Y, I feel so strongly what you said in your latest personal update on tumblr. As if I almost get glimpses of what you feel, or maybe we're just alike that way. Could be both of course. I no longer reject the thought that we may be of the same kind, I thought you should know, I see it as a possibility, a very likely possibility that we are of the same kind. Or could be.
Anyways, the way you describe why you're not suicidal, I've seen it that way so many times. That I would just get thrown back to get the knowledge I didn't get in this life. I don't really have any calming words to come with, but I know you appreciate truth, so I'll give you what I have. To me, I'm pretty sure I've reached a point where I don't care if that happens. That ultimately, I'm in control, that I can choose to leave this life and the next and the next until it gets how I want for it to be. Definitely not saying you should do the same, it's a terrible way to live.
And it's not much of a solution either, to be honest with you, which I always am, but still. These days I'm honest. With that, I see it as, what do I have to lose on being honest? Nothing. It's a win-win situation for both of us and I don't have a reason to lie. Not anymore. No fears hold me back, except possibly a very slight fear of choosing the the wrong word here and there or expressing myself if a clumsy way. But I still am honest, it's just about phrasing.
I want you to keep your head above the surface though, but I can't help feeling like a hypocrite telling you that when I'm deliberately drowning myself. I hope you understand though, that I do care more about your life than I do about my own. Big words perhaps, but I know what I'm throwing around, as my own life... I don't know, I haven't completely given up on it, but almost. I might still try to live about 10% and the other 90% of me still just wants to die.
I know you said you're not suicidal and I'm not really jumping to conclusions, but I think you might be on the verge to it and I'm not sure how to feel. But then, I also think that you will pull through this, I think most of the storm might have calmed down and you just need a lot of private time and space to get back to your old self again.
Now I suddenly feel like I'm writing for words I can't form. Like I try to reach out but don't know if I do. It's still and always worth a try or several though, I want you to know that. That sometimes I feel as though all my writings to you in a way become quantity over quality but then I also know myself fairly well. I know sometimes I have to write for a while before I start realising things. And I do want to share that process with you, so I post it all, not just what I've written from that "aha" -moment. If I get to one, that is.
And also I want to remind you that I'm still with you, even when we don't speak. I wish to support you as much as I can, which might not be a lot, but I am doing as well as I can, and might exceed my own limits from time to time. As I too am in a process of understanding myself and you better. Not saying that I don't understand you, I think I do, at least on quite many levels, but I mean it's always a process and I do want it. In that sense, how suicidal am I myself really? I don't want want to die from you.
Okay, that I might have to think about more later on, it surely created another question mark in my mind. I might be able to straighten it out, but I feel as though, that's not for now. I agree, it sure can be a relief to feel numb, and I'm not saying I'm in the same position as you, but I too just want to feel. Perhaps you'll see my tumblr post before or at about the same time as you see this text, and they sure tie together when it comes to that. I might be weird, but yeah, I do drink to feel.
I think that maybe, we both have to endure for now, as well as we can, for I think a lot awaits us both in the future. I hope both of us can hold on somehow, I know I don't have much other choice. But I too don't want to go through the same shit again and again, just because I'm far too obsessed with suicide, and getting out of misery. Cause yeah, I really am obsessed with suicide. I don't know if it's much comfort, but even I can sometimes see glimpses of light in my darkest... okay maybe not THE darkest days, but most of my dark days.
Sometimes K is my light, sometimes really simple things like tea or cats, and yes, even you can be the light that I see. And I do feel awful saying this, but compared to K, you actually care about me in ways I couldn't ever demand of anyone. That is warming, that is light, in my world. (And mostly I feel awful towards K saying that, but yeah. Not even sure he's figured out that he is K or reads this blog, but if he does, I don't know).
I'm not sure at all where I'm getting at so if you're trying to figure it out, it might just be pointless, but you never really know with me, right? Sometimes I might just get to a point almost out of the blue and other times I just keep on rambling in your direction. And there's not really any end to it these days.
But yes, I do too believe that the state you're in right now is temporary, that it will pass. You will feel again, oh damn, you'll feel! I'm sure of it. But I also know that it might not make this state any easier to endure. But also, I just want to say I'm really glad you talked to me on tumblr, and also I'm glad that I was there when you messaged me. Would probably have kicked myself a bit if I hadn't been. Just a bit though, as I don't really believe that kicking oneself is constructive in any way.
But I was there and I hope I could make at least that night of yours a bit more endurable. I was just so excited that you talked to me and at least to me, it was a very giving conversation. But please don't feel like you have to talk to me if you're not up for it. I don't mean it like that. Only that, yes it's beyond nice if you're up for it, but I don't have those kind of, or any, demands on you.
Should probably edit this as I'm starting to get tipsy/mellow and it's a lot of rambling between sensible things, but I don't know. Rough editing is always tedious and maybe you wouldn't mind a little bit of rambling? It's not all pointless, and I do have a feeling you know that. Maybe more than I know it myself. So I'll leave you with this, hoping it's at least a little sense in it. Watching over you from afar, I really do think you'll get through this. But even if you don't, even if anything, I'll still be here.
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