Emptiness

I miss K so incredibly much that I've forgotten how to feel anything else. I'm just torn, so very torn apart. From everything, really. And all that remains is a hollow feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I drink myself apart, write myself to pieces and I can't get anything right.

About to purge my dinner now. I'm getting tired of it, but also addicted to it. I've purged every day for almost a month now. It makes me feel even more hollowed out. Even emptier. Not right in the moment, but right in the moment after, and it stays for hours, that feeling.

Yeah, that emptiness. Sometimes it eats me alive, consumes me, other times it's what I strive for. Feeling empty. It's what I drink for. And usually it's right when I stop drinking that last glass for the night, right after a purge and all I have is diet coke and a cigarette, is when that feeling hits me. It's like a graceful calm, an echo, a shadow lingering or like sounds slowly fading away.

And I become one with it, that feeling, what I've been longing for all day. But it's not satisfying. I want something else, deep at heart, I want something else. And that is the opposite, to feel everything so deeply, to feel alive. But I only want to be that way with K. Without him, I want nothing at all. And I believe it destroys me. That craving for what I cannot have, and my striving for the second best which is the exact opposite.

I am killing myself slowly, cigarette after cigarette, drink after drink, purge after purge. Those are my most dangerous behaviours right now, and they become my very essence. The reason, the cure, the medicine, the ultimate self destruction. I feel as though I'm just withering away, and I watch it, how awfully I wither with not a hint of grace. Destruction, it's rarely pretty.

But I'm still waiting, hoping, dreaming. But mostly I'm just killing time, and myself in the process of not caring what becomes of me in his absence.