I finally managed to drag my ass to the tobacco store to buy cigarettes and then found a lot of things at the grocery store too. I'll continue replacing beans with that soy based farce and nuts instead, for now. It's at least got some kind of protein in it.
And I thought about parenthood and children all the way down town and back up again. I can't let go, and I don't want to.
Would my eating disorder be a terrible obstacle if I got pregnant? I can't help but wonder if that could become dangerous somehow, for the baby, I mean. And then I can't help but worry about complications of any kind.
Like my friend who knows about this thing couldn't get anesthesia because of his male personal identity number, that the computer rejected it somehow. Or like what could happen if my child would be ill or injured somehow? Like what if has downs syndrome?
I'd just try my best to take care of it anyway, cause I can't possibly imagine having an abortion because of anything. It would tear at my soul and heart, to do such a thing when I want a child this much. I know that my genes suck, but there's nothing I can do about that. I didn't choose my crappy genes.
And suddenly I start thinking about clothes. What I should possibly wear during a pregnancy. Like I was thinking I could try those special kind of jeans if they don't look too feminine (I already wear women's jeans sometimes as it is) and combine that with men's quite large shirts and sweaters.
And baby clothes... oh my god, I want to buy that already! But it will be tricky figuring out if I should go gender neutral or mix girly with boyish. Or I could sew my own if I had the inspiration and will to do that. Or if I should go with "normal" or something goth-ish. I'd probably mix and match in a messy way that might or might not turn out so good.
Although, what kind of clothes to choose would be the least of my worry, to be perfectly honest. I don't even know if I'll raise my possible kid on Gotland or on the main land. Because I want to move back to Uppsala sometime not too far into the future. Although, I'd aim for going through pregnancy and the first year or so with my parents close at hand, because of pure practical reasons.
Yes, my parents would hate me for bringing a child to the world, but you know what? It's my life, my body, my fucking decision and they have no right to stop me from getting a child if that's what I decide for. They'd just have to deal with it. They could complain however much they want to, it's not up to them.
I really can't stop ranting about this, and I'm a little bit sorry for filling up entire walls of text about this here on my blog. It might be a bit tedious to read about by now. But it's what's on my mind and it's what's keeping me alive right now, so I think it's fair to say that it's important in that way.
It's true, I've become close to suicidal again, when I don't think about having children, because K never spoke to me again after 35 days. And I can't deal with that. I can't deal at all. And if it wasn't for these fluffy thoughts on parenthood, I could have been in that suicidal mess again by now.
So, I'm riding on those fluffy feelings of wanting a child, even though it's still way too early to tell if I'm actually ready for such a drastic change it would be to actually go through with it. And for a fraction of a second, I was actually glad in a fucked up way, that I was born with a female body, because that allows me to experience a pregnancy if that's what I truly want.
I'm not saying that I'm de-transitioning or anything even remotely close to that. I'm still a man, just sort of embracing a part of my body that I've always hated up until recently. My female parts isn't what I am, it's simply something that I have and whether or not I have those parts, I'm still a guy and always will be.
So, I'm definitely not going female again, just possibly use what I have the way it was intended, or what to say. Make use for those child bearing hips and that junk that rattles inside me that's caused so much pain and suffering and dysphoria all through my teenage years and early 20's with all that it meant with having/getting periods.
Just one child, that's all I ever want. I couldn't imagine doing it twice or more. Once I kinda wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, but what if it turns out to be two boys or two girls? Haha, I don't really care about that, but what I do care about is simply this: it would (likely) be a whole lot harder with more than one kid. And I only need one. That one I could easily favour over every other kid in the whole wide world and there would be no competition. Hope I wouldn't spoil them too much though, haha.
I have thought about one more thing though, that I probably wouldn't take advantage of daycare that much. Since I'm not dependent on a job or anything, I could easily be a stay at home parent and still get money coming in. I would love to be a stay at home parent! Seriously. And I would need to, unless I find a partner that could help me with that. But I also know that it's even harder finding a partner if you have a child, generally speaking.
Not that I'm even looking for a partner, except from K, but yeah. Yeah... that's a whole different chapter that you already know about. So, I'd aim to be a single parent, and then the partner issue, if it becomes an actual issue, can get solved whenever or never cause I forgot how to care about that. Cause it's like, with a child, I wouldn't need any other kind of love.
I do believe that, that that's the only love I need in my sad excuse for a life. And suddenly I'm not so disgusted by my body anymore, though possibly going off testosterone bothers me a bit. All the changes that could revert back and going back to the menstrual cycle with all those mood swings and what not. Having those female hormones rampaging in my body for 9 months then too. I can just barely imagine what a hell it could be like.
I've only heard stories from cis-women and a few transguys (mostly from youtube, haha). So yeah, that would definitely be something to look forward too... So it both scares me and allures me. It's such a mix of thoughts and feelings... like really, I can just barely manage to describe it all. Although I try to, cause I just can't keep it all bottled up inside me.
