Falling apart

I bought booze, I just don't care anymore. I'm just bored without tumblr and facebook, I want nothing to do with those sites, nothing to do with the people there. Only K but I haven't heard as much as one word from him in almost a month. I still have skype open, but what does it matter? My own presence disturb me.

I can't focus on my book, or anything else but the music I hear and the vodka drink I'm having. Cause fuck everything, that's why. My contact person is not gonna be happy over that I drink again but whatever. If I even tell her about it. I don't like her, she's annoying and she doesn't know me very well.

It's not that I'm holding back, as much, but more that she's just interested in what damage I do to myself and basically nothing else. I'm so tired of the psychiatry, I want to break free. To not have people constantly worried about me and trying to change my behaviour. My life sucks and I just don't care anymore.

Don't even care about getting thin anymore. All I want to do is suppress my thoughts and drown my feelings. Or the other way around. If I'm still drinking in whatever month from now, I might check out the AA or something. My life is falling apart and I know that drinking won't change anything for the better. But I just gave up, and I don't think anything can make me change my mind.

I think I'm breaking apart also because K more or less abandoned me. I can't function without him. I know, I'm without him whether he talks to me or not, but this is horrible. The complete silence. No melodies from skype about new messages, no melodies from my phone either, although we rarely chat that way. Nothing on tumblr, and nothing on facebook.

It feels like I'm dying without him. Like my life force is just slowly slipping away, the flickering flame in my heart slowly dying. My spark goes out and leaves me lingering like a shadow between being alive and being dead. I'm in the twilight zone, slowly moving towards giving up entirely.

Yet I'm not there, but it's like I can just feel the end getting closer. I don't invite it, but I don't try to shut it away either. Maybe you could say that I'm just leaving the door open for whatever wants to come in. Life, death, hopelessness, love. Anything.

I need to have something on my mind in order to stay alive, and these past few days of not doing anything self destructive have not been good. I ached for it, longed even. Just needed it so very desperately and as I've been opting for either cutting or drinking the whole day, I chose the booze because it doesn't leave scars, because it's easier to hide, but I haven't decided if I should hide it or not.

It feels like I'm locked in somehow, meant to suffer what I cannot possibly suffer through. One dream, one reason, and it's slipping away. K, where are you? I miss you terribly. No, it has passed that state, I more than miss you, I ache for you. The pain in my chest grows prominent and permanent.