I've been wondering too what to do with the internet if I end up with child. Like it would probably be hard to keep such information to myself. And would tumblr then find out about me being trans too? Since it would be impossible stating one fact without the other, I mean.
Maybe I wouldn't care about coming out, or I'd find another way of saying that I'm gonna have a child. But then people would probably ask who the mother is, and my child isn't gonna have a biological mother. Isn't that a little mind blowing too? That the child would have 2 biological fathers? Mother, father, they're just words really, the process is still the same as it would be for a female having her child.
But I've been thinking about it on and off, what an extraordinary thing it would be really, for me to have a child. That it would be uncommon for a transguy post transition to do such a thing. I know it's not very uncommon at all for transguys to have children before their transition, but it's not exactly the same thing.
And I'm still scared about the weight gain. Isn't that just annoying, in a way? My annoying eating disorder which I can't wrap my head around, like why would that even be important at all? Of course, of bloody course there would be weight gain with a pregnancy. There would be another person living inside my belly, that I'd also have to feed and eat more for.
I'd really have to look it up in precise details just how much more I'm supposed to eat throughout that possible pregnancy. Keep in touch with the same or another dietitian so that I'd do it right and neither starve the poor thing nor overfeed both it and myself. And maybe even somehow deal with a slight overfeeding if it comes to that. Cause that would be better than starvation any day, even I realise that.
There actually was a time when I thought about it, that if I'd ever end up pregnant and wanting to keep the baby, I would do everything wrong just because I still somehow wouldn't have cared. That I would smoke, drink and keep my bad eating habits. But now, I'm not just thinking it would be stupid, it would be incredibly wrong and horrible of me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I might have hurt my baby.
I'm maturing, okay? Possibly even becoming a responsible adult, in a way. In this certain way, I'd just love to be the best parent I could ever possibly be. Maybe it wouldn't be enough, but it's the best I can do. And I'm all for becoming a better person, in lots of ways.
Maybe I wouldn't be fit for a parent, but I'd bloody try with everything I've got and more to not be an unfit parent.
I'm glad these thoughts are back, making me smile again for a possible, much brighter but also much more complicated, future. I'll stick to my plan though, to not go jumping into anything until some time has passed. I need for this to sink in properly and I really can't rush this. That would just be irresponsible and I need for this to be an at least somewhat wise decision.
And there is sooo much to plan around, really, I don't think you have any idea. I don't think anyone does unless you have a child already, and yes, that would definitely include me too. I'm just looking at this huge other world ahead of me and I can't grasp it. Is it ahead of me? I don't know that yet.
It's soon April. Where did the time go? As far as I know, things could already be set in motion by this time next year, or I could have realised that parenthood isn't something for me after all. I will however wait a while with possible bottom surgery, let's say a few years, just to be dead sure about that.
Cause that is still something I'd like to have done sometime in the future. If I even live that long. I can't possibly know. But right now, I can see myself wanting to be alive for a child, but not without one. Anything to keep me alive? Usually yes, but in this case? I'm not that sure.
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