Like a monster

I wonder if I'll ever go in patient for my eating disorder. It's kinda leaning towards that. I didn't tell my mother half the things we discussed during that meeting yesterday. That they want me to talk to a doctor asap. That they wanted to take tests to see how my potassium levels and such are.

I don't want to scare my mother, on what's really going on. I'm scaring myself already as it is. But if I ever end up so bad I have to get rushed to a hospital, I will freely go in patient, cause this shit is literally killing me and I'm just now starting to realise that. That's the only reason I would ever admit myself to a psychiatric ward again though. Me and psych wards just don't go well together.

I don't even know if I want to die, I don't know if I want to live. I keep dancing on the border and I keep risking my life for stupid things. Like being thin is such a stupid thing. Isn't it? My latest obsession is killing me. And I'm doing nothing to stop it, in fact I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and then we'll see where it takes me.

Haha, apparently my tumblr fan is a 15 year old guy who I think is from somewhere in the U.S. but that's just a guess. Yeah, I have a tumblr fan. He's always liking a bunch of my posts and reblogs every day and we chat almost every day too. Wonder if he realises that I'm 10 years older than him. Damn, now I feel old... but it's nice, having someone to talk to in an often quite casual manner. I hope he's not developing a crush on me though... really don't think I could handle that.

So much has gone on lately, and I can't tell you half it (not yet at least), but these last two weeks have been like a monster swallowing me whole. Eating disorder, anxiety, school, relationships and stress would be a good sum up. I'm slowly shutting down, can't deal with the world. I miss K, where are you when I need you? I'm always here when you need me.

But that's the thing about one sided relationships, isn't it? If I can even call it a relationship. Well, it's a friendship at least, that much I can call it. Only in my dreams there is more. And how it ravages me. I'm breaking apart, I'm falling and he's not there to catch me. Other people are, but it's just not the same. And how I dream of falling into his arms... My dreams are killing me. Them too.

No, I know I'm not dying yet, probably still quite far from it. I don't even know about my potassium levels. They could still be good. I accidentally told them I started purging the 18th January when it was actually the 28th. It's a 10 days dif, would that be important somehow? I mean, did I worry them too much by screwing up the dates? I don't know.

I'm drinking water now, just a few sips, that's all I can muster, while waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in. My heart hurts, figuratively, maybe I should add this time. I just want to get away from everything right now. The whole world can just go and fuck itself sideways. I've had enough of it. Good night.