Real love

I still wonder if he knows, still not sure if I really have a chance with him. I'm still very shy, even when I'm drunk, and my hints are very vague, I hardly notice them myself. I give him compliments, about all sorts of things, but they only show care and liking, not necessarily love. If I was brave, like really brave, I would tell him that he's the most wonderful person I've ever met, but I'm not that brave.

And it's hard, keeping him in the dark about my feelings for him. It's hard because I just want him to know that there is someone, me, who really loves and adores him just the way he is. I think he needs that right now. Yet I'm selfish, cause I still can't, just fucking can't, risk losing him over telling him that truth. Afraid he would think it's just weird and awkward and push me away cause I creep him out.

I don't wanna be a creep, I so don't wanna be a creep, yet I can't understand why true love would make me one. I got that fixed idea that one way love is a thing for stalkers, that somehow I just can't understand how it's even possible for me to love him like this. Of course he's loveable, so very much loveable, and that's not what I meant. I don't understand how I can be in love with him unconditionally now and before I even got to know him. I wonder, can't help but wonder if that is love at all.

That's the thing about obsession. You get blinded and deafened and you lose your senses. You become insane over a very specific something or someone and that becomes your entire world, "just like that" and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it or stop you from your crazy feelings that has somehow gotten far way out of hand.

Do you understand what I mean, what obsessive love truly is? It's crude and awkward and so fundamentally wrong, almost like you become another person by losing yourself so completely like that. I truly am insane now, whether I was before all this or not. And I don't know what is true anymore. He could do anything no matter what, he could kill me and I would still love him to and beyond my death. That the one person I'd take a bullet for could end up being behind the trigger.

Don't get me wrong, I seriously doubt he would be behind that figurative trigger, he's a genuinely nice person and wouldn't harm anyone. I just know that, even though I don't know him that well yet. What I mean is simply that he is really everything to me, so to the point it scares me. I knew I got lost in the darkness I live in, but I didn't know I would lose myself when I found the light.

The thing is, I think I need to find myself again, for obvious reasons. I need to know if this is real. Back in September or October, I was afraid I had fallen in love with an idea of him, a picture, a bunch of written words. I thought that just seeing him in person would solve that mystery, but I'm still not sure. I can never be. Cause if I just believe that I love him unconditionally, or if I actually do, how will I ever know the difference?

Let's say we hook up, and I'm still head over heals or even worse off, am I then still hooked on an idea or truly love him? Or we don't end up together, if he rejects me and I still can't ever let go, am I in love with an idea or truly love him? What is real love, cause it's just chemistry and signals in our brains that we interpret as what we call love, so how can we ever define what it means, what is truly the difference between real love and a strong-willed obsession based on nothing? The only way love really exists, is in our brains.

I'm getting hooked on that "what is real or not" kinda thing again... cause I can never know, no one can ever know and it just totally bugs me. No, as deep into my heart as I can possibly reach, I know that he's in there. If I just think about it. Everywhere, in every fibre, he's reached deeper into my soul than anyone has ever before. And it scares me, that's why I react this way. I'm just so fucking scared cause I know what I would do if he'd never love me back. If he just can't.

God, I'm still so very lovesick. Shifting between thinking he should love me, that we are so compatible it's silly - and that he's too good for me, like why would he ever consider me of all the fundamentally broken people in this country? Well, he's a bit broken too, but I'm not sure he would like that I say that. But he's also struggling, and I don't know, but in a perfect world we could heal other, become who we want to be together, always together. Just the two of us against the world and all odds.

My fairy tales rip me apart. And I know that I should get real, but I just can't. I think I'd die then. But truth be told, I really don't know what is real anymore, or how to get there. I think that's it for tonight.