I can always come back. I'm just a phone call away, just a terribly long and complicated trip to the main country where you live away.

But I have to live. I can't die like this. I'm pining away, just withering away. There are things I want to do before my time is up and I only have a few years left. I have to go on living and though I'll hold on just a little longer still hoping to end up with you, after that time is up, whenever that will be, probably within this year, I will let you go and start living my life again.

Try to fall for someone who wants me. Explore. Be with someone who could stand being with me even if I can't stand being with them. Have great sex. Maybe marrying someone. Adopt a child. I feel trapped in this state I am in now, and the walls are just closing in. Soon I can't breathe at all, I'm suffocating myself. I feel it whenever I'm around you, when we talk, when we don't, when I go to bed and you're the last thought on my mind, when I wake up and you're first thought on my mind, when I look at my cell phone and you're staring back at me, on the computer, in my diary, in my drawings... everywhere, all the time.

And I know that one day it will have to stop. Cause this is no way of living. Lovesickness... I've never been through anything worse in my entire life. Because it's been lasting for so long and so painfully. I don't want to die this way. I'm not complete, I'm not ready, I'm not done yet. I'm chased by a terrible future and it's just getting closer and closer every day until I turn 27 years old and I will know that every breath could be my last. That, is the last year I will be alive. I won't turn 28, I just know it.

I want to be with you, more than anything in this entire world, cause you are my world, you are my everything. But if I can't be with you, then I'll just have to find a way to move on. If that means ending up in a relationship out of sheer desperation, self harming myself to a new level of insanity, end up in the psych ward again for whatever reason, get my heart broken for the tenth time, isolate myself for months, I don't know. But somehow I just know that one day I will still stand up and say that "I'm still here".