It's so weird. Six months ago I was so sure that I wanted bottom surgery and hysterectomy, like I was dying for it, you know. I wrote so much about it, even went outside of my comfort zone to talk about my junk and all those feelings I had about it. And now... 6 months later, I don't want it anymore. Now I want to keep everything intact so that I can have a biological child.
I'm so glad that I gave myself even more time to think about it, despite thinking that I was certain. These life-changing decisions sure are exhausting and can I soon be done with such? No, I think everyone is faced with life-changing decisions all one's life, no matter if trans or not. It's just different decisions. Like I've never had to think about career or marriage, but I think about surgeries and parenthood instead. It's a mix of trans-related stuff and non trans-related stuff.
But mostly it is trans-related in some way or another. In a way I'm now glad that I didn't start my transition earlier, I would probably have cried rivers by now if I had had a hysterectomy earlier, like I don't know, years ago when I definitely wanted that. I hated children when I was a child, teenager and into my early 20's. I was repulsed and freaked at the thought of ending up pregnant.
I thought for sure I was never gonna want a child. Although, somewhere in the back of my mind the dream has always been there. Ambivalent, yes, but I wasn't aware of just how ambivalent I was when it came to that.
You might not know this, but back in junior high, when I was 13 years old, I wrote half a book on my first computer about myself that then became about a future me, a possible future that was both good and bad.
In that story, I was a woman (I didn't know I was trans yet) and got married to a guy that I knew in real life, although it was a one way crush fairly similar to my present situation with K (my heart has literally always been completely hopeless). Anyways, in that story I got married to that guy and we had a child together when I had gotten to my early 30's, I think. The child was never conceived before I stopped writing though.
I'm not entirely sure what happened to that story, just that somehow the document broke down and could not be restored, then the whole computer crashed too. So it's completely lost, I can never get to read that story or share it ever again. Completely gone. Anyway, it reminds me that even when I was as young as 13 years old, there was a part of me that wanted a child someday.
But at that age, I had my illusion that if I ever had a child, that child would be a perfect little angel and it was only that kind of child I could ever imagine having. It's a lot different now, of course. Just that knowing that if I ever have a child, or when I do, that child would be perfect in my eyes no matter what a mess they might turn into. With my genes, I can only imagine. Hopefully, they won't be too much like me.
Is it rare to think like that? That yes I want a biological child but hoping they won't become too much like me? I'm just so aware of my flaws, those that can be inherited or taught. My parents are sad that I got so much shit from them, and in return, I'd be sad if my child would get a lot of shit from me. Everything from bad teeth to mental illness, the list is actually quite endless.
Would it be cruel of me to sort of ignore that though? If I'd let my selfish reasons for having a child come first and then just deal with the rest if that becomes an issue? Would I be an embarrassing parent, by the way? My parents rarely were, although they had their moments too. For some reason, it's like I want to get pregnant for the same reason as my mother had, and it tears me apart, cause I literally hated her for having that reason.
I don't want my child to hate me, for any reason. Although, maybe I could just be more tactful about it than my mother was. I don't know much about my father, or what his reasons were. Despite him living in the same house as my mother, I don't really know him that well. I don't really mind not knowing him, it's just awkward, but I don't know why. (Could be my seriously fucked nightly dreams that's been haunting me since I was about 12, but they can't ruin things so much, can they?)
So mostly I compare myself to my mother, in more aspects than just this. And also because, despite being male like my father (sort of, but you get it) if I'll have a child it would be closer to my mother's experiences and thoughts and feelings about it, if you know what I mean. Because my father obviously didn't carry or conceive me.
I learn to do things on my own, and somehow, even if I had wanted it, I just know I won't get my parents' support on this. They might sigh and help with some of the practical once they realise that they can't talk me out of it, or if it's already "too late" so to say. But they wouldn't emotionally support me or be there to hold my hand. They would likely see it as me getting into yet another mess that they just have to help me through cause who else would?
Yeah, who else would help me through it if not them? I have so much to think about, how can I possibly do it on my own? I mean I can't even discuss with my endocrinologist about stopping testo, or go to a check up at the gyn to see if I even can get pregnant without having my mother drive me there. A whole world of complications just arose before me... sigh. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy, but damn.
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