I'm still upset from yesterday, still fighting for my will to live, or what to say. Maybe my lack of will to live, I don't know. I'm just breathing, okay? And maybe that will have to do for now. I'm so tired, yet I'm not. Tired in my heart and soul, but feeling kinda alert physically. It's a strange combination.
Like every breath feels heavy, my movements are slow but my mind is racing fast. I feel heavy within, but light on the outside and my eyes are open wide. It could just be the coffee, giving me a false alertness. And the sunlight too. They were right about the weather, it did stop raining and the sun has peaked out from the blue. But they said it wouldn't last.
Damn, I don't want the whole spring to just rain away, I want sunlight. To sit outdoors with a blanket wrapped around me with my drawing or writing. Just for short moments before I get bored and go back inside to my computer again. In times of spring and summer, I really do wish I had a laptop as well (greedy, I know) so that I could sit outside or at a cafe and write or edit something.
I do have laptops, several, but they're all broken and can't function anymore. I've tried, but they're broken beyond repair. That's why I got this computer instead, but I really do miss having a laptop. Just to write and go out on the internet with. Nothing that would eventually destroy it, like world of warcraft did to my previous ones.
I would care for it. I actually have planned on possibly saving up a little money for a really cheap one. Like maybe just a few thousand kronor or something. Money that I don't fucking have, but it would be worth it somehow. Or I could try to talk my parents into letting me have one. The cheapest ever, it doesn't have to be fancy at all.
As long as I can write on it and check tumblr and facebook, basically. Oh, and listen to music via Spotify. And that's it. I would mostly use it as a writing machine. I could bring it with me to Uppsala, to psychiatric wards, to a cafe or wherever outdoors when there's nice weather.
It's not every day, or all days, that I'm thinking about parenthood and wanting a child. But it doesn't mean that I suddenly don't want it, just that other thoughts win the battle inside my head. Just so you know.
Today I seem to be thinking about all sorts of things. The sun is alluring but I don't want to leave my computer, so I'm enjoying it from my living room window instead. It's quite a very large window so a lot of sun shines through it. It's almost like a panorama window. Showing nothing but a street, a shack for bikes and half of a playground in the not so far distance. Along with the rest of this house which is shaped almost like a horse shoe and I live in one of the corners of it.
How dull I feel, yet something is constantly nagging at me. It's about K and the silence between us. It's now been 37 days and I feel empty inside. And every time I feel empty, I hope the emptiness is here to stay, but it never is. Cause it's better to feel empty, than to feel everything at once. I've come to realise that.
Almost exactly one year ago, I had bleach blonde, short hair and enjoyed the spring warmth and my newly operated chest by wearing just a fishnet shirt under my leather coat. It felt so right, and it still does, to have had that kind of surgery. Like everything just finally fell to place. And last summer I enjoyed the sun on my bare chest, wondering if people would stare at or comment on my scars.
I just recently found a youtube video talking about post op dysphoria. Which is exactly what I've been feeling, although it hurts to admit that. Exactly that insecurity about the scars, creating a new form of dysphoria. But I hope, that in due time, either the scars will fade or I'll stop thinking like that. Maybe even both. Cause the scars will fade, eventually. Just that I'm not a very fast healer and I think maybe my smoking slows down the healing process too.
Sometimes I think about meeting people from my past, what they would think of me now, if they would even recognise me. I believe though, that my face hasn't changed much over the years and through my transition. That my jaw has gotten a little wider from the testosterone but that's pretty much it. And I have a beard now. So I'm thinking they would still recognise my face. I don't know, mostly I think about my ex, the one that hurt me badly.
I still think I saw him in Uppsala last summer. It could have been him waiting by the train station, but I was scared to say hello, as I'm not the same person anymore.
But let's leave him for now, I've got better things to think of. And although my heart is still as hopeless as it was when I fell for that ex, I do believe that K is truly a good person. And I don't regret falling for him. Despite everything, I still believe that my fucked up heart finally chose a good person to fall for. Although yet again, an unavailable one.
Okay, another long entry, but I'm not sorry. When I finally have a lot on my mind that isn't babies, was my thought all along. That maybe you'd like some variation to that. I don't know, I mostly write for my own sake after all.
Damn, the sun is already starting to set and I haven't gotten enough sunlight today. Guess I'll just finish this off now and then continue posting more shit later on.
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