Heart and soul

I don't know what to do with today. Morning thoughts still linger past 15:00 o'clock and I'm in some kind of vague mist where everything is dulled. But it's clear at the same time. Maybe it's just empty and I'm using too many words to describe a void. Or maybe it's something deeper that I can't grab, nor understand. It's too early for feelings like these. Or maybe I just woke up too late. Don't understand why I slept for so long, the only thing I can think of is that I was awake for a long time yesterday and drawing takes more energy than it feels like when I'm at it. It comes afterwards.

I'm listening to Marillion again and I feel it was just the right choice of music this time. Lately it's been hard to find what my heart wants, erh, in terms of music, that is. No, in any other terms my heart screams loud and clear for what it wants. Constantly, fucking constantly and it's exhausting to listen to. I don't really listen to it though, as I cannot give it what it wants. I just acknowledge it, accept it and let it scream. Soothe it if I can. Tell it that with time and patience, anything could potentially be possible.

What else can I do? Telling it to simply shut up with the constant nagging is obviously not gonna help at all. Then it's better to just let it be, let it hunger for what it aches for. Perhaps it will let me breathe someday. I'm so full of aching and longing that it tears me apart more often than I can understand. My heart for what it wants, and my soul for what it wants. It's not even the same things. I see it as, that my heart is human but my soul is not. The latter carries homesickness, or hiraeth, a longing too strong and alien for me to be able to fully describe. My heart mostly just wants love it cannot have.

It's as if they're two different species stuffed inside the same body, and they're separated from each other and don't communicate very well. They tear me in two different directions and in the end my soul will probably win. As it cries for death and for that to take me back to Dala, while my heart begs of me to stay and to be close to K and everyone else that I love. I believe, in the end my heart will take the biggest hit, as I cannot stay forever and even if I could, its yearning can still not be satisfied. It will die broken, shattered and scarred.

And I don't have the power to mend it. Even if I could though, it would most likely break again. And again and again. It might not be weak, but it's highly sensitive and can't carry all those big emotions its creating out of nowhere. I do believe that the best way, despite everything and how weird it may sound, is to let it remain broken. To somehow find a way to live with it being that way. That's better than to heal and break and heal and break again. I think that was worse in the past, as every time it broke I broke too. And why heal it when it obviously is completely pointless?

Is that what it's telling me? That it's pointless and I shouldn't even bother? That I should instead find a way to live with it as it is? It doesn't sound illogical to me. I believe it's a strategy I found only because I couldn't find a better one. Am I trying to live? I suddenly ask myself. No, but maybe I'm trying to find a way to survive. As it feels I don't have much of a choice and I can't die. I'm reaching the end of this thought process, and don't know how to finish this text. I just caved in and had some kind of breakfast and I can't think clear.