Can't let go

For every new story that I write, I try to do it better. I don't know if you can tell, but I'm constantly trying to become a better writer. And although I really love my book Grimston Estate, I see errors with it. Sometimes I just want to re-write the whole shit and start from the beginning again.

Like write it in a completely different way with far less conversation and the characters not doing the same things all the time. But it was very limiting, figuring out things for them to do in a town that almost completely lacked electricity. Like no tv, no computer, no cell phones (although that was because of another reason) and so on.

They basically ate, smoked and drank all the time. I think Lydia ate 3 times and smoked... I have no idea, maybe 20 times and drank maybe 10 ten times as she turned to drinking when life started to get sour for her. Well, more sour than it already was at that point.

Harry, who was an alcoholic drank quite a lot too, obviously. He was one of the few characters who did not smoke at any point in the book, while Lydia, Kian and Candice where at it quite a lot. I was thinking, that broken people have a tendency to smoke more than the average. And they were all broken in Grimston Estate, I mention that in the first paragraph, on the first page.

I did that mostly to prepare my readers at least somewhat, for all the atrocities that happened later on. Though, I think I did put those awful things into the book rather carefully, so that you wouldn't be completely shocked into them. I have no idea really what my friends will think of the whole lot of it once they reach the end.

Maybe I should write thanks to all of my friends who are/will be helping me in the book later on? Would that be neat? Cause I think you'll deserve at least some form of credit for helping me. I see it as that, that you're doing a pretty damn wonderful thing for me, that you're willing to take time to at least just leaf through it. I will be forever grateful.

It's just that I can't even remember what my original storyline for Grimston was, back in 2012 at that café in Uppsala. I knew I was gonna have Kian, Marie and Lydia already back then, but I think I added Harry later on because Kian really needed a best friend. He's my most important supportive character and the support he gives both Kian and Lydia... it's like... damn.

I realise I don't talk that much about Marie, the 8 year old girl, but that's probably because everything about her is so very complicated and I don't want to spill too much information about her. Not even about who her parents are. It all ties together and she's the key to the whole plot. But, she's Kian's friend all through the story but won't interact that much more with the other characters. Well, in a way she does, but that would be telling too much.

I can assure you though, there's no pedophilia involved, not to her or any other character. That kind of awfulness I really didn't want to get into. At all. Mostly because, I don't know, it just makes me feel uneasy to even think about that kind of thing. It's just, ugh. Though something has happened to her, something has happened to all of my characters. They each have their stories and depths. But I can't say what it is.

Ugh, it's like it's killing me to keep so much information to myself. That's almost the hardest part of it all. To not just spill the entire plot and ruin it for everyone. I keep that in my private diary, because I just have to spill it out somewhere. Where no one else can find it unless they go rampaging my computer.

I think though, that I made Harry one of the more developing characters. The way he goes from being a little ignorant to a rock to everyone, basically. And he's more understanding than he lets on in the beginning. Lydia goes through the most and she's my strongest character. Hopefully that will be noticed and not just mentioned.

I don't know, I really love Kian too, but he's not as developed and sometimes I can't help but dislike him too. I don't want my readers hating him, but a part of me is scared that it's possible that they will at the end. He's a very deep and complex character with many different sides to him, but he doesn't change much. He's the mentally ill, the artist and also in a way, a monster. Wrapped up in himself, yet also very caring and kind. I don't know if my readers will even get him, if maybe he's too scattered and weird.

Yeah, I'm worried, but also, I'm damn proud of my work as a writer. It's been quite a project and possibly the biggest artwork I've ever done, if you can even call it that. The many angles I've thought about it in, a few lines here and there that I'm just so damn proud of myself for coming up with. That send chills down my spine, make me shudder, cry or laugh. Little glimpses of gold, almost.

I don't think I can write more without saying too much. Although I want to, I can't let it go.