Entrapped

The razor blade lies alluring on my desk in a small box for matches, and I'm so close to reaching for it. Alphaville sings "sometimes I wish that you were dead" in Wishful Thinking and time stands still.

I wake, waiting for the storm to come once again. She's silent, but I can feel her presence, hovering over me, inside me and around me. Instead I reach for another cigarette, place it between my lips and light it. The smoke fills my lungs as I hold it in for 5 seconds before breathing it out again. Not much smoke comes out, as most of it stays in my lungs.

It's grey and cloudy outside, and at 11:00 o'clock when I went outside, small rain drops hit my face and hair. I tried to see the solar eclipse but the sun was deeply hidden behind the clouds. Soon, my love and enemy, will come back in full strength. Laughing, cursing, telling me to do something awful that I'll refuse, tell her no and tell her to shut up. Again and again until I'm out of air, out of words.

The hassle of words, always awakening the monster in us both as we yell and call each other names. I hate you so much, and you hate me too, we use to say as if we were lovers being sarcastic. It's exactly 14:00 o'clock on my computer screen and the cigarette is burnt halfway through. She kept me up last night, speaking through the music that I had on extra loud. As if it ever mattered, nothing can shut out the sound of her voice.

Like a searing blade slicing through my every thought. I'm so used to it by now, 17 years entrapped in her mind, and for 17 years she's been entrapped in mine. I poke my cell phone screen to keep it from fading to black. I always hate it when it does that, and I tell it to stop, as I have a thing for always yelling at inanimate objects to do as I want them to. As I always have a thing for yelling at her for the same reasons, I'm doing it out of habit. Just as useless.

I put out my cigarette in a cup filled with cold water and put the butt in an ashtray. I can't go on like this, time is running out and I don't want to die because of her. Her words can kill me and I don't have the strength to resist them. My words run off her like water on a goose but her words soak into me like water to a sponge. Why does it have to be that way? How I curse my cold sensitivity.

I light another cigarette and willingly let it poison me. I'm drowning just to be. I casually overdose on Zyprexa. Just like any other drug, I'm not meant to be. And she was my guardian angel one day 17 years ago, how did she become my enemy? Just wouldn't leave me alone, kept traumatising me with her words for years and years and never once stopped.

But who would I be without her? Incomplete, just half a person. Am I only half a person out in public, when no one knows about her? When all they see and hear is John but John is incomplete without Anna. I'm two and I am half.

Thinking about coffee but can't make myself make any. From Alphaville to Linkin Park and the music fills up my whole head. Almost. It's too loud and and too low at the same time. How can I even exist like this?