It hurts when you're gone

I'm losing it, I'm desperately losing it. For I've been waiting for K for almost two years and I don't know what has suddenly happened, for he isn't talking to me anymore. I feel ignored, tossed away, meaningless, stupid for ever thinking I might have a chance with him.

I hold my breath for what can never be. I'd move to Stockholm for him, I'd move anywhere for him. I really wish I could deny every other pleasure in the whole world just to wait for him. I wish celibacy was easy. I wish I was stronger than I really am.

He abandoned me. It feels like he has abandoned me. All I've been trying to do is to be supportive, helpful, a shoulder to lean on, open and inviting for him. I haven't tried to "jump" him or anything. Just one thing I ever asked from him which was his support on Valentine's Day and he didn't do that, but I hold no grudges. I'm sure he had good reasons and even if he didn't, I still forgive him. All I want is to talk to him. That's all I ever want from him. What more, or what less, can I want?

I'm so very appreciative of the smallest thing he can give me. But I'm not. At the same time I'm not and I'm withering away. I break apart inside and don't know what to do. During the autumn, sometime. I think it was in October or August, I actually told him that I like him more than as a friend, and you know what? He told me that he likes me more than just as a friend too. I didn't want to announce it, because it felt way too early, but now... he barely even wants to talk to me, and I know, that he's talking to a lot of other people instead.

I think he's avoiding me, and I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong. Should I just tell him that he's my single one reason to stay alive, to go on living, because dying would hurt him? Should I tell him that I don't just like him more than just as a friend, that I am deeply in love with him and have been for almost two years? Is there any point...?

I'm losing hope, I'm losing my will to live. I try to tell myself that if I die I would hurt him tremendously and I really don't want that. But my only reason to live doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.