Finding the space

Please talk to me K, we could talk about anything, anything just please talk to me. I miss you beyond reason. I see you coming online on skype a bit like every day, but you never talk to me and I don't know if I should initiate contact or not. I'm just too much right now. Too much or too little there's no in between. But it was weeks ago you told me to stay away and then we did talk a little on facebook after that so I'm thinking maybe you wouldn't be pissed if I said hello? Maybe I could take it as well if you would get pissed, I'd just tell you I'm sorry for bothering you and that I just missed you that's all.

I don't know how to reach out to you. Or how to stay away when I need you so much. When I ache and bleed for you. I know you don't want me mentally bleeding all over but I just can't stop it. It's not in my control. Apparently according to skype last time we talked there was May 22nd. That's a while ago.

Anna: Stop flirting.
Me: Nope.

I know he's taken, but I just can't simply stop that. I mean, like telling him how awesome he is, or how awesome some aspect of him is. I just want him to know, without telling him directly. Me out loud: "And I'm fucking drunk, and I say shit, that I probably shouldn't." Not that anyone can hear me, but still. And maybe they shouldn't, I don't know.

I deliberately search for imperfections in him, you know. Or maybe you don't but I'm telling you now. I search for what I would not deem as perfect or even likable traits, but still can't help but loving everything. Like... how I just love it whenever he posts a drunken picture of himself that he doesn't feel he looks good in and I just... gasp. At how real it it is and somehow it makes me feel closer to him somehow.

And traits of his personality too, things I would never ever announce, not here, not anywhere, it's simply between me and him. But somehow... I don't know. I just want to get to know the real him, the parts he hides. I believes he has good reasons to, and I'd never force him to tell me anything, but I don't know, I'm just curious.

I can only drink one more glass now, and it's like... I just want more. Should have bought more vodka but it's just Tuesday and I'm already slowly losing my ability to write. I've still kept his picture as a screen saver on my cell phone for 2,5 years although it's been different pictures of him. I think though, that I've found the right one now. With a slight, genuine smile, or so I believe. I can see sadness in his eyes even when he's smiling, on still pictures too, and I don't know, but a genuine smile of his always warms my heart. Cause I see them so seldom.

I'm starting to yawn, will probably crash soon. Or not, cause I'm trying to install something and it just won't work cause I don't have enough disc space and the anger over it is making me freak out. What the fuck am I supposed to do, just delete everything I can never download again? I guess I'll assess this problem again tomorrow, buy a bunch of memory discs or whatever they're called and put everything on them. Just gotta make this work somehow. Just fucking gotta.

I just don't have much disc space to begin with and it's just... I don't know what to do. I do have an external hard-drive but I don't have the wires to connect it to my computer. So it's just standing there, collecting dust.

Why can't I stop thinking about it? Damn it hurts more than it feels good to think about. It hurts so much more cause most likely it's never gonna happen. I wish I wasn't so obsessed, I wish I could let go a little, but I don't want to love him any less.