Boredom and anger

My computer just randomly shut down while I was asleep again. My heart is racing and I don't know why. It makes me dizzy. I'm so tired and can't focus on anything. Just had breakfast though. Don't know if that will help with anything. But it could. More coffee, what am I supposed to do? I feel sick-ish but it's probably just because I've been drinking two nights in a row.

Tried to sleep but couldn't. I'm just somewhere between awake and asleep and I'm not very good at doing either right now. I was gonna book a laundry appointment but it was seriously full booked until late night of December the 23rd. That's what you get for not remembering it until now. I guess I'll just wear the same dirty tracksuit for another couple of weeks then. Oh sigh, what's the damn difference anyway? They haven't been washed since September or if it was August, so what difference does two more weeks make?

And I imagine watching one of my favourite movies with K and telling him my birth name cause it has some significance to that movie. I wouldn't mind him knowing at all. It's a part of my past, a part of me and I do want to share everything with him, eventually. But I don't just want to throw information on him, you know, I believe everything has its time and place. And we just haven't gotten there yet. I wouldn't tell him in a room full of people I don't know, but if it was just me and him, and possibly his partner too, I wouldn't mind it.

There are more people I would want to tell, like Y, but yeah, time and place are always things to consider for me. Sometimes other things seem to me more important to talk about. Hah, so far I've only told a few people, completely on accident, and I regretted it for so long. Not counting in those who know/knew me from before, that is. But those I have told, who didn't know, have been very few. I still hate that name, and it still sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it. I'm glad I don't have a classmate with that name, but just because I said it, I will probably get a new one with that name by next term.

I can deal with it, when other people have my birth name, but it's never easy. And it's a very common female name, that much I can say. Common, all around the world. I've literally heard of Spanish, French, American, even Indian women with that name. Only thing good about it, is its meaning. It's awful and badass at the same time, according to me then. It fit me rather good, except that it was the wrong gender. Nah, I won't give you any more clues here, it's too risky, don't want people I don't trust with my life to find out.

But yes, there are a few people I wouldn't mind knowing at all. Like I think it could even possibly bring us closer. I don't know, I'm thinking things I should not tell here. And that I won't. I only share my own life and secrets here, no one else's. Or, I very much try to not do that. My thoughts seem to be on K a lot tonight and I can't really find a specific reason as to why. Why more than usual, I mean.

I can't wake up, I just fucking can't. It's 17:53 and I feel half dead. Half drunk but the alcohol isn't helping. Not today, and it's the last day I can drink before I go to my parents' place and then it will be less drinking, but not nothing I suppose. I'm gonna try to stay away from beer though. I know they always drink a lot of it. I don't know what I'll do, I really don't know. Maybe I'll still drink it cause booze is booze. And that Christmas special beer usually isn't so bad.

Hell is living without you... I still feel what Alice Cooper sings. Mainly cause I don't know at all what to listen to so I take first best playlist on Spotify. I just don't know at all. Four drinks down now, I'm losing my ability to write but gain nothing. Nothing but the same old heartache increased and my thoughts are dulled. I love K so much my heart hurts again. I don't really like it when it is that way. What good does it do?

Take it down a bit from Alice Cooper and listen to Sigur Ros instead. No lyrics, just wonderful tunes. They sometimes have lyrics but I'm not very good at understanding Icelandic. Could look it up, but I don't care. I went shopping cause I was bored and craved pizza. Again. Could only eat half of it though, save the rest for tomorrow.

Yay, I can soon go to bed! Cause I'm so incredibly bored and don't really care about being awake. ESO is taking forever to update and WoW is boring me half to death. I literally just tore my knuckles bloody from banging my fist too... I don't even know in what way, against my desk. I think I must have scraped it against the edge somehow. Cause I can't make ESO work right now and it wants me to delete some random files and I just... nope, nope and certainly not today. Not a shred of me has the energy to do that. I just swallowed half a handful of pills and hope this day will just end soon enough. Can't fucking stand it.