Just need to vent

All of tumblr is having a great day of "trans day of visibility" while I'm here close to crying my heart out. A part of me wants to participate, but I don't want to come out on tumblr. What would that possibly give me that I don't already have? I don't need to make myself visible, not anymore.

I listen to my sad songs and write cryptic poems today. Because suddenly I find myself having nothing to live for, again, and my hopes are slipping away. Matter less, not worth holding on to. I'm in a trance like state, lost within myself and the reasons I desperately try to hold on to.

I shift between feeling everything at once and feeling completely empty, and it's so exhausting. The days start out good and then turn into messes. I don't know what changes. Maybe it's my words, or something else. I don't know.

I turn up the music louder, let my second favourite song of all times ring softly in my ears. "Demons" by Alaska in Winter. I've been listening to it so much since I found it in October last year.

I'm thinking about dying and my funeral, what I should write in my 10th or so suicide letter. I still don't want to die, but something is pulling me closer. Or farther away, I don't know which exactly. Just telling myself stay, stay, stay for the night at least. I will. I know I will.

It's 37 days today, and I'm still counting. Kian is 37 years old in my book, and I have a glass marked with the same number. It follows me.

I'm dying. I don't know when, but I probably won't be able to hold on that much longer. I just wanted... I wanted so much, but it feels like my prophecy is completely out of my hands and I don't even know what my real cause of death will be. What will lead me to it, but right now, a broken heart seems more than likely.

I don't want my fate, I want to give it to someone else. Flashes before my eyes as I think of who would be better fit for it. When I was 9, but he was just a kid, and he would be one year younger than I am now. I don't want to think about it, not that too. It's ancient crap.

I don't want to think at all, and somehow I doubt, that getting a kid could save my life. It would only complicate the lives of others if or when I die from that kid. And it's a terrible thing to do, just to stay alive, especially if I'm already thinking that it won't work.

I need K, and no one can replace him. I need him so damn much that my desperate need brings me back to my thoughts on suicide. Do I love him enough now?
No, I don't think that kind of love can be measured in amounts like that. It just is. And it's killing me. But I'm not prepared, I don't want to be prepared. I want to live, I just don't think I can.

I've been suppressing these thoughts, cause I don't want to worry anyone. Have tried to find other reasons to live, but it's not just hard, it's fucking impossible. I'm just counting the days and I have no idea how much more of this I can endure. I won't do anything, I promise, I just needed to finally vent about this.

I was gonna post a very long entry about how I'm getting closer to getting suicidal, because of K really, but I didn't want to post that. I didn't want you worrying about me, like that last time. But here I am, posting it anyway. Because I can't think straight, and I can't bottle it up. Please don't take this as a suicide note, I'm not planning on going anywhere. It's just thoughts.