And my sadness remains

That my wish to have kids is already starting to fade. Not like I don't want it, more like I can't focus back on it. I can only focus on all this pain inside me. On K and his silence. And I miss him more than ever. I just want to cry into a pillow or something, but I still can't cry. I don't know what I want to do. It just fell over me so suddenly.

I started writing an autobiographical short story about my feelings for K. I think though, that if he reads it he will know that it's him. Is that a good way of sort of telling him? I don't know if I ever should tell him.

Maybe it will come off as an obsession more than love? I'm afraid so, but what can I do? I don't know if I even want to post it anywhere at all now. If I even finish it. It's about just one event, when I told him that I liked him, and I don't write any kind of information about him at all.

Not giving any description of what he looks like except from casually describing his mouth and eyes at one point. No description of his personality either really. I want it to be about me and my own stupid feelings. I just want people to understand.

But how could they, ever? It doesn't matter what I write, my words are useless and do people even want to know? About what is most important in my entire life, my reason to live and die? Yeah, why would anyone care.

I feel so lonely today, and scared. That he's never gonna want to talk to me again. That we'll never have those long conversations from mid day to early morning about anything from alcohol to school, from mental illness to music and all the other stuff we used to talk about.

I ache for him, bleed internally for him. And I feel so damn lost it scares the living shit out of me. Cause I can't focus on wanting a child when I feel like I can't live without K.

Like I'm just counting the days, 34 days, and withering in his absence. I can't think of anything else, so I write about it. Oh hell, what do I care if he figures it out or not. It's not like I have anything to lose.

http://jigsawjohns-novels.blogspot.se/2015/03/remains.html