Strength in hairs

So I've been thinking, pondering... if I should shave my hair off. I don't really want to, although I guess it could be exciting in some sense. The actual reason I'm considering it is because my hair is so horrible looking and in such bad quality now that I literally can't think of any way to possibly save it. I'm always wearing a wig in public now, and I'm planning on buying more wigs in different colours and styles. So like... if my hair just looks like a rat's ass that I don't want to show in public anyway, and I'm wearing wigs anyway... what's the point of keeping it on my head? I don't even bother to keep up with dyeing or trimming it. It's like I've already given up on it.

I think what I fear or worry the most about if I'd really shave it is... well, losing a part of my femininity, losing another part of my body (even though it's not a permanent "loss" it's still a pretty big thing), and that my hair is a big comfort for me. I've never felt comfortable in short hair, as either or any gender. I've had short hair as a girl before, at around age 16, and obviously as a kid (0-7ish) when my parents didn't allow me to grow my hair out. And I then also had short hair as a guy when I was like 21, and then again at age 24. So I have had short hair, but felt really uncomfortable about it every time. But then I also get really annoyed at my hair when it's long, although I very rarely ever get any wish to cut if off. I usually just get a wish to tie it up.

It was at 24 that I also cut it cause it was horribly damaged. That time was from way too intense bleaching. I bleached it literally 12 times... oops. That fried my hair completely so I went from waist length to a short kinda typical "guy style" yeah that short blonde backslick which I still have photos of on my facebook page. However, I can't really "just" get a short hairstyle now. It's damaged to the roots, or even into the roots. Cause what grows out is very, very thin and brittle. It keeps breaking off close to the scalp. I don't know what's happened to it, if it's the testo or something else. Cause about 3-4 years ago and all the time before that, it was very thick and lots of it. Now, I have about a quarter of what I used to, and the hairs themselves are about half the thickness and so brittle they literally break in my hands. If I'd take one strand in my hands and snap it, it requires no effort at all. I can see my scalp through it, like what little is left of it doesn't even cover the skin it grows on anymore. That is a bad look. So seriously, I think the only thing I even can do about it at this point is to cut it all off.

So erhm well... my hair is dead. I just don't have the courage to bury it. I don't need more things about my body to mourn though... It's like... up until recently (few months ago) I kept beating the dead horse, but then I stopped and I'm letting it be, but it's still lying there and I don't have the heart to let it actually rest in peace. I still keep it in my damn stable and keep bringing it food and water, just hoping it may still come back to life again.

I've always loved having long hair... I never got the black, hip-long, thick hair I always dreamed of having since I was a kid. That long wigs are just not comfortable to wear at all. They slip off even with glue, get really fucking entangled and take forever to detangle. I know, there might still be hope for my hair at some point. If it is the testo causing it to have gotten so thin and brittle, there is a slim chance that the longer I stay off the testo my hair might possibly regain some of its former strength, eventually. But even if so, shaving it might still be a better solution than keeping it. Cause it might look better when it grows out again then. It still keeps growing at a normal rate. So I mean, just shaving it once wouldn't be an irreversible change. It's just hair, right?

Well I'm gonna need to think about this a hell of a lot more before I'll make any actual decision on it. I would prefer to wait until after I have boobs again, cause I think then it would be easier to deal with losing the femininity that having long hair comes with, if I at least have boobs to feel feminine with, as a comfort. But I also know that I'm just feeling worse and worse about my hair by the fucking day. If it doesn't get better soon I'm likely gonna have a breakdown about it either way. Also, I can't keep post-pobning literally everything until after I have new boobs. Life doesn't stop for that.

Also, a VERY important sidenote about boobs:
While masturbating last night... even though I hate touching my flat chest, I decided to give it a go, just to try out something new. What I did was squeezing one side of my chest, like really hard as if there was a boob there that I was squeezing excitedly, repeatedly and constantly, while holding a vibe against my clit, and fuck almighty... it felt so good. And I felt my super strong orgasm also internally, despite no penetration (cause I'd have needed a third hand to manage that). I managed to trick my mind to think I was actually squeezing my own, real boob, and it felt sooo good. Not just good, it touched my soul. It made me feel an intensely amazing connection between my chest and my pussy that I have literally never felt before. Like there were sparks shooting between them through my stomach, enticing each other to orgasm. Damn, it was so beautiful.

