Skin tight

I've always believed, but it still surprises me. I do this ritual thingy every day before I go to bed, to make my beard growth increase, beyond what the hormones can do. And now... I think it's actually working. Side effects: more acne, itching and slight skin irritation. I look at my hands for only a moment, trembling. The power in them, it makes the skin feel weird, as if it was the skin itself holding that power.

Only a small part of me can't understand how this can be real, though the most of me has always taken my magic powers for granted. I'm a demon warlock incarnate, what else can be expected? Yet, I'm still surprised. The natural laws here have bound me for so long, that this feels like break through. A small one, but still a break through.

What I would be able to do if this goes the way I want it to. Suddenly, a lot of opportunities open up, and I will be taking on bigger projects in changing the way I look. Not just hair and eyes and skin, but re-shaping my so very hated curves. I don't know if it could be possible, I don't know just how much power I have. It will certainly be worth a try or two though, in the future. I don't wanna get drained, since it's kinda a bad time for that, with the up coming surgery and stuff. Shit, I'm seriously vain...

But will I make people believe in me? Perhaps a little demonstration to prove them wrong? Uh-uh, not gonna happen. I don't even talk about it, I might have just mentioned it briefly at one point or another, but I definitely don't brag or show off. That's not what I want. But if this really will work and have the outcome I plan for it, it will be obvious. 



Oh, and sixth round of bleaching my hair, by the way. Will post pictures later, along with pictures from my fifth round that I did a couple of weeks ago, but never made it to the internet.

It could be

I told my mother that I hear more than just Anna's voice in my head nowadays, but I didn’t tell who they are. A goblin from World of Warcraft, Satan and raspy unidentifiable voices. I suppose I just thought it would sound stupid to say that. The shrinks idea about me having ADHD came up, and I told my mother that I just tell the shrinks that my head is full of thoughts as a cover up for all the voices that I hear. All the voices? Yeah, it's not just Anna anymore... So ADHD is off the table, unofficially. That was when she said it could be Schizophrenia. That made me kinda baffled, but sort of in a positive way, like an approval or something.

I was surprised about that, since she has never said I could have a diagnosis/condition before. But we both agreed on that it probably wouldn't be helpful having that diagnosis on paper, especially considering the sex change process I’m going through. So obviously we left that out at the meeting today, as usual. We never speak about my hallucinations and delusions there. I told my mother that I’m sort of planning on finding out about that after I’ve legally changed from female to male gender identity, mostly because I’m so damn curious about if I could get diagnosed schizophrenic.

Oh and I did add my sister on tumblr, by the way. She's weird! I guess it's hereditary, weirdness I mean. It completely is, by the way. I don't think I have/had any normal family members or relatives. They're all either hermits (my parents), drunks, on antidepressants, deluded (my grandfather didn't brush his teeth in over 30 years), demented or hysteric. What goes around comes around, and stuff like that. 

Pushing it

Sometimes I forget to breathe when I’m around my love on the internet. I get reminded by Anna yelling at me to breathe for fucks sake and I have no idea what she's on about all of a sudden. It's a positive oxygen deprivation though. Well, that came out wrong... what I mean is the reason why I suddenly just stop breathing without me noticing it, is due to positive things. Sometimes I’m afraid that “this time he really read between the lines, realised I’m having intentions and I’ve scared him off” and other times I catch myself almost thinking maybe he has intentions too which makes me a little bubbly inside.

I’m playing a dangerous but very fun game (one could almost call it flirting): sending him very vague signals hidden in normal, friendly conversations. Like writing in a heart in a sentence referring to something we both like, but in my mind and in the way the sentence is structured, the heart could be meant directly to him, but only if you really read a lot into it. Or if you read my blog and every post I’ve answered on Facebook you might be able to figure it out as well. I don't really know how good I am at mind games...

