Wrote a poem yesterday, about part of my love to K but I'm not sure if I want to post it anywhere. It's not so sugar coated, and reminds of that last entry in which I really opened up about those feelings. The entry I called "Stronger than fire" a few days ago or so. Now I'm fighting hunger with coffee and trying to find the right words for anything. Anything, something I just gotta write. And I would like to draw something without drawing our faces, as to how I somewhat see it. The four of us. How to me, it all ties together in some way or another. It's so hard to just use words to describe what I feel when it comes to that, but I'll try.
Like how I kinda see Y by one side of me, reaching out for me, and I do reach out to him too, but perhaps not as much as I reach out to K who is on the other side of me. And he's somewhat reaching out to me too but not as much as he's reaching out for his partner. And the four of us almost make like links to a chain. And I'm the only one who knows all three of them, somewhere in the middle. I wouldn't say I'm the answer, but I'm like... on the outside, the only one seeing all that's going on somehow.
It's a complicated situation for me, but I think, considering all the circumstances and reality as it is, it can't really get much better than that. Not as things are right now, at least. It could make a dark and colourful drawing, if I only knew how to go about it. Hands and hearts for sure, but more than that I don't really know. Some form of chain, but not to be confused with shackles. Not that kind of chain. It's a chain of hearts, people reaching out for each other with all the best intentions.
I've been pondering over it for a while now, that chain, and if I could make some kind of art based on it. I don't think it's gonna be an easy thing to draw, as it's so much chaotic feelings involved. And I've never really been good at drawing feelings. But I think it could become a really awesome piece of art too, if I just put some of my last remaining energy into it.
But yeah, it sure creates some half unnecessary drama in my head. It's just complicated whether I want for it be or not, to love a person who loves someone else and to be loved by a third person that I can't really love back. But still I hold on to everyone not wanting to let go of either person in any sense. Why even should I? It does stir up a chaos in my heart and mind, but usually I'm handling it surprisingly well. I manage to keep thoughts and feelings separated, I know at least on some level, which goes where. And at the end of the day, it's more of a comfort than a mess.
That I really do want and need those people in my life, perhaps for the same or different reasons. Love is love, right? Sometimes I don't get why I feel the need to categorise it so much all the time. Maybe it lets me pretend that it's easier to understand it that way, how my complicated mess of a heart works. That I grade love in how much I feel for someone and also in what way.
Like I see it that I can love people mainly in three different ways. One of them is family love, which is mostly directed to those of my blood but not always. I love my best friend that way too. And Anna as well. Then it's friendship love, which is the most complicated for me to define as it tends to vary a lot in strength. Like some friends I only want a platonic relationship with, barely even that, while others I want more with, without actually being in love with them. Then the third category is romantic love, which is the most crazy and uncontrollable for me. And oddly enough, I think I love K in all three ways at the same time.
Then there are even more categories, like love for animals, but it's mainly those three. I believe it's just me trying to understand my heart and soul, how they work, but it's never really been quite that easy. I know that I can't just simply love a person and expect for everything to work out. My last boyfriend for example, I really did love him, but only on a friendship level. He loved me on a romantic level and it messed me up completely. Just didn't work out at all. No, he never hurt me at all, that was only me hurting myself. And I couldn't reach out to him, I couldn't tell him how I really felt.
I was in love with someone else too, and all the time I just wanted to be with that other guy that I had no chance with. I still sometimes go to his facebook page just to lurk, but every time it makes me more and more uncomfortable. I only do that when he posts something on a mutual friend's status or something, which isn't very often. I don't know why I do it but I guess I'm just curious. Like in my mind I go "I used to be in love with him" as if I somehow can't understand it and I'm looking for a reason.
He was one of those whimsical people, T, who did care about me, but just missed me by metres even when I was right by his side. It wasn't his intention, he was just like that, all over the place at once. He had a lot of people he cared about about back then (I don't even know how things are now, but it's been 5 years, so who knows) and I just always felt like I sort of disappeared into the background, without it being intended that way.
Following him around was like running around in a labyrinth. It exhausted me, but I didn't really know what else to do. I don't really follow K around the same way, not as literally at least, as it's kind of impossible in my situation, but the few times we have met in real life I have not been wanting to let him out of my sight. At all. I feel a bit like a faithful dog when I'm in love. Or maybe more like a cat who's found its favourite person.
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