Maybe this summer I'll wear a dress? That thought later came to me as I woke up this morning, as I do not want to believe in gendered clothes. I would still keep my beard and not do anything else differently, but wear a dress. Something black and goth, of course, preferably full length to hide my hairy legs and some nice shoes to go with that.
I never before thought it would scare me but it does. All the hatred I could get for simply wearing a dress. It's not like way before when I wore dresses all the time. It literally went years before I started wearing pants again. So consumed by my role, to keep up appearance so that people wouldn't find out the truth that I'm actually a guy. Hiding behind heavy make-up and fancy skirts, dresses and corsets.
I sometimes miss it, but I'm afraid to admit that. That there's still a transvestite hiding inside me, I try to let that person go. Because I have nowhere to take them, no place to release that pressure and be that part of me. Like, if only there was a gay club or something nearby. I could go all out drag and just be Kazanndra or Lydia for just one night and then stuff that away in a drawer again for the next time.
But I don't know. Just thinking about wearing a dress has got nothing to do with going drag, not really. It's about not being afraid of who I am, a guy who just happens to not give a shit about hetero normativity. And it's got nothing to do with that I'm transsexual either. I've never gotten hate for doing "feminine" things as a transguy. Maybe it's the awesome people that I surround myself with.
Still, it's different here on this island where no one knows about my background. I don't want them getting ideas. That, like, if I was to show up at school wearing a simple, black dress and half fancy shoes they might think that I'm trans the other way around. I've always hated it when people assume that. It's like, no, I'm just wearing a stupid dress, it doesn't mean anything.
It's so wrong though, cause in a way I've almost reverted back to the closet but for the exact opposite reason, if that makes any sense. Cause long before, back in 2005 when I just discovered that what the heck, I'm a guy, I bound my chest and packed in privacy. Now I'm wearing dresses and make-up in privacy.
I'm still a guy, don't get me wrong, just not that macho alpha male that I'm "supposed" to be. And I don't want to be that kind of guy either. I love being androgynous the right way, I just hate this fucked up society and it's "demands" on me as a transguy, or as a guy in general.
Cause even though my openness, most of society doesn't know that I'm trans. And I'd like to keep it that way. My thoughts are running wild right now, and in my mind, I can't stick to the subject. I start rambling about wanting kids again, and about wanting to starve again. So I'll just end it here as I'm drifting off topic and forget what I was thinking about it.
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