I've been thinking about names. Like, I know I want to name a daughter either Alice or Lydia, but a son? On my way back home from my shrink's office, I thought about the name Caspian for a boy, and/or Isak with whatever spelling. In a way, maybe it's wrong of me... but I kind hope it would be a boy.
Mostly because I never had a brother or any special contact with any male relatives. I've mostly surrounded myself with girls and women in my life, and I don't know, but I think it would be neat with a male relative I can completely adore. I wouldn't mind a baby girl though. I believe I would love my child endlessly no matter what sex they're born as.
And they could turn out intersex or transgender. I would though, not treat my child any different depending on their sex. I would simply treat them like a human being, a very precious human being. Buy them the clothes and toys that they want and like. I would definitely not impose any gender role on them. Maybe that's a given, considering who and what I am, but I think it's important to mention anyway.
I also thought about what I would do if they turn out intersex, if I'd be somehow forced to pick a sex for the birth certificate or whatever. I would never want to force a gender on my child in that or any other case. I thought about it circles for many minutes.
And then I thought about school, that I wouldn't be able to possibly hide my pregnancy there, it would probably have to be so that I'll come out as trans there then. Because not only is a pregnancy hard to hide (I can only imagine), I'd also have to explain why I'd suddenly leave when it's time to give birth and be on leave for some time after. I don't know how that would work either.
So much that I don't know, and my head hurts from all the thoughts, but they make my smile, a genuine and warm smile that I'd love to hold on to. It's like... lately, just thinking about creating my own little family is what's holding me above the surface. I still haven't told anyone, I want to get this deal about Anna out and over first. And I want to keep those thoughts and feelings to myself a little longer, let them grow or decrease, whatever happens.
Cause who knows, maybe I'll change my mind again? I don't think so right now, but it's been coming and going these past 2 years, my thought on parenthood. But it's never been this strong and intense before.
I've thought about it, that maybe I want to teach my child English as well as Swedish as they grow up, for them to possibly become bilingual from early on. I know my spoken English is far from flawless, it's decent and alright at best. Also, I would not impose my or anyone else's religious views on my child, and try to teach them good morals instead of my sucky ones.
I'd try to do everything right from start, the way I would have wanted to be raised, with much more freedom and actually be there for my child whenever they need/want me to. As much as I could, be a good parent, friend and teacher. Never judge them, always accept them and try my best to understand everything they'll go through.
It's hard though, I have to admit, thinking about them growing up to become an adult eventually. Cause I'm so scared of having them taken away from me at an early age, I try to focus on the first few years when they're still a toddler.
Maybe my fears are a bit illogical or irrational, maybe someone has to be a lot more of a mess for something like that to happen. I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever harm my child unintentionally or intentionally. If I'd lose my temper or whatever. I have no idea how good or bad I am with children since I've very rarely interacted with any child of any age.
I have held a toddler once before, his name was Hugo and at the time he was about 1 year old. He would be about 12-13 by now. I was 14 years old then and a little bit freaked, but it was nice somehow. He was cool about it, and probably just as surprised as I was. His mother got a phone call or something and was like "here, hold this for me" just out of the blue. I didn't expect the child to be so heavy at that young age, but maybe my young and girly arms lacked a bit of strength too.
I still find myself thinking about those 2 or so minutes of my life, when I for the first time held a child, and the only time so far. I really don't have much experience with children at all, I hardly even know what to say around them. It's mostly just awkward. I talk normally to children though, I don't change my voice or anything. I only found that weird and creepy when adults did that with me when I was a child.
So, the only real experiences I have is about my own childhood, the view from the eyes of a child. And holding that baby boy Hugo for 2 minutes. Oh yeah, now I remember! In the car on my way back from my shrink, I also thought about that I wouldn't be able to breast feed my child, since I have no boobs anymore and hardly any breast tissue at all. I'd have to use milk replacement stuff or what it's called.
See, I really think about a whole lot of stuff, anything that comes to mind. But mostly I just fantasise about what it all could be like. Oh, and I wouldn't force them to become vegan or vegetarian either. I'd most likely feed them whatever and then let them decide on their own. In general, I would let my child decide as much as possible on their own. The only things I'd "force" them to would be like dentists, doctor's appointments, school, possibly pre-school and stuff like that.
In other words, I'd give them as much freedom as I possibly can without it being dangerous in some way. This is so fun, thinking about it like this. All those little things I've always had in mind but never really thought about. Oh, I keep forgetting things all the time! I also thought about what I would do about my butt load of medication while being pregnant. Some of them could be harmful for the baby.
Did I mention these thoughts are seemingly never ending? I hope they continue keeping me alive and at least somewhat sane, or crazy about getting a kid. That kind of crazy is good, in my opinion. But oh damn, what am I gonna do about my parents' complete lack of support? They've always said that if me or my sister ever get kids we'd have to take care of them ourselves. I'll never be able to do this entirely on my own.
I'll have to solve that problem somehow. Maybe slowly try to tell my mother about how I want a kid and carefully make sure she can't talk me out of it, once I've made up my mind for sure. Be a bit tactful but firm at the same time. I don't know what else to do. Cause sure I can find every little bit of information possible online or wherever, but I mean I can't even get to the hospital on my own.
I just want to act mature in this and not just one day state that "oops, I'm pregnant, take care of me" cause that would be stupid and irresponsible. Nope, I wanna go about it with tact and careful planning. As much as I possibly can. And I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
I'll still wait though, try not to start spinning it already. Let the thoughts and feelings continue for I don't know, a few months at least. Talk about it with my shrink and I could also get a test done to see if I'm fertile, but won't go much further than that until in at least 6 months. If I can possibly hold myself for that long... As I said, need to be a bit mature and tactful. I don't want this fucking up and becoming a disaster somehow.
I think the worst that could happen is me getting knocked up and then realising I wasn't at all ready or prepared for parenthood. Aaand one more thing I just thought of, is that it's very likely my child will get asperger syndrome too, as it runs in my entire family, at least back to my grand parents. But having it myself, I don't think that would be an impossible struggle or anything.
Right now, my biggest fear is what if I can't get pregnant at all. Wow, I've never before even had that fear. I even before wished that I couldn't. Mind blowing. Okay, I'm just gonna write forever if I don't stop myself now.
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