One of those empty days

It hurts to breathe, it still does, and I still have chest pains. It's something I can't really tell people, or complain loudly about, cause then I'd only get told to quit smoking. And I hate it when people tell me that. I just googled that lung disease for a list of symptoms and yeah, seems I have almost all of them at least right now, but it comes and goes? Just that this past week it hasn't gone at all. It wouldn't surprise me if I have it, just not so keen on going to a doctor to find out.

I had chocolate for the first time in two months. Could just not resist it. It's just 123x2 calories though, so not an obscene amount of chocolate. I had so much trouble at the grocery store just now, as I was cold, hungry and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to eat. Eventually I found a chicken wrap thing that would have to do. It didn't exactly taste all that fantastic but it went down so yeah whatever.

I'm just so hungry today. But tomorrow I'm most likely gonna try to fast again. I don't know what to say, my head feels so empty. I'm tired, almost enough to just fall asleep where I am, but not quite. I might still try, I don't know. Yeah okay I did manage to sleep for a couple of hours, until my dreams became so weird that I woke myself up.

I think I'm masturbating too much and it's what's fucking with my dreams. That pun was so not intended... I've long passed the point of what my previous contact person from the eating disorder unit thought was too much. I don't know what's too much when it comes to that though. Cause it's not like it's harming anyone or anything. Except my hands are literally hurting from it. Should probably tmi warn this but whatever. Won't write so extensively or deeply about it.

But yeah, it was included in that dream, like really a lot and in ways that are not for anyone to know. That's something I'd just rather keep to myself and I don't think I want for anyone to know about it. My mind is just too sick sometimes. I know I can't stand it.

Don't really have much to say today, so I'll leave you with this, before I go to bed. Just one more cigarette and finishing everything off then sleep.