The downsides

I have thought about what consequences it could mean if I do get pregnant. Like the social consequences. That I would likely be misgendered a lot again and people would definitely start questioning my "choice" of transitioning in the first place. They would not understand.

Cause in this society, having children is still considered a very female thing to do. And I think, that people would question my gender identity because of that. Like just walking down the street with a huge pregnant belly and with all my previous curves back in place (except from the boobs, obviously, though I've heard some of that tissue can grow back during a pregnancy).

Anyways, I'd deal with that if it comes to that. I would be off hormones for quite some time and a lot of things, things I didn't even think of before, can or will revert back. With me already fighting against my androgyny I would most likely be read as female again if all that happens.

So yeah... it has some downsides that I would have to deal with one way or another. What to say to people, if I should let them believe I'm female just to easier get understanding for my situation, or explain everything the way it actually is to get the respect that I deserve, for examples.

It's a lot... it's so much to think about regarding the whole deal and my head is soon gonna explode, I think. Though I think the hardest part right now is trying to figure where to possibly start. How do I even get knocked up in the first place?

I can probably forget about finding a partner equipped for the job and who also wants to start a family just like that. I can probably also forget about donors. I'd try that though, cause it seems like the most reasonable method to go for.

It would be one hell of a circus, if I decide to go for that. Just getting everything in order and all the damn preparations and what not. But it would be so worth it... Me and my bloody obsessions, what's next? I know you're all thinking it, I'm not stupid.

I wish I could soothe you with something, if you're worried that I'll just jump right into it and it becomes a damn mess too late to get out of. But I can't really think of anything to say, other than that I would try to plan it as much as I possibly can and always listen to my gut, back out if I feel I can't do it, and also surround myself with all the help I can possible get as long as I can afford it somehow. And by somehow I mean my parents.

My family is complicated, especially when it comes to little kids. No one likes them, not even me. Well, I don't like most kids, or kids in general, but some I do like and that's what differs me from the rest of my family. I can think a baby is cute and I'm not always bothered by them screaming/crying.

I can easily smile when I just see a random kid at the grocery store or wherever and my mind starts to wander, I start thinking what if I was their parent and such. While the rest of my family seems to hate them at all costs, I'm not like that.

Also, I'm the least able in my family, I'm the one who needs almost constant care of some form although I'm more mature than my sister, I'm far more disabled than she is. My mother is far more abled than my sister and my father is the most abled/independent of us all. It goes like that, basically.

So I, who likes kids the most but am the least capable of caring for one, should get one? It is complicated, and I can't really wrap my head around it myself even. But I do wish that my family liked kids too, it would definitely simplify things a lot. And I probably wouldn't have had to think my brain to wrinkles if that was the case. But it's not and I have to be the smart one now.

Like, see if I could get help from elsewhere besides my otherwise so supporting family. Like LSS or some other kind of help. I don't know really what kind of help I could possibly get if I do get a child with all my diagnoses.

I thought I'm gonna google LSS and see if I can find any useful information about that. Okay, I can't really find any real information, just random people's opinions on online forums. Someone said something about the LSS staff not being able to help caring for children as well as the adults living in the residents, which I can somewhat understand.

Though it has to be solved somehow. I mean, I'm still in need of that kind of support and I'm also allowed to have children. Juridic complications, I can see them really becoming a problem... sigh.

It would be so fucking complicated I can't even fathom it. If only I had been a cisgendered person without diagnoses, but I'm not and there's nothing I can do about those things. I'd just have to deal, somehow. And if or when I do decide to go for it, I'm gonna have to talk to the crew and figure out a solution of some kind. Like maybe I'd have to go to a specific family home or something. Cause I stumbled across that too while I was searching, but only about disabled children and special LSS care for them.

Although likely my child would get asperger too, I don't think that would be the worst thing to deal with. It's all the practical stuff that children, any child, has needs for. Though, I think I would be able to do most of the childcare stuff on my own. Like feeding, clothing, bathing, teaching, generally just caring for them. It's possible illnesses, administrative and juridical stuff that I would need help with.

All this gives me a headache. And I haven't even remotely thought of everything yet, I feel there are more mountains of doom to think through before I can possibly reach my decision whether or not to have a child. As my thoughts move in bigger and more complicated circles I get back to the same issues but deeper into them each time. Soon, I might have reached my decision.

It feels worth it all, but that doesn't mean that I know it would be. I just want to avoid suddenly drowning in an ocean of phone calls and paperwork once the baby has been born. In hassles and arguments nation wide because I'm not like other people and I know that there's a fucking majority not wanting me to reproduce. And I'd have to deal with that somehow and do as much as I possibly could on my own. It would be far from easy cause these diagnoses on paper actually have major impacts on my entire life.

So, sure I want a little bundle of joy, but I'd be facing so much chaos you can't possibly imagine it. Juridic, administrative, personal, social, within my own home and outside in society. I. Can't. Grasp. It.