I felt like a complete woman, super attractive and just right. It made me think that... maybe I've already cured away my chest-trauma feelings as well? Cause... it had no "dirt" in it, that feeling of being aroused by touching my chest in a way that made me feel as though it was my breast I was touching, in a very "womanly" erotic way (yes I squeezed it very hard, but it didn't hurt at all, it felt just awesome, do remember my nerves are a little dead in that area)... it had no "dirt"... it was pure. I'm still very dysphoric and grieving about my chest, but in that moment I connected to it, more than I ever had before. I connected to it because I could literaly FEEL like I had breasts again, and I loved every second of it. That's some fucking badass "mind over matter" alright! That moment felt like the clearest sign EVER that I will be whole again with new boobs. And likely also ridiculously sexually fulfilled...

But back to my hair issue:
This is not an easy decision to try to make. And I'm trying to not be upset by it. Like... lots of women look really badass with a bald head, and many also see it as a freeing and empowering thing to do. But then it's also super common for women who lose their hair to grieve like fuck. So erhm yeah...

But then it also gets tricky cause I don't think I'd be comfortable with having a beard if I had no hair on my head. Like I'd just feel like I'd look like a total dude and not at all that sweetly femme with a male touch. Unless I'd wear a wig of course. So I mean I could do so that I'd only have a beard if I'm wearing a wig but shave my face if I'd go without a wig. I think I have gotten a lot braver in general since detransing, but this still feels like it's very far from my comfort zone, and it's difficult for me to even just toy with the idea. It's like some really hot potato I really don't wanna hold in my hands.

But it might also be freeing if I'd actually dare to let go of that comfort and actually work on my issues with that. I don't know if that's a gendered thing... cause men seem to be less bothered by shaving their heads, and most of my guy friends have at least tried it once or twice, even if they've got super thick, nice hair with no signs of balding. And most balding guys I know don't seem to have cared much about shaving off the rest. But of course some do and have struggled with it. Just like some women never have any issue with shaving their heads or having very short hair. But I've gotta wonder if that's societal or biological. Like... why exactly are women more likely to feel emotionally attached to their hair, than men are to theirs? Cause it could totally be societal, about women often being told they should be pretty and have long hair. But then even a lot of butch women who don't really care about looking "pretty" seem to have the same emotional hangup about shaving it like many femme women do, and some femme women don't have that hangup. So I dunno. Could be a combination of societal and biological, maybe.

It made me think of a movie I watched a really long time ago. I liked it but it had a lot of boring scenes too. It's called "G.I. Jane" and is about a woman who joins the army (I've forgotten her reason for joining it) and she rebels against the sexism in the military like that she was considered "weak" for being female and it also bothered her that she was allowed to keep her hair long cause the men were required to shave theirs. Around halfway into the movie she gets her hair entangled or slightly stuck in clothes or whatever, like it doesn't injure her at all, but it slows her down and she's already struggling to keep up with the men, so she decides to shave it off. And that gives her the mental strength and bravery that she needs to reach her potential as a soldier. So that's like... quite a "girl power" movie and is of course based on the "G.I. Joe" thing, whatever that was I don't quite remember but I'm pretty sure it's an "action figure" like a masc doll for little boys to play with. It's like a Ken doll in military clothes... But if that doll came from a movie, or a comic, or whatever... I dunno. But anyhow.

I really have too much to deal with already. With my boob-grief, accepting my facial hair, detransing in general, all the trauma stuff... I really don't need to deal with hair-grief as well right now. Also it's winter, meaning it's too fucking cold to be that hairless. I don't know, I really don't know... I guess it could be pretty awesome in some ways though... Like I could change eyebrow colour (with makeup, or dye cause those are kept short-haired) whenever I wanted, I could get lace scarves like a sorrow veil and wear on my head, and I think it could look very intense and striking with a sharp and femme goth makeup look. Like Anna Varney! She's a trans woman who is non-transitioning due to her religion, is very depressed, makes beautiful music by singing and is considered somewhat of a goth legend with her band Sopor Aeternus. She wears a very femme, dark clothing style that reminds me of mourning clothing from the 19th century, often has really long nails, she's bald (likely due to male pattern baldness) but sometimes wears a half-wig (that start on the top of the head so shows like a very high forehead) in some elaborate style, or a sorrow veil. She's quite old, I think, (like 60+) and not particularly "pretty" per se, but she has a lot of badass vibes, her style is very beautiful and incredibly artistic. She makes beauty out of her grief. So in that sense I see beauty in the way she looks.

It's often debated if she's really trans or not, but I think the song "Anima II" of hers really confirms that she is. In that song she sings about herself as a woman with really had dysphoria about her male body, and it literally has the lyric line "my true self is female" soooo like how much clearer can it possibly get? Well, she's never said it outright in interviews and seems to be very quiet about her personal life to the paparazzi. But whatever, I guess. Reading her wiki, she's got a pretty interesting, and very sad, story though.

