Staying strong

I feel so damn broken though, and Zyprexa isn't working against sadness. Good to know. For the future, I mean. Cause then I won't waste pills for feelings they can't get at. I'm calm, but incredibly sad and can't think clearly. I worry about that K might have left me and no matter how much I should be thinking about it, I can't fully grasp it and I can't think about how the hell I should go on living if he has.

It's always the same thoughts, and they're always different. Plotting against me, forming walls that I can't go through. And I can't understand them. They're very vague, fragile like soap bubbles that break when I touch them. Already forgotten, already lost.

I lost. It feels like I lost my battle and I can only breathe in cigarette smoke. It's like... I was ready to give him my whole world, the last bits that were good about me, but I don't think he wants it, I don't think he ever did. I could still be wrong, but my heart doesn't believe it anymore.

And it's breaking for the last time, or it will when I let it. I can't let it break yet. I'm unfinished. I will die unfinished eventually, I think most of us do. But that's what it all comes down to, to him. And how I can't lose him. I can't lose myself for love ever again. I just can't handle it. What I feel for K is beyond what planet Earth can grasp and I love him so proudly, yet so few know.

If I ever get a headstone when I die, I might want something on it devoted to him. I don't know, just a sudden thought. If I had any money or valuable possessions I could give it all to him, but I don't. I have nothing valuable except from this apartment and this crappy computer. It wouldn't be valuable to him.

I just want that one last act, or something, completely devoted to him, so that he'll always know. That he was the one for me, that I loved him so completely and unconditionally. I'm only writing this in past tense for the future, for when I die, I still don't plan to. I don't want another overdose, a rope around my neck, to jump or anything else that I've thought about recently or not.

I've been planning my damn death since I was 12 years old, it's nothing new, just that it gets new angles and more precise the older I get. I've got my organ donation card and I'm registered on the website. I might or might not re-enter the Swedish Church if I want a Christian funeral. I do believe in God anyway, I always have, just so damn certain that he hates me for what I am and for what I've done.

I don't want to re-think about my death, but the thoughts suffocate me and I can't let them go this time. Usually I can, and maybe that's the only thing that changes. As the days pass and still no word from K, I forget to like and reblog his posts on tumblr and facebook, I forget to show that I still care so much it rips me apart inside every minute. I don't know how to show my stupid feelings without coming off as clingy and annoying.

I want to be able to leave him alone, to not bother him when he obviously doesn't want me to. Does he even? I cannot know for sure. And that scares me, cause what if he wants to reach out but for some reason can't? What if I'm one of very few people who still are out there, patiently waiting for him to come back? And what if I'd then leave him alone, and he'd be all alone, thinking that he lost me?

I can't wrap my head around it. It's too much. All these thoughts and questions buzzing in my head, like wildfire. My heart is beating for him and he's for sure my last remaining contact with reality, with sanity and any form of love. Except my mother, but it's not the same. I'd be so lost without him it scares me so much.

Cause I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Guess you already knew that, but damn, almost 2 years and he still takes my breath away. And he doesn't need to do anything or be in a certain way for it, he only has to be himself and I fall over and over and over again. How much can one person possibly fall for another? Does it ever end? Do I even want it to end?

But it has to. Nothing has ever stayed with me, nothing at all. I don't deserve love, and I know it to the core. And I'm just broken pieces scattered by the wind. I'm nothing but dust, nothing but a shadow lingering endlessly between life and death. I have no right to demand anything from him and I don't, I just dream of the closest thing to a paradise this shit hole could ever, possibly offer someone like me. I'm pining for love and I know that will eventually kill me.

I'm scared and my heart beats fast, but I'm frighteningly calm. As if I almost accept it already. That I won't ever get love like that. Maybe no one does. Maybe it belongs to the world of fiction and I need to get down to earth. But I can't be with anyone else, can't let another human being touch me. Literally. I've stopped hugging people since last time I hugged him.

Already then I felt it, that it was the last time I'll ever see him in person. I hope it's not true. There was something wrong with our last goodbye that day in August. He wouldn't look at me when he said goodbye, his eyes wandered somewhere into the distance or deep within himself. It scared me, it felt like I had done something wrong, but I hadn't, I couldn't have.

I cannot cherish that moment, I just cannot. It left ice in my veins, a hollow feeling that has continued to hollow me out ever since. I wonder what was on his mind in that moment, what haunted or taunted him. If it was me or something completely different. I want to understand it cause then I could accept it, whatever it was.

But if that was our last goodbye, I don't know what I would do. I'd cry and scream and bleed, I wouldn't accept it. I wouldn't accept him leaving me, but I would understand it. I was never his to begin with, he was never mine. Although I don't believe in ownership when it comes to love, I would definitely let him own me if that was what he wanted. Was. Am I already giving up?
My breathing is shallow, heavy at the same time and filled with endless amounts of nicotine. I can't stop smoking today. I never chain smoke unless it's bad and once again I got through a whole pack of cigarettes in less than 5 hours. That's 4 cigarettes per hour, which doesn't leave many minutes between them, as they take 8-10 minutes for me to smoke.

I feel emptied, hollowed out. My mind is dulled from these thoughts and feelings raping my mind. I miss him so, so, so much and I'm literally going crazy from it. This isn't me, I cannot breathe right. I catch myself holding my breath even when I'm not holding in cigarette smoke.

Forget to breathe out until I'm close to choking. I could pass out. Somehow I hope that I would cause then maybe finally something would show on my permanent stone face that fucking everything is wrong.


These thoughts

"I stray, searching for a reason
as I crumble, stumble but won't fall
hesitate in the middle of a breath
as I realise that I want nothing at all

Collecting ashes into a pile
I couldn't stop the thoughts this time
I lay my arms around my chest, hold tightly
a vague reminder of a forgotten crime

As your voice lingers in my head
you gave me reasons not worth to stay
I shudder at the thoughts
not wanting them to go away

Ice crispy in my soul, it's cold in there
but warm around me I find no way out
but warn me I'll tell you everything
once I know what it's about

Reaching further I try to scream
but it sunders inside me and I drop
my hopes on the pavement
and I don't know how to stop

These thought lacerating my mind
now only lingers but I know
that they create emotions within me
that I don't know how to show"