Lost in thoughts

Y, I just thought of it cause I'm past the point of crashing mentally and my mind is not working as intended (erh, more than usually, that is) but if you liked that song by Evanescence I would strongly also recommend "Lost in paradise" if you haven't heard it already. The lyrics in that song are even more amazing. It reminds me of Dala, Caspian, not feeling like I belong here and it might just be my number one favourite song by them.

Don't know if you're aware, but I think there's definitely a double meaning to the phrase "lost in paradise" as it means to be like you're living in your dreams, head in the clouds sort of, and also to me it means I'm lost in Dala, which is my paradise. Simply, that song has a very significant meaning to me. I'll share the lyrics here, just in case you're interested:

"I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Alone, and lost in paradise"

Just wanted to tell you that, briefly. I don't think my senses are working quite as they should and I've worn myself out quite a bit this week. But it was the last week of school for this term so I guess I wanted to make an effort. I think I just need to rest for a few days and then I should be myself again. I still want to write to you though, even when I don't know what to say. I just thought of something though, and that is I want to tell you that I don't find it annoying or bothersome in any way, that you're not answering much. I appreciate every little word you do write and they warm me, comfort me in a way.

And I don't want to stop writing to you no matter what, but it might happen that it could be a day or a few between my messages to you sometimes. But it's nothing against you at all. It's just my mind with a million things on it simultaneously that sometimes I get side tracked and I don't have much control over it. You know my thoughts and emotions rule me and I'm just trying to keep up as well as I can. Yes, you are on my mind even when I don't write to you, but it's not always concrete thoughts that I can easily write down.

Often times it's so abstract that all I know it's you lingering in there but I don't know much more than that. Though, I often ask myself how you are, what you could be doing or thinking at random moments of the day or night. I hope you're not doing too awful, that you can at least feel alright some moments here and there. And I think what I would do if I was there with in person, in your hardest and not so hard moments, any moments.

I don't really know what I would do, but to just be there, you know? Perhaps talk a little, share some of my experiences or random thoughts that happen to be on my mind. Yeah, you're not just on my mind when I'm half drunk at 2:00 am but also when I'm sober by my computer, at school or wherever at 11:00 am or 4:00 pm, or any other times of the day, in any state of mind, and any location. I'm not sure exactly what it means that I think so much about you, but that I care about you and want to be by your side.

There's a lot I haven't figured out yet, and mostly I try to leave it at that, for now at least. I believe I will figure things out when the time is right for that, and as of now I just accept it. Welcome the thoughts and whatever feelings may or may not be involved. They are a bit like abstract art that can be interpreted in many ways but really can't be interpreted at all. However, I don't try to fight them or analyse them to bits as of now, I have so much already going on and I just don't think now is a good time for it. Although, some days I do a little bit of analysing but so far it really hasn't gotten me much of anywhere.

I do believe they are positive feelings though, if there is such a thing. They're not dark, depressing or painful at least. They make me curious and I guess that curiosity is a bit hard for me to contain. Still echo everything we've said and written, or a lot of it at least as I can't remember exactly everything of course, but yeah a lot of it still echoes within me. I don't regret anything I've said, I have no reason to. Sometimes I might wish I had said more, but it's often like that, that you can't think of words in the moment but they come to you later on.

It's a lot like that for me. I might be thinking about a million things at once, but it's so hard to find words to say. I guess that could be a reason as to why it's easier for me to write than to talk, cause then I've got more time. I can go over the same text many times and add things and I could literally do that forever cause I can always find more stuff to add. It's an endless process that I eventually just have to end, or nothing would ever be finished.

But when I talk it's rather the opposite. Then I can't find words and everything in my head suddenly seems so vague and abstract. Although, I have noticed that it's not so hard for me to talk with you. I don't know why for sure, but I think it has to do with safeness, that I feel safe with you and then I can relax more and I'm not so scared of saying "the wrong thing" or messing up my words. I always have difficulties with that, even with my mother, my best friend and K. Even everyone I know and have known. I think that's my childhood shyness that still leaves a trail somehow.

I was very shy as a child and only ever spoke when someone first spoke to me. I never initiated contact under any circumstances. But then, when I was 15, summer between 8th and 9th grade, I just decided to "stop being shy" and ever since I've been working on it. I never thought it would still linger 11 years later though. I'm pretty certain it was the bullying that made me so shy, I just expected to be laughed at or get shit every time I opened my mouth.

But anyhow, I don't feel that shyness as much when I talk to you. A little bit, but it's like it's wearing off somehow. Also, I do tend to get completely random spurs of bravery/courage sometimes too where I do half insane things that are totally out of my comfort zone. Then it's like I don't even have a comfort zone. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's happened when I'm with you yet. Just saying that it can happen and also most likely one day will. It's something I do look forward to, or I would if I thought about it, but I'm not expecting it. Just know that it's a part of who I am, and I guess maybe I'd like for you to see that part as well.

Okay, I'm starting to run out of words, but I did apparently have a lot to say to you right now. I hope I could bring you some comfort or support, or anything along those lines. I'm still here and I want to show you that in any way I can. I still want to share my life with you, my thoughts and feelings. If I don't write to you in a few days again, please bear in mind that I am exhausted and beyond and might lose my words because of that. But I might also not and I might write you walls of text every single day. Or it becomes something in between, I can never really know.

It all depends on how my mind is working and how well. But no matter how it's working and if it's working, you're still on it. Every day and night. But for now I can't think of anything more to say, think I need to disappear into Azeroth (WoW) for a while and do some mindless monster killing. But I'll write to you again soon, as soon as something, anything pops up or becomes clear enough to put into words. If you need me, if I need you and any other times. You are dear to me, that too I want to have said before I end this text. You are, very much.