Not even in dreams

K, even in my lucid dreams I'm a fool who knows you can't be mine. I dreamed that I had injured my foot somehow and was occasionally in a wheelchair. I had so much fun with it that I pretended my foot was still bad when it no longer was. I was at a huge party, like a family gathering or something and you were there. I was constantly around you, as I had control in that dream, but I was so careful. I told you that I thought of causing myself another injury so that they wouldn't take my wheelchair away. Then just before I woke up, the party was over and we were the only ones left, we were collecting some chairs and put them away and I asked you "best friends?" and you said "forever".

It was a heartbreaking dream, but I loved being around you at that party and fooling around with that wheelchair. It was like an "all good things has an end" -kind of dream and I knew that I was chanceless, but hoped that we could be best friends at least. It was so real, too real. I miss my reality escaping dreams with you. The ones where we used to go on crazy adventures and we were either not sure what the other felt or completely in love with each other. Those were of course even more heartbreaking to wake up from, especially since I found out the truth. But in the very least, they were good while they lasted.

Twice in a few days I have now been lucid dreaming without even trying too. I'm glad that my fucked up brain actually included you this time. For a crazy love fool, I sure dream about you rather little. Not at all every night like some claim to do. We have no power over our subconscious minds, and according to my belief, the random dreams we get when asleep are all the work of our subconscious.

You are on my conscious mind almost 24/7, simultaneously as my eating disorder thoughts are. It's because I have several layers of thought processes and sometimes they switch places but they always co-exist. Two and a half years have passed, I shouldn't be on those pink clouds anymore and in a way I don't think I am. My love for you is so obviously a part of me now and I don't think that will ever change, no matter what happens. No matter how many times my heart breaks because of it.

Yes, you can indeed break an already broken heart. Cause what is broken can always break more. That goes for hearts too. But somehow I think it's worth it, having my heart broken because of my love for you. Cause I've never felt a love so pure, so complete and unconditional before. It is like the purest of essence, love in its purest form. Is it silly that I believe that? Or that I think the whole world would freeze in a matter of seconds before I'll stop loving you?

It's so simple really, so crude, yet so incredibly hard to explain. It has always been this strong, although sometimes it's felt like it's been getting stronger. Like I somehow manage to feel even more. I know even locking away my emotions could never take my thoughts off of you. I know dying won't make me stop loving you either. I just wish things were different. If maybe we lived closer to each other, if maybe we had had more time. I don't know. It feels like you could maybe have loved me too if the timing had been right.

But it wasn't, and I fell for you when you already loved someone else. I mourn what we never had, what I never got. And it makes me feel so empty, as if I've been hollowed out. I was so close to suicide today, but I knew I had to hold on, for you, because I don't want to hurt you. I wish I could make sure somehow, that you're safe and happy, but it never quite works that way. Now that I know I can't have you, in a way I'm letting you go. Be with whoever you want, I just want you to be happy, or at least as content as you can be.