And it might just be the saddest thing ever but sometimes I like being cold cause the shivers is the only thing that makes me feel alive. And I meant to post this text yesterday but never got around to it, so I'm posting it now instead.
Like okay, I just randomly called Anna "a fucking cow" and I don't think I've used that specific insult at her before. She was mocking my anger and it tipped me over the edge. Nothing out of the ordinary. She does that all the time, I do that all the time.
We hate each other as much as we love each other, it's a relationship that's really hard to explain. We have so much shit in our past, that if she had been a real person, never seeing each other again would have been a great idea. I mean... I can't even tell this blog what's she's done to me, or what I've done to her. Yeah okay I can tell you what I've done to her, cause that's nothing. I've threatened her, insulted her, screamed at her and called her every horrible thing I could ever think of twenty times a day.
At our worst we yelled at each other 24/7 for about a month or two, I can't remember exactly. That was back in 2011 right before we swore our truce. No more fighting, we said, gasping after air after endless fights. I still can't ever forgive her for what she did to me. It's something I don't think most people could understand, and possibly no one alive could relate to.
But Y, I think you could figure it out. I'll give you hints. She can control our body. Not much and very seldom, but sometimes she just takes over and I can't do anything, for about 10-20 minutes before she's completely drained of energy. What can she possibly do, if she has full control for that amount of time and she knows exactly which my weakest points are cause she knows me better than anyone?
Yeah. That's like the one trauma I can't ever tell my shrink about. What would she think? It's just... I don't know. Such things should not even be possible. I don't even know. Maybe, that some people with dissociative identity disorder may have gone through something similar. Cause that's what I mean by her taking over my body, we switch places. In those states, I'm like a voice in her head. I can't speak, I can't move. She's talking and moving our body as if it was her body. It's only happened two or three times in my entire life.
I've let her once, like I on purpose gave her the opportunity. It's silly perhaps but I was looking for something in my apartment here and I couldn't find it. Then she said she might know where it is and I asked her to find it for me. Then she couldn't find it, but that's not the point, and I don't remember what it was we were looking for. But then I got to know her a bit better. I saw how different her body language was compared to mine, how her voice cracked as she was speaking in a higher pitch that my throat was not used to. Not for many years now.
She's so different from me I sometimes can't believe we once used to be the same person. I would hesitate to say this, but I think she's darker than I am, more evil. Cause she's done things similar to what I've done but for completely different reasons. What she did to me... it was beyond what I could even begin to understand. She did it to hurt me, to control me and because she's a lunatic. I wouldn't want her roaming free in this world, as her own person and with her own body. I'd probably make sure she stays far away from everyone I love.
Still I don't want to get rid of her and I can't understand why. She's a monster, but also easily misunderstood. She sees it as that she's trapped inside me and she's desperately trying to claw her way out. And, it's gotten way out of hand at times. So far out of hand that... I'm lacking words. What have I ever done to her? Sometimes she's blaming me for being trapped inside my mess of a mind but it's just not my fault.
Blame those who assaulted me when I was 9, blame God, blame anyone but me, I tell her. I'm just here, trying to make the best of the situation and she should know, that I'm just as trapped as she is. Our wars weren't always quite that dark, quite that awful. But every 5th or so year, we've gone through periods of making each other's lives as horrible as possible for no other reason than that we're two beasts trapped in the same cage ripping apart each other's guts.
Our wars haven't always been so extreme, but I can only remember two. The first one, and that one back in 2011. The first one was when I realised two things: 1, she wasn't real and 2, she wasn't leaving. I was about 11-12-13 years old by then and she had been around since I was 9. And I look back at the horribly miserable child I was and have no comfort to give him. Did it get better? No. Did she ever go away? No. Should that young me, suicidal for the first time, had killed himself right then and there? Oh my fucking god yes!
I'm sorry, I'm regretting half my life again because of a persistent voice in my head. That I don't want to get rid of. Maybe I don't wish I had killed myself before my teens because of Anna, but because of everything including her. Far too many times she's been my reason for suicide. To break open the cage that is our mind, break free once and for all. To be rid of her, or to fuse us back together as one person again. I just know it's not gonna happen for as long as we're still alive. Mostly, these days, I can handle it though. As long as we keep up our truce but lately it's been crumbling, so I really don't know. Another war could happen at any time from now. And I wouldn't know how to cope.
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