But enough ranting about that musician. I just brought her up cause just IF I'd ever dare to shave my head, she could definitely be a style inspiration for me. Also, head jewellery?! Like a creation of thin chains with small berloques that are meant to be worn on the head. Would also be awesome on a bald head. I think I've got a pretty neat head shape, but not easy to know for sure. I don't think it has any big bumps or dents, at least. Although I know I have a few little brown spots here and there on it, where I've had it partially shaved (like sidecuts) before. Also when I had my head partially shaved in the past, I really liked to just stroke that very, very soft stubble. Like it felt a bit like velvet, and it was soothing to just play with. I'll... hold onto that mental image.

But what really makes me contemplate it is... well, I feel kinda embarrassed by my hair now. Because I still keep holding onto it even though it looks so awful. I mean fuck, I even wore my wig for my id card... cause I couldn't stand the idea of showing my nasty nest of hair on such a picture. I don't know if that's allowed, but no one said anything about it, and nor did I, so it did end up in the pic on the card that I now have. And I think I'd actually feel more comfortable walking around in public bald than I do with the hair I have on my head now. I think that in itself is a pretty compelling reason. And maybe it is just me being a wuss that's keeping me hesitating. Also it would be really fucking nice to not have to deal with hair-brushing, tying it up whenever (I almost always have it tied up at home), getting hair in my eyes and mouth all the god damn time, not having to bother with 300 rounds of conditioning or even buying super expensive conditioners (I'd probably still use some cheap ones for just moisturing my head in the shower with, though).

Yeah, I feel super scared about doing it, but at the same time... I kinda want to? I think it might be freeing. If not else so because of just daring to let go of my stupid hair, like it might be a release from what has essentially become a burden. And because it's something I've been holding onto beyond the point of it being reasonable or even mentally healthy. But I also think it would be very difficult to go through with. I think I'd likely break down and panic soon afterwards, or even in the middle of the process. I wish I'd have a friend or someone who could take over then to finish it, if I'd still be committed to it but just too upset to handle holding the clippers. Cause I think that would trigger a lot of emotions in me. Which is also why I absolutely would NOT want to go to a hair salon for it. Just... no fucking way I'd let myself break down at a hair salon. Although that must be the one kind of haircut that simply no hairdresser even possibly could fuck up. Like, they can't go too short or cut it the wrong way if the intended result would be zero hair left. I mean... unless they'd chop off my ears too, I guess...

But yeah.. of course I'm also aware of that going from back length to no hair would be a very big step. I very much know that. Which is probably also why just thinking about doing this makes me nauseous. I've never been able to hold that thought for more than a few seconds before. But then I always used to love my hair, which I don't anymore. I hate it. It's horrible and it's just a hopeless mess, and its only good use these days is to help keep my wig in place, and keep my head somewhat warm and/or protected from sunlight. But there is wig glue/tape and hats can keep my head warm and/or protected. So if that's the only use my hair has now... it's pretty useless, cause I don't really need it for any of those things.

I think I'll order one or two more wigs first, and try to imagine what being bald could look like on me. Like just wearing my wig cap (which is close to my skin tone in colour) on my hair tied up and really stare into the mirror with that look and see if I could like it. Cause I think that's as close to "looking bald" as I can make myself before actually doing it.

The kind of wigs I really want is one to be in the same (or similar) kind of brown/blonde ombre colours as my real hair is in now, cause I really like that style, but it's difficult to find such a wig. Saw one on Amazon that of course doesn't ship to Sweden... and I don't want to have to bother with contacting some super expensive wig company to have one custom made. Nah. I'd like for it to have bangs so it doesn't need to be lace front, and it also doesn't need to be made of real hair. Some higher quality synthetic hair would be just fine.

For another wig I don't know if I'd want a plain brown (possibly for Anna but also for myself) in either a long-ish or mid-length style... or maybe something in a lighter copper or bronze colour. I dunno, I do have a thing for warm brown and blonde colours on hair nowadays, but I don't want a fully blonde wig. I don't like that look on myself, and I feel kinda proudly brunette these days. But I would like some blonde details to like give it a golden hint. However, brown with blonde highlights is the most boring hair colour style ever. It's been so nagged out, and the entire 90's and 00's ruined it by overdoing it. But if I can't find some nice looking brown/blonde combo wig, I guess I'll just throw my money at a plain brown wig then. Also need to buy more wig tape. And maybe some sorrow veils (but also I'd wear them like backwards, in a non-traditional way, so not over my face, btw, but more like a hood).

