I realised that I never really came out to my parents. That sounds way more horrible than it was/is. I never said "I'm transsexual, call me John" or anything like that. I just gradually discussed it with my mother over a very long time period (years). I let her be a part of my self discovery. I only came out to my mother among my family members, because I trusted her to tell my father and sister. I just couldn't stomach it, once I had realised and changed name and pronouns.
Then I've discussed it a little with my sister, she had some questions and stuff like that. I think she's the one in my family who has taken it best. Likely because she's the youngest and interested in odd things so I think she thought it was a little exciting. She was the one who learned to use the right name and pronouns first. It took about two years for my mother and I don't think I've ever heard my father refer to me by either name or any pronouns. Don't know how he even manages that. And before you say it, I don't want to know how they refer to me when I'm not around. That goes to everyone I've come out to, by the way. If you're talking about me behind my back, just keep it that way.
Some people, I don't even know if they are aware of the fact that I'm trans. Like the crew, do they know? They treat me like a guy and I've never gotten any questions about it. Either they're just as stealth as I am or they don't know. At school, when I was there last winter, I wasn't sure either who knew or didn't know. I let my sister write an essay about me for a school project when she went to that school and I didn't, but I don't know if that spread or anything. It was years ago now, so I don't think that information is left there anymore. If the teachers know, I'm pretty sure they're not interested in telling the students.
I did however come out the traditional way to my best friend and some other friends, but I also let it spread like a rumour as well. Mark my words: I let it. I don't even know exactly what my friends have been saying to each other about me, if there's even a grasp of truth, but I just trust them, you know. That they wouldn't say anything really gross and mean about me. I've been asked weird questions but I'm fine with that. I don't have and have never had a problem with being completely honest about the details regarding my transition.
You should consider yourself lucky that I'm such an open transperson, cause that is fucking rare. I mean really rare. I haven't met one other transperson who is comfortable talking about the stuff that I'm comfortable talking about, and I've met quite a bunch. Online and in real life. I don't know, maybe twenty or thirty people with some kind of trans background or identity and most of them are or were transsexual. "Were" as in they've transitioned and don't identify themselves as trans anymore, not that they changed their minds or something, just to be clear.
I don't know if I'll come out again, to a new person or group of people. I don't have to, unless there will be any situation where that might be important, like I don't know, locker rooms after gym class perhaps. In such situations I'm more comfortable letting people know than I am hiding myself. I want them to be okay with it, so that I can shower or whatever. I have literally never taken a shower in a men's locker room. Yeah once, but it was after school hours and I was with someone there... oops. One of my escapades that you might or might not have wanted to know about.
I want to though, be able to take a shower after working out or whatever, without having to hide my body and or risking being attacked. In Sweden, there are only or almost only a big room with lots of showers with absolutely no privacy what so ever, if you didn't know. So if I'd want to take my boxers off in such a place, the other guys need to be well prepared, if you catch my drift.
If I haven't done the surgery by then of course. And if the surgery turns out well, I will look like a cis-guy. Sort of, I mean I wouldn't get any weird looks. I would pass naked. A bit why I wanna do it. Not because of locker rooms though, but in general, you know. I wouldn't set my foot in a women's locker room, and frankly, I don't think they would want me there. Not anymore, haha.
Shit, it's like I'm making every other blog entry with like loads of TMI nowadays. Sorry if I'm making your eyes bleed from images in your head now or something. Haha, I'm just too open for my own good. Deal with it, okay?
Anyways, I don't really think there will be much of that coming out stuff in the future, except for if I end up in a relationship with someone who did not know about it already from before. Like K does, no need to come out to him. He knows, and he's always known. Don't think I've mentioned that before? Because it's never been an issue to either of us, for as long as we've known each other, and that would be what, about four years now?
I seriously don't remember exactly how and when we met. Which is to me a little embarrassing, and I can't help but wonder if maybe he remembers what I don't. I wasn't into him back then, that took me a few years until I started, you know, seeing him from another angle or what to say. Sadly, it was because I realised that we have a lot in common, like music taste, interests, personality and what not. Why is that sad? Cause I wish I wasn't that superficial.
But then I learned that I also accept, even love, our differences. That comes with some amount of depth at least. And not long after that, I fell in love with him, in May 2013. It's almost one and a half year ago and I've never, ever been in love with someone for that long before. He's really something... So there it is, our "history" or what to say. Though I've left a lot of things out, but still. I'm not gonna tell what I left out simply because that would not be okay for either him or me.
Besides, the whole world doesn't need to know exactly everything. It's true though, what I've said. That I'm completely out to him, that I don't remember how and when we met and this entry was supposed to be about coming out but then I derailed and started yapping about K again... Sorry about that.
I don't really have much more to say about coming out. Oh, I did come out officially to my school class in gymnasium, 2010 I think. They all knew me as a girl back then and I started living as the true me mid term, so to say, so I had to come out to them. Nooo, it was in March 2009, my god do I not even keep track of when I started living as the true me?! Seriously, my memories tend to fuck with me about a whole lot of things. Years and dates just blur, no matter how important they are to me. God damn it.
I started going to that gender psychiatrist or whatever their title was, in September 2009, so obviously I came out before then... And I got my diagnosis sometime during 2010, they never told me, I just saw it on a doctor's recommendation note for my allowance one day. GID, asperger and mild depression, it said. I had to look it up cause I didn't understand what it meant.
But okay, that's all I have to say about my coming out stories, before I derail again and start talking about my whole transition history from there on which I've already written down but I cut it out. Oh, well. Bye bye for now.
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