I just want to look good and I don't think I've ever been this aware and picky about my looks before. Like really, since I started losing weight almost 2 years ago. I've always kept that picture in my head what I eventually want to end up looking like. But it's been taking so long and I've given up a lot of times on the way. But I practice what I preach even though it takes longer than expected. I am gonna look at least close to that sometime in the future, that much is for sure.
Now I've lost the weight and it's time to start exercising to gain some muscle mass. People who knew me way before should not be able to recognise me when I'm done. That's also kind of a goal. I don't want to look like a curvy girl anymore, now I need to look like a lean guy instead. And I say "need" because it transcends wanting, wishing and hoping. I simply need it in order to not hate my body. I might not be able to love it, but I just want to wake up one day and look in the mirror with a smile on my lips.
Maybe that is much to ask for, I don't know. But I'm aware of that my standards reach the stars in altitude and although I'm not crawling under the ground anymore, I still have a long way left to go. I'll be trying to get my stomach flat through exercise and eating right, instead of slipping back into disordered eating and downright starvation. I got my chance to recover and I'm taking it.
Still gonna be vegan but not skipping essential food groups to get thin, I'm opting for lowering my body fat percentage through exercise and gaining muscle mass instead. A sort of goal would be 10-15% body fat and lean muscles, while I'm now having maybe 20-25% and basically no muscles at all. I may appear thin to others, but I don't know. I think I might be that so called "skinny fat" with relatively high body fat percentage, or so it looks like to me. It's hard to say, cause I still think I look huge.
But yeah, achieving my goals in a healthier way is my goal now. Starting by just trying to eat healthy with more fruit and vegetables; and less chocolate and bread. I seriously eat too much bread, it's insane. I get lazy with cooking (shame on me, not cooking every single day) but when I do cook which happens quite frequently, I pack my meals full of various healthy things and it also turns out tasting rather good. I'm still trying to learn more about veganism and what I might need more or less of.
My dietitian is on leave/holiday but will be back sometime in April so I can pump her of information about food related stuff too. She seems to know at least a bit about veganism, or well, more than I do. I will refuse to let this become a bad year just because it started out badly with my eating disorder, I will try to change things around for the better.
My mother and basically everyone else around me are still on me about gaining weight. Like nope, nope, nope won't ever happen unless it's muscles. But I will try to avoid the scale for a while and go with my measurements instead. I don't fucking need to gain weight, when will people realise that?! I'm 57 kg and 168 cm tall, it puts me at a BMI of frigging 20,2 which is completely within the normal range. I could even lose 5 kg and still be within the normal range. Or well, 4 kg then. 52 kg would be underweight then, of course.
Okay, I just go on talking for all eternity today, but I don't care. Not like many people read this anyway. But I need to finish it off now cause I want to continue drawing, colouring my drawing. I hope this continues to be a good day, although I'm still feeling a bit icky about something I did yesterday. Am I turning evil? I hope not but sometimes I kinda start doubting if I'm really a good person or not. The things I do and say. I have unsorted darkness in me and it's been leaking out to left and right these last few years or so. I can't control it. Oh well, I'll be stopping by soon again.
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