I've finally decided that I won't do a hysterectomy, and probably not any other form of bottom surgery either. Sure, I still want it, but I just want to have a child first. At least give it a try, I don't know how well my organs work after 3-ish years on testosterone (1 plus almost 2 years) or if they ever worked as intended.
I won't jump onto that immediately though, I still have a lot of practical planning and such to do. Becoming a parent isn't a decision that should be made impulsively. But I know that I want it one day and I'm not gonna rob myself of my ability to have children.
Also, the longer I am on testosterone and the older I get, it will be harder to become pregnant. I also have that on my mind. Although I'm still only 25 years old (for about another month before I turn 26) I am scared of becoming too old for it. Also scared of dying before I ever get that far.
So, in spite of everything, in this moment, I have sort of already decided to have a child sometime in the future. It could be within a year or several years from now. But it's gonna happen. I don't care how unfit I am, I'll make it work somehow. It's really not about passing on my genes, or how to say it, it's just that I'm absolutely certain I won't meet the requirements for adoption. Like ever. I'm trans, not straight, not in a stable relationship with anyone, I'm mentally ill and can't take care of myself. How could I ever be given that option? It's not gonna happen.
So, I know the only way I could ever become a parent is to just bake one in the oven myself. And that I will, eventually, one day. I don't know if it's so much about getting ready for it, I already know that I am. I have thought about it and gotten ready for it for about 2 years, after all. No, it's more about getting ready practically and somehow finding a not so dangerous way of ending up pregnant.
I do plan to raise the kid myself, not gonna look for a decent partner to help me or whatever. I want the kid entirely my own and I just think randomly hooking up with a second father or a mother (that would then adopt) would just complicate things. Although, how can I raise a kid entirely on my own when I can't even take care of myself? Well, that is the biggest question, now isn't it?
I haven't figured out an answer for it, only new questions that I can't answer either. It would be the project of my life, basically. But as much as I know right now is simply this: don't get a hysterectomy, don't poke around there as I need things down there to be perfectly intact. And hope with all my fingers crossed that I am not infertile already. Could possibly test that as well though, by going to gynaecologist, I mean.
Those are the things I can do as of now, I won't just blindly jump into it. I'll try to plan around it as much as I can, but try to somewhat keep my plans secret from my parents. They don't want me reproducing and I know that they don't even like kids. So yeah... they don't want to become grand parents but it's my choice and fuck what they want.
Fuck what anyone else wants, by the way. I'm not doing it traditionally because I've given up on ever getting a decent partner in my life, and somehow, I don't think it would work with K if we ever end up together. If we do, things would probably get more complicated. I don't know, they might get easier too. If he even wants kids, I don't know that either.
I'm trying to leave him out of the picture, making it entirely my decision and that's the way it should be. I don't really care about anything else as of now, I believe things will sort themselves out.
Is it possible that I have some kind of motherly feelings going on only because of how my body is? I mean, it's not exactly common for young men who are tragically single to want a baby. For whatever reasons, I think it's possible that it changes things that I'm not shaped like most of those young men. If it's got something to do with my brain or my reproductive organs, or my upbringing or whatever, I can't really pinpoint it. But I think it's a possibility that my strong wishes for wanting a child one day is related to that my body was originally female and still partially is.
I don't know how much science is behind it, but I've heard about that the brains of transsexuals are possibly of their correct gender, that a ftm would have a male brain and vice versa. But if that is correct, I've always believed that my brain is either entirely female or not gendered at all. I don't think I have a male brain despite being male.
But it could be all bullshit, what do I know. Maybe I don't believe that brains have genders at all. But the mind do, and possibly the soul too. I would never see myself as a mother though, even when I'm carrying my child under my heart, it's a gendered word and I would only accept the words father, dad or parent.
I know of a person, I won't tell his name or anything, but he's also ftm and has given birth to a child post his transition. I know that he managed to get the papers stating him as the father to his child, although there was some hassle around it.
I wouldn't be the only transman to give birth to a child, but certainly one of the first Swedish ones. I hope I won't get too famous for it, I'd still prefer being stealth as much as I possibly could during a pregnancy. Say I have a beer belly or something, haha. Sad that the world just can't let people be.
And in a way I'm suddenly glad that it's 2015 and the times are not as oppressed as they were before. Back to when for example transsexuals were forced to get sterilised to be able to change their gender marker. It's still uncommon, for transmen to have children, but I think I'd get accepted in a way maybe I wouldn't have back 10, 15 or 20 years ago.
Though I do not strive for that sort of fame, I don't want to end up in the newspaper for simply having a child with all my disabilities and what not. People have children literally all the time, I don't want to be made special for it. Perhaps I can avoid it somehow, I don't know. Perhaps I'd be so damn fucking thrilled over having a child that I wouldn't even be bothered by that. How can I know?
My thoughts and feelings are running wild but I try to contain myself, a little. I never really contain myself on this blog, and maybe I just need a place to vent? I haven't been able to really let go of that wanting, for a child, since it first started echoing in my head and heart sometime during the winter/spring of 2013, exactly 2 years ago.
I was still seeing my DBT therapist when I ranted to her about my sudden wish to become a parent. It must have been awkward, but I sort of trusted my therapist back then. Mostly, that wish has lied dormant since then and the thoughts only haunt me sometimes.
I'd stop smoking for a child. I think I actually would, to not harm the little life in me. And of course stop drinking too, but I think that would be easier, it's just a part time addiction and not really important to me. And try to cope with my eating disorder (no starving or purging), aaand of course I'd be scared of the weight gain and try my best to not gain more weight than necessary. To not get like 20 kg extra weight, is what I mean.
Over all, I'd try to be good to myself during a pregnancy. As good as I possibly can and still be able to at least somewhat control my anxiety. A good thing about living on allowance, I could easily skip school whenever for something like that. Just another thought. My thoughts seem to be endless recently, just spinning in my head like whirl winds. But I'll try to stop them for now, again, but I don't know how.
It's just that my longing for children just gets more intense all the time and I know that I will get one eventually. Just one, by the way, I think that's about as much as I can handle, and let's just hope then that I don't get twins...
I wonder so much what it could be like, maybe the only happiness I can ever get in this life. Until social services takes them away from me... yeah, I do realise that is also a possibility. It would wreck my world, but even that thought doesn't keep me from wanting to try for a family.
Okay... long ass entry about me wanting a child in the mess that is my life not long after another baby ranting entry that I made just a couple of days ago or so. But it's what's on my mind and I just really wanted to vent and rant about it.
Also I wanted to inform you that I do plan to plan around it as much as I can and that I'll try to go about it in a decent way somehow. I don't know how or when, but not right now. Definitely not right now! -I try to tell the impatient me that just wants and wants and wants. For crying out loud, it really really shouldn't be impulsive, no matter how fucking much I want it.
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