For the rest of our lives

Earlier yesterday, I talked out with my mother about Anna and she asked me if I had talked to my shrink about Anna, to which I said no. That I'm still scared of what the trans team up in Huddinge could possibly do if they found out. Everyone is reading my medical file and nothing is secret between the different departments. Anyway, she said I could ask my shrink if everything has to end up in my file before actually mentioning Anna, and to tell her that I am scared of that.

I think I might actually do that, cause I think I really need to get some control over Anna again. It's starting to get hopeless and keeping her a secret is almost as damaging as I think talking about her could possibly be. I just need my shrink to know that the clutter in my mind is not as simple as it seems to be. With Anna in there as well, I'm not just overthinking, I'm having eternal conversations with an imaginary person 24/7 and of course it's what's causing a lot of the anxiety.

I can't focus on mindfulness, or other strategies because of her, always talking, talking, talking. It's an eternal buzz in my head that I can't possibly shut off no matter what I do. I can lessen it by drinking or cutting, but that's basically it. It's such a complicated situation and I'm curious, so very curious about what she is and what I have. Like what's wrong with me.

I know why she came to me, I also know why she's still around and always will be. How can I know? Well, she's stayed for almost 17 years and that's a frigging long time if you ask me. I don't think she's leaving, ever. I don't think she can.

And I have all the reasons to want to get rid of her for good, but I also love her and that's where it becomes complicated. I'd miss her if she was gone. Maybe I'm just so certain that nothing can take her away from me that I learned to accept it so to the point that I want it, or believe that I want her to stay. After all, she's the reason I'm never entirely alone.

Although, the best would be a stop button of some sort. Just a pill or a trick to make her go away for a while and then she can come back when I need her again. I don't think I could ever be ready to want to let go of her completely, I think it's rather the opposite, that the more time passes, the more I hold on to her.

She's like my twin, just as annoying and stubborn but lovely and cute as a close sibling can be. My siamese twin, we're related by the soul. And I love her beyond death and life. I've never been as close to another human being, never loved anyone the way I love her. But she's a bitch and a pain in the ass, to say the least. She hinders me in so many ways I can't even begin to fathom it.

I live half a life because of her. So many things I cannot do to save her, give her the justice she so well deserves. If I was a prisoner in someone else's mind, I think I would have gone crazy too. I've experienced it, in short moments. How trapped and helpless it makes you feel. When we've shifted and she takes control over our body.

I'm just there and all I have is my words. Futile, hopeless and it's scary as hell. I guess I've been afraid of that becoming permanent. Like what if we shift and it gets stuck that way? What if she gets to be in control 100% of the time and I'm the puppet?

Shit, I can't think of a scarier thought. But thankfully, it drains us both when we shift and we automatically shift back within minutes. And at the same time I want us to shift more often, maybe letting others get to know her too. But it would also be embarrassing on my behalf, she controlling our body is quite a spectacle. Her body language is so different from mine and somehow to me, it resembles a drunk diva with hints of ADHD.

But I want to let her out just a little bit more, although I'm still hopelessly scared of us getting stuck that way. I've been fearing us changing positions since I was a child. She controls me with my fear. It's eating me alive and she knows exactly which buttons to press. Lately, it's been getting worse. Her buttons get harder to press, I tend to forget such things over time.

What would I even want from telling my shrink about Anna? Except from a lousy diagnosis and to get it off my chest? I don't believe there are any tactics I could use against her. I've tried everything over the years, and so far, the only method that really worked, is no longer working anymore. To be mean back at her, curse her when she cursed me. It used to work for so many years and our twisted games have become more complicated but less twisted.

I still don't know for sure if I want to talk about Anna with my shrink or not. I've been quiet about it for 9 years and it feels weird somehow. And I'm so fucking scared, but maybe that fear is irrational? I don't know. I just don't fucking know and it's driving me off the edge, it's driving me mad with confusion.

But I'm only half a person and I lead half a life. It's not right, not the way it was supposed to be. How was I supposed to be? If that thing 17 years ago had never happened, if I had never gotten split in two? Can I ever become whole and complete again? See, I can't get rid of her cause she's a part of me. It would be like removing half my brain or something. And I still need her. I will always need her.



For The Rest Of Our Lives
 
"We're siamese twins
connected by the soul
You tried free your mind
and find your own role

Your words, your wisdom
and I'm always by your side
Your hatred, your disgust
I could never try to hide

For seventeen years
and for the rest of our lives
and we hate each other
like husbands and wives

How many of my tears
have you wiped away
said through all this pain
that you'll always stay

But I love you dearly
and hate you just the same
and I'll never forget the day
when I first heard your name

My guardian angel and saviour
what have you done to me
your words are suffocating
oh, why can't you see?"