Fighting this, and cinder

I've been trying to fill my head with intense WoW playing and Sisters Of Mercy blasting in my head phones on max volume. For seconds at a time, I'm not even thinking about it. So I guess that would be saying it's almost actually working. Just keeping myself busy, I guess.

I wanted to believe that it was true, that he liked me too, and when he said it I did believe it, but later on I realised that he probably just said it to not hurt my feelings. I respect that, I even accept it because I've done the exact same thing myself, but with other people. I just wish it was true, that's all.

For as long as I can't face my true feelings about this, I bury them as deep as possible and won't allow myself to even touch them from a distance. I'll focus outwards and stay on the go, keep myself busy to distract myself in every way I can possibly think of. WoW, art projects, fixing with my looks (like maybe bleach my hair and shave off my beard, cause black beard and blonde hair would just look awful), do my laundry, take a shower, then go to school tomorrow... and further than that I haven't thought.

I still haven't eaten today. I started a chocolate goo right when I woke up, thinking it was gonna be a good day again (third time never is the charm) but couldn't eat it any longer when I found out about K being back together with his ex again. And I don't care if me saying that can make you figure out who he is, it doesn't matter anymore.

I just can't eat. I can drink though, and I've had 5 cups of coffee already. I might buy booze tomorrow, cause I don't care about that either anymore. Just buy a large bottle of wine and drink it all in one go.

I don't know for how long I won't eat, if it's just another hour or for the whole day. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, but I really doubt it.

I still can't go to tumblr or facebook, would be too heart tearing seeing those two together online, or anywhere for that matter. Was I not good enough? Or were you still in love with her no matter what I was or did? How will I ever know... what you mean to me, I can never mean to you.

I'm so done with love, romantic love, that is. Far too much unrequited, my heart is breaking for the last time. The only chance I have is with you, maybe sometime in the future if I'm still alive to face it. But I doubt I ever will be. I'll die before you two break up again if you ever will. It's the only chance I've got, and then I'm out of chances.


Cinder

"I breathe softly
lingering in a desperate state
so near so far so close
to finally suffocate

My door will always be open
even if I cease to exist
and I'm done counting the days
forty nine always on my list

Now I count the shards
of my heart breaking down to cinder
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
and my flame is out of tinder

I'm wrecked for the last time
and I can't fight an internal war
that I've already fought
and lost nine times before

My spirit is dying
as I jaded try to find
even the smallest glimpse
of real peace of mind"