Shifting between topics

I could quite possibly call myself bi-gender, but not male and female. Instead it's male and something else that I can't quite explain. Of course, the easy way would be to just say that I'm simply male, but I'm trying to understand myself better. I'm intrigued by what that mysterious gender could possibly be, and also I can't help but wondering if that too is something I brought with me from a previous life.

I always kinda thought I was undoubtedly male in my past lives, but now I'm not entirely sure anymore. I still have so much to figure out... like half the time I feel I still have more questions than answers.

And I feel I should really try to chill now. Cause yeah, he's talking to me, but I just feel so... unwanted, annoying and persistent. K of course, who else would I be talking about? I feel like I'm getting too clingy again but I just can't stop myself. Like I want to tell him this and that and just be a part of his life somehow. I'm just... I keep showering him with care and compliments as if he was single and we were dating or something. I don't know what's wrong with me.

What I mean is, mostly on facebook but also a bit on tumblr I think, as soon as he says something I'm just right there with no remorse or inhibition, saying whatever's on my mind. I feel as though I'm just too damn much right now. For anyone to handle. I doubt it really is that way, but I feel like I'm just everywhere at once and constantly in people's faces. Not just K. I don't know. But I try to see it as, that I'm just caring and wanting to be a little social can't be all that bad. I mean it's not like I'm actually forcing anyone to hang out with me if they're not up for it. Urgh, I don't even know what's going on.

I don't understand my body. I was hungry so I made some food but as soon as I started eating it all I felt is just... full? I can't get down a single bite. What a waste of food, but I really thought I was hungry. I crashed on the couch a few hours ago and woke up again about an hour or so ago, so had to start over with my drunkenness.

I know I'm hoping for a miracle and it just can't keep me alive. I told my shrink, when she asked me what we should do to keep me alive by the spring, that I didn't want to be kept alive. Not everyone who is suicidal wants to be saved. Why is that so hard to understand? It's literally the opposite to what I want. Like, if someone would help me die I would appreciate it. I would welcome it like a gift.

Maybe that's why I can't be against murder, cause half secretly I've been looking for my murderer half my life. Someone who could do it for me. Maybe that, would be the easy way out. If there even is such a thing. But to completely succumb to someone killing me? I don't know, but I'm guessing that would require some amount of courage too. I just never knew where to look. My neighbourhood and friend circles were always, despite everything, too damn safe. I've been looking for danger at least since I was about 13, but didn't find it until I was 17.

I'm just shifting between topics all the time today. Sorry if it's confusing. I feel like putting on a shit ton of make-up but I have no reason to. Feel pretty in my loneliness until I crash drunk as fuck in my own bed? I can't think of anything sadder, to be honest. It's Friday night and I still can't stop thinking I should be out partying. But there are no parties here. There's never been and there never will be.

Okay I really didn't think I'd be laughing at someone making rape jokes in world of warcraft. But they were just... probably a lost teen not even half as drunk as me. I'm serious, someone in that game said they were gonna rape me and I just lolled my way through it. First they wanted gold but they were on another realm so I couldn't give any (as if I would give them any substantial amount) and then we just ran around the spot chasing each other and just... I don't even know. I probably should report them but who gives a damn.

Ahaha, I wonder if they even had the slightest clue that I was playing a male character. Cause I was in druid shapeshift (cat) form and those look the same for both males and females. Cause usually those kind of players are males playing male characters wanting to some kind of twisted ERP (erotic role play) with female characters. I know that type. I've been playing that damn game for over 7 years and of course I've ended up in ERP a few times. Okay, just once or twice, but still. It's not even allowed.

Cause that game is for people from the age of 12 and I'm guessing that's why it's not allowed. Gah, where are my feelings? I can't drink them forth tonight. I'm still empty, drunk and empty. What a horrible way to be. I miss company but no one seems to be online. Well, no one I'd like to talk to. And no one who'd like to talk to me. I guess I'll crash in my bed soon, too damn bored with this.