Becoming darkness

If only I had you, this wouldn't be so hard. Living, just living without you is so fucking hard. I don't know how to form simple friendships without them falling for me and without me lying and deceiving. My darkness and chaos tie tightly together and I can't help but blaming this on my demonic nature.

Is my fate just a gnostic chaos, am I turning into a monster? Untrustworthy, liar, deceiver, manipulator, evil, darkness, darkness, darkness... It's taking over me and I feel helpless beneath it. It all started so very long ago, I was 9 or 10 and did the most awful thing I've ever done in my entire life, I still haven't been able to tell a soul. Who it was or what it was. Then, I mostly kept to theft at school and that was it, when I was still a child. Then years passed and I wasn't really doing anything bad.

Then I think I was 20-22 or something fucking late like that when I did the second most awful thing in my entire life and I was really scared by my darkness by then. Of what was becoming of me. My own mind is the scariest fucking place I've ever seen. I regret it, I do, and for long I wanted to believe that that regret made me not evil, that it almost even made me believe I was truly a good person at heart, despite of what I've done.

And then, my love, I started lying to protect my own skin as my memories started coming back to me. I don't know if you can ever forgive me, I know I can't. My lies turned to trickery and deceit, even took it as far as to manipulation. And sometime around there I started realising my demon identity, or what to call it, that I'm otherkin, and then started to be able to name the darkness within me.

But not all demons are evil, and I've been desperately stressing that, desperately wanting to believe I was one of the good demons. But I'm doubting. I'm seriously doubting and I'm becoming all the more scared of the monster I'm becoming. I just broke another heart because of such an incredibly stupid and thoughtless thing I can't even... fathom it. What the hell am I doing? For the second time?

The thing is, my love, that I'm so so scared of one day breaking your heart. If you ever let me in that close, I would do absolutely everything I can and more to make sure that never happens, but what if, baby what if...? I cannot breathe just the thought of it. I seriously forget to breathe and I might choke myself on cigarette smoke and pure pain cause I can't handle having that thought in my head.

Yes, I am saying that I fear of becoming evil. I'm falling down a very dark and twisted road and I can't help myself off it. I have no one to tell these things, no one I trust enough to be able to say exactly what I've done and where I think I'm heading without this incredibly strong fear that I might lose them for saying that.

I'm losing touch with humanity, and right now K, you're the only one keeping me in touch with it. You're the only one not a victim of my lies and deceit, the only one I've never purposely hurt or drawn myself away from. But I'm losing touch with you too and not because of that, oh god I hope not that, but for other reasons. And I believe my loneliness and extreme longing for you (I have only myself to blame for that) is the cause of my erratic behaviour lately.

As I try to keep a distance between myself and the whole world, I still cling onto it so desperately, like wanting to just let go but I can't. What I'm trying to say in more specific words is that I'm constantly forming new relationships and connecting to people, but do it all wrong and weird and only end up hurting people to left and right like never before.

I'm not helping damaged people anymore, I'm the fucking damage that I'm causing them. I don't know who I am anymore someone please help me. I don't want to be like this. The comfort and care that I need and crave, I'm not worthy of it anymore. It hurts to say that sometimes, damaged people do turn to become the damage themselves. I used to think, not that very long ago, maybe five years or so, that nope it doesn't have to be that way. But what if it has...?

You're too good for me and I don't deserve you. I can only hope that I will never hurt you on a significant level. Yes, I'm still selfish, no matter how much I fear hurting you, I simply cannot stay away from you. I don't think you even want me to, not yet at least.

This last event just tore up a hole inside of me and I don't think it can ever heal or be filled. It's a tear in reality now, an empty void. Someone please save my soul.