He uploaded a music video on facebook a while ago, and I listen to it on repeat as I pretend I'm not completely alone. That he's here, somehow, I don't know how. If he could just appear before me like a hallucination. Maybe I need him as a hallucination, cause that would be better than this nothing. Why can't my mind create him? Because nothing I can ever imagine would be good enough, and my subconscious knows that.
All I wanted was to show him my love. Why am I talking about him in past tense...? I feel like I've lost him and I'm crumbling. But still he reblogs my posts on tumblr and that's literally everything. The only connection that I still have with him.
I can't understand why he stopped talking to me. Can't figure out if it's something I have done. And the day softly passes by, the sun is slowly going down and I can't breathe. Because it hurts so much to just exist right now.
And as I realise, that the pain I feel today is not so different from how I felt one and a half year ago. I read through old poems from September 2013 when my love for him was new. Already hurting, but somehow this is different. I didn't know him back then, I was in love, but I wasn't sure who I was in love with. Him, or just an ideal.
I know better now, I know because I know both his light and darkness, and a few of the greys in between and I love it all. Blindly I love him, completely blindly. And it's destroying me. I'm sure I won't survive another heartbreak, not after everything. It seemed so promising and my hopes were sky high, now everything just hurts.
And I find myself sitting and just staring into nothingness for longer moments. I have no words left in me, just this incredible pain. This sadness or whatever it is, is drowning me.
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