Chasing fears

I'm turning 27 in a little more than a year and I fear it like nothing else. I know that I won't turn 28 and 27 will be my last birthday. I will probably celebrate it with tears. That's how much I believe in that stupid prophecy, that's how strong my stupid beliefs are. They might not be true, but I believe them blindly. Although I want to doubt, cause I want to turn 28 and 29 and so on. But I'm just so damn certain that I won't.

And as that particular birthday gets closer, I just want to make things right again. Moving back to the city I can call my home would be a good thing. Meet up with my friends again and that time I'll stay. Have a big party or something. Just be alive for as long as I possibly can. Shit, it feels like I'm really dying, like I'm dying from a terminal disease or something. Just counting the days, and there are less than 753 days left.

My pathetic life is running away from me like sand between my fingers. I try to catch it but I can't. I can't believe that my 27th birthday is coming in so close now, it felt so far into the future just a heartbeat ago. But oh, my perfect age really does deceive me. And my mortal fear will be my cause of death. It's all so ironical I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

So I just need to hurry the fuck up with living my life. Desperately try to finish my book and hopefully I can get it published within this year or at least the beginning of the next. Move back to Uppsala again and regret ever moving to Gotland and spending 3 or 4 shitty and useless years on this island. Hopefully get some cash for my book so that I can get another tattoo or several. Get more piercings. Get thin, get fit.

I have so much to do how the hell am I possibly gonna pack that into less than two years?! Should I get a child when I'm at it too? I've wanted that for some time now, but always thought I'd be unfit for a parent, but oh boy I'd be very unfit if I'm dead. Can't just bring a child to the world without rhyme or reason to then leave it parentless.

Like it would have one dead biological father and another completely unknown father somewhere in the country that I just happened to hook up with for that reason alone. Trying to make myself stop thinking about children but I haven't really been able to for the last two or so years. Hesitating to do SRS solely because of that reason, but I'd be unfit, unfit, unfit.

I'm a mess and can't even take care of myself, I have fucked up morals that I'd be passing on and then we shouldn't even begin to talk about the genes I'd pass on. It would be cruel, and that poor child would probably have a worse upbringing than the one I had. That's not right and I know my reasons for wanting a baby are purely selfish and I hated my parents for their selfish reasons to have me, their first child.

But I can't get it out of my fucked up head, I just want a frigging baby. Unconditional love the only way that it can be right. To maybe finally be able to heal my broken heart. No never be lonely, to always love that child no matter what becomes of them. To just hold that new born child, knowing that I'd do anything I possibly can and more to give them a decent life; I still don't think I could ever give them more than just that though, a decent life.

I don't even know how it could possibly work out practically, if I do decide to go for it, and if I even can have children. Like how about LSS, would they possibly help me me with the practical and can I even live in LSS with a baby? What about my financial situation? I'm living on allowance, could it possibly be increased/raised if I'm suddenly paying everything for two? And my parents would hate me for giving them even more responsibilities.

Alas, it is a thought I have not been able to let go of, and as you can probably tell, I've thought about it quite a lot. And why should I deprive myself of my right to have children, only because I'm not as capable as most people are? It is my right, my choice and no one can take it away from me. If I decide to go for it, maybe in a year or so, and hopefully being slightly more independent and living in Uppsala, away from my parents.

Simply, I don't want them interfering with it. I don't want them to possibly, basically taking my child away from me and raise them themselves because I'm certain they don't think I'd be fit for a parent either. I am almost certain that they would try to take them away from me. And I wouldn't be able to handle that. Would anyone?

I have classmate whom I am almost considering a friend by now. She has 3 children whom was taken away from her and placed in foster care. I don't want that happening to me but I see the possibility of that happening. Because of how bad I am at taking care of myself, my complete lack of knowledge about children and child care, money problems, anything really. Society simply doesn't want people like me reproducing.

I stray from the topic all the time and this becomes quite a wall of text, but I don't care, I just need to ventilate all this. It all comes down to my fear of dying before 28 and if I want a frigging child before I die, I should hurry up with that cause those take 9 months to make. And the thing is, even if I don't die, I don't think having a child would be something that I'd regret. It would definitely make my life harder, but I believe, in spite of everything, that it would give me a pretty damn good reason to live.

I haven't yet decided, I should plan more first. Not just get there without all that knowledge that I currently lack. But other things keep getting in the way, like mental problems, school and what not. And those things will keep getting in the way, at least my mental problems.

I just really have to ask myself if I truly think I could care for a child the way things are like right now and always been like. That's what it all comes down to, cause I won't get cured or drastically better, and a child can't change who I am as a person.

Of all the things I want to do before I die, this, about becoming a parent, surely stings the hardest. It's one of the hardest decisions I've ever tried to make and it won't get any easier as time passes and I get older. If I get older, that is. There are so many things to think about and consider and reconsider. I'm not a perfect, straight, cis-male with a healthy mind and background. It's so much more complicated. I know what I want, I just don't know if I can have it.