And I strangely start feeling about Dala again. Feelings without much actual thoughts. Just those ancient emotions carefully licking my skin like flames. They're familiarly inviting, as if they've always been there and they have. The first feelings I've ever had, but couldn't name until I got older. No, cross that, I still can't name them. They're not entirely human, but possibly in the same category as some kind of homesickness. They're deeper though, much deeper and more crude. Like maybe something the cavemen could have felt, before language was invented.
Back when feelings were the only thing humans had, before thoughts. Maybe I have to trace back further than to cavemen then, I honestly don't know. But those feelings are ancient and have always existed but not within every human being. Not since thought and language came, at least. Maybe it's the music, or the things we talked about, that sort of put me in this kind of mood. A very special kind of mood that is very hard to explain.
It speaks of nostalgia and a certain hopelessness. A wondering if I'll ever come home again someday. Questions without words hang lifelessly in the air, for they have been asked many times before and have lost some of their sparks. They echo without sounds, bouncing back and forth between the walls of my heart. Those walls that can't contain anything anymore because of the shatter. They barely even resemble walls, everything lies in ruin.
My heart is a bit like an old castle, that once stood proud and tall, but now lies in ruin and is haunted by those who used to live there. Broken hearts don't repair easily, and I wonder if mine was ever whole in this life. Maybe I was born brokenhearted because I was torn from Caspian and my home. I don't know. I wasn't born right, I was like... just thrown into darkness. Or such is my belief.
And I've been trying to get back home more than I've been trying to live. And a part of me wants to go back to looking more like I did back then. At least I want waist/hip long, black hair again. "You told I had eyes of the wolf, search them and find the beauty of the beast" -Nightwish sings in one of my favourite songs by them. I listen to it intently as physical hunger ravages in my stomach. And I don't know what to think, two days later, as my thoughts are starting to distort.
We talked about so much, and things take turns in what my mind is analysing at the moment. Right now it's the parts about Dala and Caspian tumbling through my mind. Perhaps you've noticed and it goes unsaid, but still. I don't really know what to make of it and I find myself being skeptical. And I'm critical too. As if it can't be that way and I'm not sure if I want it to be. I just don't see enough connection, or maybe I just wanted the connection to be more... I don't know, something else.
We still have much figuring out to do, is my ultimate thought about it. I leave much unsaid, it's not the time nor the place and I'm not even sure how much I should say about it right here. But my thoughts about this are wild and I have nowhere to vent them. They're accusing and assuming left to right, they're far from calm and it's a damn storm in my head.
How reality can be so weird to me sometimes, and how certain things almost seem to come out of nowhere, yet they don't. I believe everything comes out of somewhere and often from where you least expect them. I try to not expect too much though. About anything. And who I love more than the other or not is probably messing me up more than it's hurting you, although that's just me assuming things that I shouldn't. Cause what if I do love K more than Caspian? Do you even realise on what level that would tear apart my whole existence?
It hit me out of the blue and I still haven't found the time or the strength to process it. Cause where would I go if that's the case? Stay, for the sake of trying to be with someone who doesn't want me - or leave, and leave behind the person I love the most to be with the other? If he's even there, on the other side? Cause if what you said is real, then I would kinda technically leave both behind me for I don't even know what, if I die.
And I know things need to happen, I have yet not had my biggest realisation. The future feels so uncertain yet promising at the same time. It feels like a huge abyss that I'm falling into. And I won't know how deep it is before I land. The future... it's just a massive, pitch black hole in the ground for me. Stay and you'll see what happens, people always tell me, but at this point I'm more scared of living than I am of dying. Although some days I think I fear life and life beyond death equally much. I fear the unknown, ultimately. I don't fear the darkness, but what's crawling in it.
So... if I really do love K more than Caspian it would disrupt everything and tear my world apart. I don't want for it to be that way and I'm still not sure if that's the case. I've loved Caspian for so long now, I always have. And I miss him and I know he loves me back, it's just that somehow K is closer, sometimes more real. And I think that's why I sometimes think I possibly feel more for him, because he's here when Caspian isn't.
At this point, they've both been so distant and far out of reach. Maybe it did mean something, that I haven't felt Caspian's presence as much lately anymore, with what you told me two days ago. And I do want to believe in that possibility at the same time as I don't. And I feel as though I can't share half of all my thoughts and feelings simply because I can't understand them yet. I think it's good that you told me though, what you have realised.
And this blog entry is half directed to you, Y, and half just me venting. So that's why I won't make it in cursive, as it's not directly aimed at you, even though it kinda is. In a way. I guess it's up for a lot of interpretation too. Some things I just randomly yell out without any sense of direction, and I'm not sure which of all these things are yelled out with or without direction. Even I can't tell.
I've mostly been trying to not think about what we said but sometimes I've been thinking about it. I know my mind can't resist going there, and even though I was very drunk, I still remember a lot of what we said. Ultimately I had eleven drinks and by the time we stopped talking I was so smashed that I saw double and crashed in my bed half asleep already not even five minutes later. Still, despite that, my memory is perfectly clear, and I suspect there's a reason for that.
And I realised that I had missed talking to you like that, although I was very nervous about it before we started. So yeah, just like to throw out there that it felt good for me and that it was different this time, as I managed to stay honest even when it was hard. It can still be, hard for me to not resort to lies. I don't remember what I felt the urge to lie about that time, as I can't remember everything, just a lot. And I remember more of what you said than of what I said.
I'm not sure how good your memory is of that night, but I hope you remember some of it at least. I'm not sure but I think I drank more than you did, although that's just one factor to it. And I'll probably keep going over it in my mind, for days, maybe even weeks or possibly longer than that. For as long as I need to. I take bits and pieces of our conversation at a time, it was a whole lot to take in and some things are gonna need more time to go through as well. Some things I can't really think about at all right now, they're too painful and if you remember I'm pretty sure you know which things it is I'm vaguely talking about.
And as weird as it feels, I've written a lot of deep stuff for such an early time of the day now. It's not even noon yet. But I find myself running out of words now, but surely I'll find my way back to them again eventually. I'll make today a calm day with little responsibilities. Might take out the trash, but that's about it, as far as planning goes. And to not eat, just live on coffee. My scale was stupid and showed me that I had gained 0,3 kg since last time I weighed but can't remember when that was. So hoping to at least be able to get down to 55,7 or so by tomorrow. I noticed that my BMI is below 20 if I weigh below 56 kg. It's a small comfort but it's something.
That's it for now, might continue with more text later on, but right now I feel as though my thoughts are spinning without an end and I just got off track completely here, so I will stop here for now. This was just me carefully sniffing in the direction of these thoughts and feelings. They're far too overwhelming for me to just dive right into, but given enough time, I'm pretty sure I'll do some actual diving. I'm good with that, so it will most likely happen, but not right now. Right now it's time for more coffee, cigarettes and possibly some more World of Warcraft too.
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