Stay with me

I can't stop staring at his pictures, and my heart won't stop aching. The pain is almost physical, somewhere on the border. I still haven't heard as much as one word from K, I think he's avoiding me and I can't for the life of me figure out what I could have done wrong. I'm always so careful. Always trying my best to not be clingy but it's been three weeks since we last spoke and it's getting too damn painful. It feels like I'm losing him, but he's not mine to lose.

I tried to talk to him once on the 22nd February and a few times on tumblr since then. I don't know if I should stop, I don't want him thinking I'm abandoning or giving up on him. I just need for him to know that I miss him, like him and I'll wait more if that's what it takes. But I don't know what to do. The coldness he left behind is so powerful, so strong, so forceful. This dull aching, cuts but never bleeds, cries but no tears break out.

I'm in a vacuum, holding my breath until he speaks to me again. Cause I can't live without him. I don't know how to. I forgot it the second I fell in love with him, and that was almost 2 years ago. But time doesn't matter, it's both an eternity and just a split second at once. It's getting harder, turning down anyone that isn't him. I seem to once again just follow along everyone that give me the least bit of attention.

I'm so very, very lonely. But I can't love anyone else than K, I just can't. I gave him my heart and I'm not taking it back. I messed up bad again, but this time it's harder to let go, harder to say no and back away. When I'm just longing for any pair of arms to hold me, anyone's lips pressed against mine, anyone's love. I believe they are a good person, that's not the problem: I am. I'm the one with a black heart who takes and takes, unable to give anything back.

So I let the demon in me form a relationship that I don't truly want. I just want to be with K so bad... just to look into his eyes, feel his arms around me in a friendly hug, just to talk and possibly more, but I don't demand more, I only wish and hope for that. I get greedy, I got greedy when things seemed to go so well during the summer and a little bit into the autumn. But now... I don't know what happened and for christ sake why can't I stop crying.
Cause I can still cry, it's just that I can't shed tears. I cannot make them run for my own sake, only if it involves someone else or something else. I do not know why. But I'm breaking apart. I just want to lie down and not ever get up again. You can pick me up if you want to, but honestly I don't care. He's my only reason to live, and he's slipping away from me. Do you even understand just how dangerous that can become for me? Yeah, I think you do. Cause if he does abandon me, if he completely stops interacting with me... I can't stay.