Now I don't do that all the time of course, only if I an do it neatly and if I’m 110% sure it doesn't look suspicious. On a subconscious level of some kind I want him to notice, but most of my common sense and self-preservation does not want him to notice, since that could be quite devastating. So why do I do it then? I’ll get back to you when I figure out an answer...

Creativity rush

“My next project will be advanced and take longer time” I remember babbling about in another entry. Well, I’ve been working 3-4 hours now and I’m almost half done with this last project. Didn't really count the fact that I’m constantly high on caffeine and don't sleep. This will all the done by tomorrow, most likely. And believe me, I’m methodical, careful and precise in every cut or stitch. Working with layers of fabric, thread and steel. Twisting, wrapping, sewing. Measuring and trying to not completely entangle myself in the messy little threads the fabric lets off. The latter completely fails though, it's like fighting with cobweb, it sticks everywhere except where it's supposed to be: in the fabric.

I’m having a little smoke break now, and enjoying the rush. The positive thing about these severely increased highs and lows that shifts multiple times a day, is that when I’m on a high it feels really fantastic! A bit like being on speed, except that I’m also creative, confident, have good self esteem and a constant smile on my lips.

That is not the caffeine by the way, because I get just as severe lows on the same (well I can't know exactly) doses of it. It could of course be that the caffeine is contributing to the increased variations between these polar extremes, but it doesn't just make me manic, is my point. It just increases, well everything it seems.

Alrighty then, back to work!

How to have fun in misery

I'm not sure whether the pictures I take of myself actually have become better lately, or if it just feels that way. Does the pictures look better cause I think that I'm actually looking better or is it the other way around?

Things are starting to look strange again... I’m torn between the fear of sleeping and the fear of hallucinating. I can't escape both, and I don't think that I can choose. What an obvious choice, perhaps, but it's never quite that simple when it comes to me. My fear of sleep is equally strong as my fear of hallucinating, thus making the decision impossible for me to make. I just wish I didn't have to make such a choice. But stupid as I am, I can feel it in my gut that I will choose to rather fight off imaginary insects to going to bed tonight. That's how far off the edge I am right now.

At least I got an appointment to see my therapist on Wednesday, so maybe I can get a tip or something on how to straighten myself out a little. If I will have to be admitted it will have to be a short visit cause I’m heading off to Uppsala the week after that! I really think I need that “perk me up” and it's better than any medicine or hospital bed. I even feel as if I have a slight case of energy going on these last few days. I’ve been taking a walk once, sometimes twice a day and my walk is light, steady and even faster than usually.

I’m making some stuff, sort of a Halloween outfit, but it's not a full costume. It will just be few items, quite outstanding ones, but still. Things I could, if I wanted to, find in one of those crappy stores selling cheap costumes, but I just want it to look right. And a little eye-catching perhaps. I know it's silly, but this will be my first Halloween as a Satanist and according to their bible it's the one holiday to be celebrated. I've always loved this holiday and so I thought, why not actually go out as something a little less boring than a vampire or zombie?

I’ve been planning on making something for Halloween all summer, even if it meant I was just gonna stalk the streets in Hemse wearing it. If I could just get it right... need to buy some light steel wires/net or something for my next part of the project. And lots of more fabric. It would have been neat with thin, smooth leather, but I haven't found any such. All they have on this island is rough sheep skins the farmers themselves fixed up, and that won't do. So I’ll just go for fabric that might resemble it a little. Maybe I’ll even mix up different materials... ah, the ideas are many! It's amazing what you can make out of simple pieces of cloth you have lying around in the house, if you just put your mind to it. Though I’m running out of such items, and I can't trash any more clothes for that purpose either.

I’m high on caffeine. Gulped down three large cans of energy drinks since midnight. If it wasn't for them I would not be awake by now. Sometimes when I’ve forgot to drink for a little while the tiredness comes right back at me, and I desperately drink half a can to “shape up” again. Oh, this week... it's been a whole week now, can you imagine? I don't know if it's worth any sort of comfort or anything, but just so you know, it's not a game or a world record competition for me to stay awake. Seriously don't know where that idea came from. It's an endless chase from an irrational fear that is somehow connected to my sleep. That's as much as I know at the moment.

