I hate myself for making such a mess out of everything. What have I become? I nibble on the healthy food that I don't particularly like, then binge on the unhealthy food and purge it. Take a bloody photo of what I look like right after and drink myself to an early grave, all the while I also try to cause myself severe dehydration by restricting my water intake to zero, only drinking soda and booze while purging massive amounts of fluids every single day. A pack of cigarettes on that.
I'm a hazard to myself, like Pink sings in "Don't let me get me" that I have on my playlist of eating disorder related songs. But I'm listening to Sisters of Mercy while I miss K tremendously but still am incapable of saying "tja" to him in chat like I always do. Like we always do. Have I lost my spark? Is everything downhill from here?
I tried to be the strong one between us two, I really did and somewhat succeeded for months. But then I just crashed. I can't carry my own burden, so now how can help him carry his? I want nothing else. If I can help him that would be the meaning of my entire life. But how can I? I'm lost in my tangled chaos and it's only getting worse.
Where are we going from here? Marillion sings in their song "White Russian" and I can't help but wonder what will eventually become of us. I only see darkness but cry desperately for the light to find us, but mostly for it to find him. I live for him, I have no wish any longer to live for myself and I do think that the only reason I would "give up" my eating disorder would be if he told me to. I need his blessing, kind of.
But what if I die before that can ever happen, what if he dies? Death, it scares me more than anything, particularly his. And I do have reasons to worry, I really do. I've only told my shrink because of confidentiality and she has no idea who he is, his real name or exactly where he lives. It's safe there, that information. But I fear as I get all the more scared of the worst I won't be able to keep my mouth shut about it. I fear my own confidentiality.
Am I not trustworthy anymore? No, I am not. For information just kinda leaks out of me and I don't know how close up all those little holes allowing it to seep out. And I still kick myself for the information about K that I've let out to those that really, really had no business knowing about it. What would I do if he ever finds out? Should I just tell him in a desperate attempt to let him know just how terrible awful I feel about what I've done, to let him know that I love him more than anything by stating that I'd do absolutely ANYTHING to make up for the mistakes that I've made? But a part of me believes that those mistakes, they can never be made up for. And that keeps me up at night. And it should. It fucking should.
For I feel like a terrible person tonight. For every sip of drinks that I take, for every tear that ran down my face when I purged, for every bite that I took of the sandwiches that later ended up in the toilet. I feel awful for what I'm doing to myself and I feel horrible for what I did to the man I would literally give anything for. Not just my sucky life, but literally everything.
Is that love, or just desperation, obsession, compulsion? Do I love him and everything that is him, or am I lost in a chaos of feelings and love an idea, or an ideal? How can I ever know. Though I know, I just know that this love will last forever. I might move on one day, pretend that I do! I might fall in love with someone else who would love me too; I still so strongly believe that I would still love K, even if I'm no longer in love with him. Does that make sense? He's in my soul since July 2013 and that's a bloody long time for someone like me. Me, who always keep falling in and out of love with any stranger.
I have to stop writing soon, these words become my enemy and I cannot grasp their concept. They demand me to explain and explain but I'm grasping at straws and it just becomes like this unsolvable mess. My whole life is a mess and at the same time as I try to understand it I also know how it happened all along. I was after all there every step of the way. But I cannot understand it, no matter how hard I try. Am I really that sick of living? That I deliberately try to cause severe dehydration even though I almost collapsed from it the summer before last? I don't even know why I drink, but to numb every feeling known to man and mostly, it is love that I try to drown. How sad isn't that?
Cause I can't... I just can't stand loving someone who shows no affection in return. I think I know why, but I'll keep that to myself. That much I'm able to shut up about it. That much, I'm still able to stay loyal to him.
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