And I don't think I'll get enough courage (or stupidity) to do it before I'd get that/those wig/wigs and given it some more thought. Although I must admit a small part of me kinda wants to do it right now. I know I shouldn't though. I need to be a bit more certain about it first, or at least a bit more mentally prepared. And also, have some comforts readily available in case I'd really panic or break down about it. Although just running to bed and lying down wrapped up in my duvet might be a really good "escape route" if my feelings would get way too overwhelming. Also I don't know if I should tell my mother about it first or just shock her with the result afterwards. I don't think she'd be particularly shocked though, more like a bit surprised and possibly confused. I don't really want to talk to her about any aspect of my looks nowadays, and I don't want her opinion on it. At least not before, as that might make me feel more insecure and hesitant about doing it, than I already am.

I'm the kinda person who usually wants as little input from others about my decisions as possible. Because if I don't ask for input or don't get any advice on it, then I can be more sure that the decision is entirely, and genuinely my own choice. And not something I do because of other people's influences. But I also need to vent my thoughts on stuff like this, cause they simply don't fit in my head. And I usually don't mind input from friends or people that I know would speak from what's in my best interest and not just their own ideas of what they think of it in general.

Like I've been vehemently against the look of bald heads for the vast majority of my life, so if someone had asked me back then, if I thought they should shave their head, I would have said "no, don't do it" because of my own personal feelings on it, and not because of me actually caring about what would be the best or most helpful advice for that specific person. I do appreciate the opinions of well-meaning, good friends. Just not those of my non-supportive, naggy parents.

So yeah, I'm not against it anymore, apparently! I kinda always knew that someday I would shave my head, at least as an inkling of a thought. And strangely I always thought it would be badass to do as a woman, but kinda not as a man. Because as a woman it would be really going against societal expectations, and far outside of my own comfort zone, but as a man it would just have been... boring? But I do still get a strong emotional reaction towards it. It's a mix of positive and negative feelings, much of which I've already explained quite well in this entry. That I connect bravery, strength, and badassery as well as a certain kind of beauty towards it on the positive side - but then there are my fears and thoughts of losing comfort and femininity, on the negative side. This is of course only really applicable to baldness on women, and by extent, also on feminine men. Because I'm feminine, and sometimes I look, feel and sound like a man, but it is as a woman that I walk this Earth.

Would I regret it, if I'd do it? Well, I might. But I don't think that would be so bad if I would. It does grow out again, and I could still wear my wig as I already do. It wouldn't change much in practice, except it might make me wanna hide my head when not wearing a wig if I'd regret it. But as it is winter soon, I could quite easily solve that issue by wearing hoods, even indoors, or even get a simple at-home-wig. And then already within a month or two, it would be a buzzcut and no longer bald. But then I might also not regret it, and might even shave it again as it grows out. If I'd like it, I may actually wanna maintain it for a while.

I think it very much is different to be contemplating this decision now, as a woman in my detransition, than if I had done it as a guy before detransing. Cause then I'd very likely have been regretting it now, as I was so happy about that I had long hair as a man, letting me in detransition have long hair as a woman too... for a while. I really needed that, a lot. But maybe I can let go of that now. Looking at my pros and cons... it does seem like it's leaning quite heavily for doing it, as I should not let simply my fears stop me. And there are other comforts to find. Around me, within me and on my body. I don't need to hoard comforts for the sake of hoarding them! However, the timing might not be ideal, considering I already have a bunch of other difficult issues to deal with now. I dunno, I'll sleep on it or something. Not right now but, whenever I'll sleep. And walk around with just my wig cap on my head for a while to "test the look". Well, if I squint real hard in dim light it might almost kinda look like a bald head...

Oh btw, if I'll do it... I won't keep the hair itself as some kind of trophy or memory. I'd just trash it. Cause I have enough nostalgic things in my apartment that is literally just trash. I need to move the fuck on from that sort of hoarding too. I'd still have all the pictures of how I looked with it on my head. That's better than the whole fucking nasty bundle of it in a drawer.

(And about the title of this entry, it comes from the old saying "strength in numbers" but in a sarcastic way, as in, I shouldn't rely my strength on how much or what kind of hairs I have on my head and/or body.)

This year is starting to get kinda intense... in the sense that this year so far is the most fucking intense one of my life so far, and if I'll also face yet another one of my biggest fears: shaving my head, I'm gonna deserve more than just a medal, okay?! Fuck, 2018 is one heck of a roller-coaster... I wonder how much will have changed by the time of New Years Eve. I barely every recognise January-me of this year compared to this October-me. So now I'm really curious what December-me will be like, looking onto the next January-me with bright eyes... and I wonder what I'll be promising the stars for the next coming year. I'm looking forward to it.