Wing clipped and cut down

I'm not entirely sure, still, exactly what type of demon I once was. I haven't done much research lately. But I'm still leaning to either goethic demon, watcher/observer or vampiric demon. I am confused about what diet I might possibly have had, since half I don't think I needed to eat at all, and half I'm pretty sure I was a carnivore or blood drinker. Cause as I still am having trouble understanding and accepting the whole concept of eating things, I do have a huge appetite for things with lots of protein in it, mainly meat.

I don't even understand why I seem to literally crave twice as much protein as I actually need. My "ideal" meals consist of about a half protein based food, a third vegetables and the rest carbs. Humans don't need that much protein, not even body builders. So all I can think is that I somehow have before been very used to eating a lot of meat. That's one of the reasons being vegan didn't really work for me. No matter how I twisted and turned it I could not satisfy my protein craving. And I mean, I ate and drank a whole lot of beans, soy, tofu and so on but it was literally never enough.

And blood... yeah, in periods I think it tastes good and can have a bit almost every day. Part of the reason why I cut myself before: free access to blood. I never consumed any substantial amounts, I mainly had it for the taste. And another weird thing is that when I eat like really bloody beefs I do get some weird kick out of it. Like I literally get high. Too bad those are damn expensive and I'm not really that good at cooking them properly, or I'd have at least one every single day. It's better than getting drunk, seriously. But it doesn't last very long.

I have even thought that I should just become a full fledged carnivore and stop eating carbs and vegetables, but I just don't think this human body would approve of that. That's just one of the things that are solid proof that my soul and or mind just isn't designed for my body. What I want, crave and need is not what my body wants, craves and needs. We clash and we clash hard.

So, that is one of the things I haven't quite figured out yet, what my strange eating habits may or may not have to do with my soul being demonic. But being a mythical creature, I think there's a lot of things that I just won't be able to explain with scientific reasoning. It's like... it's not so easy to find information about being demonkin on otherkin websites, or it hasn't been in the past.

Haha, I just remember I once wrote about otherkin as an English assignment for School, back in fall 2010. I don't think a single person in that classroom even remotely understood what I was talking about. It's like extremely complicated for me to talk about in Swedish cause none of those terms can be translated. The closest translation for the word otherkin I've found is "av en annan sort" which directly translates back to "of another kin/kind" and I know it's faulty.

I mean, I don't exactly understand everything about the concept of otherkin, but I know enough to know that's where I belong. I quite recently met another person on tumblr who was also otherkin and we discussed it a bit. They said that I seemed like a "newly awakened" otherkin and I was just like... eh, I awakened five years ago... That was a tad awkward. They often speak of awakening about the process of realising/understanding what/who you are among otherkins.

I'm just bored with researching different demon types when it's all just so much biased, opinionated bullshit when it comes to that specific species. I don't know, I know enough about humans views on demons and myself to be able to figure out that 1) their opinions mostly suck, 2) mythology isn't fact, 3) my own memories and feelings are valid despite that, and 4) I think the rest will come to with time. As I continue to unlock more memories, I also discover more about myself and who I was.

I wasn't really a "good" demon as such, but I wasn't downright evil either. I was chaos and darkness, did awful things and was a bit of a savage, but I was also a prophet, very wise, reaching out to people and capable of feeling love stronger than humans can even imagine. Such was I, at my full potential. I believe, that who I am now, with my personality and "difficulties" is who I've always been, but those difficulties didn't become sickness before I came here and tried to live as human.

What I'm trying to say is, yes I think I've always been this way (but a lot more) just that in this world I can not function with that. Here it is a hinder, there it was not. Here I can't take care of my messy apartment, there I could easily fix that by just waving my hand in a gesture. Here I'm having a hard time with being social cause I just don't belong here, there it was simpler cause I did belong. I felt at home, safe and on top of the world.

Yes, I'm still the same person, or at least so do I believe, but cut down. I've been dramatically wing clipped and cut down to fit into this human shell. Like Cinderella's step sisters cut their feet to fit into the glass slipper. Or, well that's one version of the story that I heard a bunch of years ago. A bit more macabre than the original fairy tale, I suppose. Anyhow, I do believe that I was at my full potential in Dala, I was so much me completely without inhibitions or restraints.

That's how I spell freedom. To be at my full potential again, to belong and feel at home. To just be me, in all its entirety, again. That's what I mean by being complete. Once I was, but I've been shattered, broken, cut down and somehow also became more. Cause yes, this life has surely brought me something as well. It's given me a whole lot of knowledge, and some wisdom that I don't think I had before. As far as I can remember, my knowledge about human beings was very limited, or just didn't exist at all, back in Dala.

I had no reason to know anything about humans, as Dala was a human-free zone, so to say. I sincerely doubt there was any humans there at all, or it just wouldn't have been such a perfect paradise. But I could be wrong, and I know that there's at least one particular human I'd like to bring with me there if I would get that option, but then I'm not always certain that person actually is as human as they think they are. I mean, it's quite possible that they were something else in a past life too. I've seen signs, I've been looking for signs.

Of course, it could be that I've been looking too damn hard for such signs there, but I still think it's a vague possibility at least. It also is a damn possibility that literally no one is originally human. Like, maybe we all come from someplace else and were something else originally, just that so few of us can remember it. I don't know, it's just a thought. But then some people are just so young souls that that thought is hard to put in practice, so to say. I mean, there are people who just seem to be so overly human and as if they've never been anything else.

I don't know that many such people personally, as I tend to both attract and be attracted to people with a little bit more depth. With more soul. Although, most people I know don't seem to be quite as ancient and aware of their pasts as I am of mine. That seems to be rare and I can't help but wonder why. It's nothing against them, just a wondering as to why it is that way. And maybe I do wish more people could have memories of past lives, that it would be easier to connect on some deeper level then. I mean, the human me... it's just a shell, something forced upon me. Something I have to be, like a job I have to do.

But then I do know people who remember past lives, just that they remember past lives as humans, like they were humans then too. So then I can't connect either. I just... feel like I need to get to know non-humans somehow. I'm not saying I would reject humans for non-humans, not in this world and not in any other, not after having lived among them for all this time. I don't hate humans.

Well, I despise the race, the species, but love and care for individuals. But you know that and there's no need for me to tell you that again. But I just feel as though... something is missing. And I can't even explain what it is. But I think what I'm actually doing, is looking for pieces of Dala here on Earth.