To my long lost love

I have not forgotten what you mean to me. But sometimes I have been wanting to. That maybe if I could move on... that things would be easier then. Do you even know what it's been like loving you when you were never here? My heart is just a wound. But I still carry you with me in my soul and I can easily promise that I will never fully let go. I think... this obsession with K has messed with both my heart and my head.

I don't know who he might or might not be, and maybe it's just me wanting things left to right, but I feel he's important on a level beyond what I can understand. And it got me so pulled into it. I thought maybe he was you, I wanted him to be you. Cause then he would love me sooner or later. Is that awfully selfish of me?

And I want you to know although I think you already do, that I believe as long as I have you I cannot possibly find love on Earth. I had the love of my life, of my entire existence, I had you. You were like an extension to my soul, the missing piece that I just couldn't live without. Guess fate had other things in mind, didn't it?

And I don't know what I'm trying to achieve, writing in English to a Dalarian ghost who might not be around anywhere to read it, I don't even know if I'll post this. But maybe I am considering the fact that you might be around and closer than I thought before. I miss you, I've missed you more than I could handle. The grief eventually turned to numbness.

I found comfort in loving K when most of my grief had turned into numbness. I know I can't love him more than you, because he may be in my heart, but you're in my soul. Our love reaches beyond death, beyond anything human. And I still remember the last time I saw you, back in Dala, like the last time I actually saw the real you. The memory faded but then it came back to me.

In it, I see you standing there, looking at me from a bit of a distance, they wouldn't let you too close. You looked sad, but calm too, as if you knew that wasn't really our last goodbye while I was just incredibly scared and reaching out for you. That's the last thing I can remember from Dala, reaching out to you. And of course I cannot know for 100% sure that that was a real memory, I can't when it comes to any memory, but I think it is. It feels like it is. The shivers and trembles in my entire being tells me it's just gotta be real.

But why can't I remember our first memory, but only the last? I don't know how I met you, back in Dala. Perhaps a stupid cliche, but it really was as if we had known each other forever. We had half an eternity together in a perfect paradise, and I miss you more than I miss our home world.

And I know I keep ranking things for no good reason, it's just how my human mind works. I know I didn't use to be that way. Back then, I was more "things just are the way they are" instead of trying to rank them in different types of orders. I was a master of chaos and in a way, I guess you were too. We were different, but also very alike. I can't remember everything, but we did draw a lot attention. That much I remember.

I'm still in the process of reviving my old memories, there's so much I want to remember about you and us, that I can't right now. And why do I keep seeing you on that cliff edge with wind in your hair, looking over your shoulder? What does that memory mean? It's the first memory I ever had of you.

That is, the first one I got back in my early childhood. And I've been feeling like everything has been so hopeless, waiting for you, coming back home again, when I just keep on living and you've seemed to be so far far away. We had so much back in Dala, damn we had everything. Do you remember how much we thrived there? And if you don't, I can assure you that we really did. Of course we had some hardships too, but it really can't compare to my life here on Earth at all.

I just keep wanting to turn back time and to never have come here in the first place. I don't care about learning, experience or anything! I only care about having what I lost again. But I've been searching to hopefully find you here, but now knowing I might have, it just doesn't feel right. Perhaps I'm just slow, perhaps there lies something within that. I don't know, and I think it's too early to tell.

But fact remains that my mind is running rampant and refuses to slow down. In fact I think the storm is increasing and I will dive, if it hasn't started already. Cause why else am I here, if not to find the answers I seek? I know you've gotta be somewhere if not right here, as I do believe that our souls are immortal, that they go on existing even when our bodies die. And truth is, I've never felt a love as strong as I do to you, and maybe that's why I'm hesitating now.

I've learned from at least some of my mistakes in life, and I might even have learned too much. Meaning, I might take a step back and refuse to believe cause I'm scared of getting hurt again. People have told me so much, and I've told people so much, it's hard to know which words to trust.

And I don't have the language to tell you what I need to say, and you might not have that language anymore either. I suppose... I expected so much. Too much and I don't know what to make of anything anymore.

"They say that it's always darkest right before the dawn
They say that I must be strong just to carry on
But they don't know that I would wait my whole lifetime through
Because of you, my love, that I'd be waiting just for you

There you stood, amazing shining for the whole world to see
And I knew an angel had been sent to watch over me

So I'll be waiting, hoping, dreaming, loving you
Because I know, my love, that you do love me too

They say that it's always darkest right before the dawn
They say that I must be strong just to carry on
But they don't know that I would wait my whole lifetime through
Because of you, my love, that I'd be waiting just for you

There you stood, amazing shining for the whole world to see
And I knew an angel had been sent to watch over me

So I'll be waiting, hoping, dreaming, loving you
Because I know, my love, that you do love me too" -Blackmore's Night, "Waiting just for you"

That song just popped up in a playlist of mine on Spotify and I knew it was about you, Caspian, when an actual, literal tear fell from my eye. I'll keep listening to it, but for now, my long lost love, I'm out of words to tell you.