It's like I'm already trying to prepare myself, you know. For what it could be like. I want to know everything before making my decision definite. Right now I'm just letting myself feel these feelings and think these thoughts. Just letting it all bounce around to eventually settle for whatever conclusion I might reach.
And I don't want to stop writing about it this time, but my words reach an end and eventually I'll have to. The first person I think about telling would be my shrink. I'll see her again the 17th and maybe I'll tell her then or the next time. There's a lot about Anna going on in that office right now. Secondly I'll tell my mother, and then I don't know. Possibly the internet, or the crew.
The crew needs to know because if I do plan to go through with it I don't know what is their view point on me having an extra person living in my LSS apartment suddenly one day. If I'd have to move out or if it can be arranged in some other, less complicated way. Cause I'm gonna need a whole lot of support including LSS if I do decide to have a child.
I mean, I still can't quite take care of myself and I know that it would be wise of me to wait a few more years to see if I could get more independent first, that thought is not lost on me, but I really feel like I don't have that kind of time. I might be lost in my self fulfilling prophecy, or I'm just too damn realistic. I don't know, but I think both the male hormones rampaging through my body and time lessens my chances of being able to get pregnant in the first place, as well as my mind slowly killing me as I constantly lose my will to live.
In other words, I just don't have all eternity. I don't have the time that I might need. I'll have to make it work anyway somehow. And it feels like one of the most important decisions of my entire life, maybe of everyone's life, and I just can't let it go forever. I know, have known for 2 years now, that I want to have a child someday, whether that is within a year or 10 years from now.
I can't see myself alive in 10 years. I really, really can't. But I hope I will be, I hope I'll be alive to take care of that child and help them up to and through their adulthood. I don't want to die from my child. Of course they should outlive me, but not like that. I don't want them growing up, never have known their father, but I realise that with the mess that is my life, it might have to come to that.
I so-so accept it, yet it's tearing me apart. If only I could find something like a guarantee that I won't die before I turn 28, but I can't possibly find such a thing. All I can do is try to find reasons to hold on to life and suffer through what needs to be suffered through. Back again, is it selfish of me to want a child if that's the only thing that could keep me alive? Is that a horrible reason, or in fact a rather amazing one?
To maybe, just maybe, one day tell that child that "you kept me alive". I mean, I'm almost in tears just thinking about that. And the shudders... damn. But maybe it would be placing a terrible burden on that child as well, or if they are more grown up at that time.
It's probably not something you should say to a 7 year old or something. But maybe a 27 year old? If I ever get to live to the age of *counting* 54 or beyond. I counted it as I would be 27 when I get that child, which is about as early as I could become a parent.
I might still be 26 but I find that unlikely somehow. Also, somehow I find it appealing that I could have my child at a younger age than my parents were when they had me. Although it would be at most 3 years younger, it's still something. Growing up, I always thought that my parents were too old and everyone else's parents were a lot younger. Though that wasn't entirely true of course, since 30 isn't that old to get your first child.
It really isn't old, now pushing 30 myself, haha. I hope I'll get to my 30th birthday and celebrate it with my tiny little family. I wonder what season or month my child would be born, all of a sudden. Oh my god, I just want that kind of life so much! Right now, I can't really imagine anything more wonderful and beautiful.
What suddenly changed within me? Two years ago I never intended to have a child, now it's all I can think of. It came so suddenly this time. Hm, my child would likely never know their grand-grand parents, I just came to think of. Somehow that saddens me, cause before, when my grand mother was still sane, she used to love kids. Now she's the only one still (barely) alive and lives at a retirement home somewhere in the Stockholm area. I don't think I would ever visit her there, and definitely not bring a child to such a place.
I just wish I had a relative that likes children. Possibly my uncle, by the way, since he for quite some time had a girlfriend who has kids. I think they're about 5-7 years old. He still has contact with them. So possibly that he would be alright with meeting my possible future child. Other than that, I would likely mostly have my family to myself and my parents would help me as much as they could force themselves to, with desperate sighs and what not.
Haha, it wouldn't be that much time for sitting by the computer blogging, chatting, playing video games or doing anything for that matter when having an infant to take care of 24/7. Yeah... but oh it would be fun. I really think so. Waking up 20 times a night to feed the little bundle of joy, changing diapers and checking for fevers and other ailments, comforting and carrying them everywhere. I'd give lots of love, making up for that I wouldn't be able to breast feed them. Just holding them instead.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I refrain from calling my possible future child "it" as I don't really see children as property but more as actual, although tiny, human beings. So there is a thought behind that.
Also, I couldn't have picked a better time to get better at and like cooking, right? Cause then I could cook for that possible child. And as I said before, I'd make them anything, vegan or not. What's most important is that they get everything they need, and secondly that they would like the food.
Okay, I'm running out of words now and I'll post this massive wall of text that consists of most of my thoughts since that last entry earlier today. My head really is cramming with thoughts and feelings colouring each other in an endless spinning... whatever, and this is the only way I can at least somewhat sort it all.
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