Starting mid sentence

And Y, if you ever do feel up for it sometime again soon, or not soon, like whenever, I do want to chat with you again. It really was a lot to take in last time, but I don't mean that in a negative way. I miss you, but I do want you to take the time you need to get yourself back into something more like yourself again. Just wanted you to know that I do miss you and would like to chat again when you feel up for it. It doesn't have to include webcam but that would be nice too. No demands at all, just like to throw this out there.

And it might be that I'm a little bit drunk right now that some feelings come out that I'm not as aware of when I'm sober, but I missed you when I was sober too, so I do see that as a genuine feeling, or what to say. I'm always starting mid sentence right now and don't really know where I'm at. Just drifting left to right without much direction but my thoughts and feelings somehow led me to you.

Perhaps it's not that unusual these days and I feel as though maybe I have reached a point where I feel I can be myself so much more around you. I don't even know why I didn't feel I could before, as I told you, but I don't know if you remember. I remember though, that I told you I can't understand why I lied and tried to deceive you before cause I really had no reason to. But now, I think my reasons were that I was scared of things I had no reason to be scared of.

Ironically, I lied cause I was scared of hurting you. And also I just seem to resort to lies when I get into what I deem as tricky situations. Like when I feel as though I should agree when I really don't and I just find myself saying that I agree anyway. Cause it's easier than having to deal with any kind of conflict. Yes, I suddenly realise, that conflict is something I'm awfully scared of. I avoid conflict and have for as long as I can remember by any means possible.

I don't know for sure why I'm so scared of it that I hurt people half on purpose to avoid it, but ever since I was a young child I've always gotten very scared whenever someone got angry with me. I guess, I just can't in any single way risk people getting mad at me. But I'm letting it go, that too, cause why should I even be so scared of that? It doesn't make much sense to me.

I also remember you told me you wouldn't want to be loved the way I'm obsessively in love with K, and all I can think of is, that neither of us has much choice when it comes to that. I didn't choose to be obsessively in love love with K, it just happened and to be honest, I don't want it to be that way at all. I'd like to love with reason, love in a sensible way that isn't an all consuming fire that never stops burning everything in sight. I might even get obsessed with you that way one day, I can never know to which depths my heart will take me.

All I know is the past and the now and all I can do is making the best or the worst I can of the situation I'm in. And right now, I'm pretty damn close to clueless. But I wanted to tell you this, knowing it might not be the right place for it, please tell me if I say too much on an all too public forum. I just can't know for sure what was intended to be kept in private or not. I try to just go with my feeling and if it's way too inclusive I ask.

This time it's borderline and I'm not afraid of you possibly getting mad at me, as I felt this was important to say, although I do keep it in mind that you might one day, no matter what it's about. Perhaps, your darkness doesn't scare me cause I somehow know it won't hurt me in ways I can't accept. I don't know if that's the right words, they feel half wrong but I can't find any better ones. I'll try though, cause I do want to be understood. That, whoever you are, you're my guide and you'll help me towards and along the path I'm meant to be on. I accept that wherever I'm going, it will be right for me.

And I do want you as my shadow and by my side wherever the hell I'm going. If it's towards literal death or towards another type of death that can't exactly be explained. I did take your message in that way, that you might have meant literal death but also you could not. I don't know exactly where I'm heading, it could be either. I know you know that too. Every minute of our lives, we could die or be reborn.

This following spring is the greatest mystery of my life, yet I know so much about it. And I do feel, that whatever happens, it will affect you too. Greatly. And I want to grab your hand, and tell you that I'll be by your side too whatever happens. I stay alert, keep my senses vivid and dive whenever I need to. And I know that sometimes dulling my senses also helps. Things really aren't black and white in my world, if they are in anyone's world.

Of course though, a part of me still fears what's gonna happen. Cause I think it will surprise me a lot and in ways I can't possibly expect or prepare myself for. But mostly I'm just curious, I ache for it, I'm willing to dive deeper than ever before, completely without any sort of lifeline. But in a way, you could be my lifeline. Not in the most literal sense, and not really in a figurative sense either. I don't know how to explain it other than that with you, I don't feel entirely alone.

Maybe in a sense, we somehow dive together? Not all the time and maybe not even in the same place, but in some sense? My thoughts are all over the place suddenly and I don't know what more to say to you, but I believe I've said a few things at least, that could be of importance. I'm not afraid of taking you with me into my darkness, and I'm not afraid of you taking me into your darkness either, I want to see it, to know it, be a part of it.