(This is why self psycho-analysis is so addictive: it gives results.)

I keep mistaking objects in my apartment for cats. I wanna paint my nails, but I wanna finish my crafting first. Can't do that with newly painted nails. Oh well, I suppose I’ve got all night for that... but now the anxiety is starting to catch up with me again, at every time a day I went up last time. Now it was almost two nights ago I got up from bed, and the anxiety hits me again, counting the days and hours of awaken time passed. Cause I know that the longer I stay awake, the harder it will be to not fall asleep. I’ve been having such awful anxiety around midnight almost every night this week, cause that is when it hits me. When I have been awake for 18-23 or 42-47 hours and the tiredness hits me in the face and I feel like I can't stay up any longer. The feeling is so powerful, it's like it eats me alive. And I don't even know what it is I fear so badly I’ve been popping Zyprexa like a maniac just to stop hyperventilating and the feeling of being close to fainting. Feelings like that shouldn't come unnoticed.

At least now I know what I’m dealing with, approximately what it is I fear. But how the hell can one be afraid of sleeping?! Isn't that against human nature or something? Well, all of me is apparently in some way or another against human nature... though at least I’m not the only one with this particular problem. Just hoping my doctors will take me seriously this time. Not just the obvious sleep deprivation issue, but the fear that lies behind it. Cause it doesn't matter what pills they give me for my sleep when I won't even take them.

I feel like a train of misery, passing or picking up every nasty experience I come by.

I live just a website away

Okay... so I had 8 followers on tumblr just yesterday, now they are 28... and a picture I posted of myself has gotten 55 notes! Not sure how that happened, but you should have seen my face when I noticed! Like woah! I don't even post that much stuff myself, but mostly just reblog what the ones I follow upload. Did I mention that I love that website? Kinda need to say it again! My sister has a blog there somewhere, or at least I think she said that a while ago, and I’ve been meaning to ask her if I could follow her there. But I never see her nowadays and I don't even know if I would want to have any contact with her online.

I live on the internet! At least that's what it feels like. I'm not addicted to it, I moved into it. Facebook is my kitchen, tumblr is my living room, Dayviews is my bathroom and the rest are my bedroom which I don't visit that often. I sit by my computer with Firefox constantly on display every waken hour. Well, I do embroider or draw a little now and then, but take breaks for smoking and then I’m back by the screen. Oh, what a life... but considering how single tracked or dull it might seem, I’m never bored. Never, ever bored. My secret? I'm insane! Okay, not exactly a secret, but that's what's keeping me busy. All the million thoughts, undefinable emotions, hallucinations, delusions, psycho-analysing, anxiety and self harm.

Satan really does answer to my every prayer! I appreciate it very much, but it is a little creepy. Well, we all know about the first one when he saved my life in late June, and the second time I asked him for how long I'm going to live and I got the answer “for three or four years from now”. Now that one I can't know if it's real or not though, not yet anyway. But then again a few days ago I asked him if he could perhaps give my crush a little nudge in my direction but I didn't receive an answer, until later. He told me that I can nudge my crush myself, I don't need divine powers for that! As for the next one, I prayed yesterday and asked him to help me get through this tough period I’m having right now. Today I feel a lot better. Like I can eat and sleep again and don't have so much dark thoughts. I just know he's got something to do with that too!

So this is how I will know if a prayer is worth saying or not: if it's something I can do for myself, he won't bother doing it for me, no matter how much I’d rather he did. If it's a question, I can get a straight answer right away (though that is the part where I might be hallucinating). This is so fascinating! I really picked the right religion, I know it, and I’m gonna keep babbling about it, so get used to it.