Practice what I preach

I believe I cut mostly because I hate my body, but I know that isn't quite an effective method to deal with that self hatred. It doesn't help. Yet I keep at it to try to gain some self control but I know it's hopeless.

I'm soon gonna make the smallest portion (half a portion) of porridge ever known to man. Because I feel guilty if I eat too much, and I figured if I eat less but more often I will have an easier time losing weight. So yeah, tiny breakfast, tiny lunch and tiny dinner.

Usually it's breakfast at around 11:00, lunch at around 14:00, dinner around 18:00 and then I have something small at 21:00 which is 3-4 hours before I go to bed. You shouldn't eat later than that, which is a professional opinion I've heard and read from a various amount of resources. It's about how the body processes the food when you're asleep.

Trying to plan my meals might be a good thing. Cause it's important that I know what I'm doing and having some consistency in my eating habits too. Weight loss seems like priority number one and then I can deal with the rest with less focus. And then I go for a run around noon, at least 30 minutes after breakfast. Then take my walk to the grocery store prior to getting my lunch, but not every day. That walk is mostly about just getting to the there and back.

I can't help but thinking about how my exercise routine should look like when I begin school again in January. But there are several months until then, so I know I shouldn't worry about that just yet. Besides, it's fairly easy to plan such things, in my opinion. Probably gonna take a run in the morning before school and then go to the gym in the afternoon/evening. Can't be much more complicated than that.

I'll probably be paying for lunch in school but not eat much of it. Just something to keep me going, you know. Damn, I'm talking about that as if I'd still be on my weight loss journey by then... I hope not, but maybe I'm just sure, somewhere inside me, that I won't be satisfied with my weight by then either, whether I've reached down to 50 kg or not. And damn, I'm gonna get so much comments about me being too thin... how annoying.

Because that shouldn't be anyone's business but my own. It's my body, my choice. It's about body image, self control and confidence, things that I need to achieve so that I can live with myself. It scares me though, that if I would gain weight, to be become overweight again, I'm not even doubting that I would kill myself. But I'd rather leave a pretty corpse behind me, so do you see a problem there? Maybe not, if you think being overweight wouldn't make me ugly.

But I do, and I think so, and somehow my own body image and self esteem is more important than your opinions. Though I like hearing that I look good, so if you think that, I would appreciate it. I might not be good looking in my own eyes, but I do realise that I might be in someone else's.

And I'm not the kind of person who discards compliments just because of my poor self esteem. I really appreciate it and it does make a difference. Maybe not a significant difference, but something. A smile, you may make my day, or at least a few hours.

I'm about to make breakfast, just gonna finish smoking this cigarette. Then I have to start editing again. Okay, done. Tiny portion has been made and eaten. Full? Not in the least. But it's something. If I'm gonna starve, I better do it right, with small portions throughout the day instead of just one normal sized portion. It's about the same amount of food, just more spread out. Gonna buy chicken, lettuce, cucumber, onions and cheese later today to make myself a tiny salad for lunch. I'm healthy, in very small doses and that feels pretty good.

So I really needed this circadian rhythm, just need to go to bed earlier. I need some consistency and eating and exercising at somewhat the same times every day, get a routine, no matter how boring that is. At least it will keep me busy. Gonna swing by the pharmacy today as well, it's on the way to the grocery store. See if they've got some apple cider vinegar capsules, cause I don't think I'll manage the liquid form.

Then I'm so gonna hit the gym at 17:00 which is when they open. Would have gone earlier if I could, but alas, I obviously can't. Then maybe whip up some kind of dinner directly after. Oh yes, I'm taking this very seriously. Desperate enough to practice what I preach.

I've been on and on about this outside of the blog as well, but felt like it was mostly just a lot of rambling. I get obsessed and look up dieting and exercising websites as well as pro-ana tips and inspirational youtube videos about weight loss. Try to find any information and inspiration I can find. Google thinspiration and before-after pictures. Plan my plan in detail and exactly what I'm gonna do, how long it will take and so on and so on.

This is an endless rambling so I'm just gonna post this and then continue later.