Hardly breathe

What do I do when I have thoughts I don't want to write down? I need to purge more, I need to harm my heart more. I don't even know why, but it's a response of some kind. Maybe I miss the flutters, symptoms that made me feel like dying. Like I actually had some kind of control.

I'm listening to "Diamonds and rust" by Blackmore's Night on repeat and shiver every single time. I don't think I've really listened to it before but I know I have heard it. I know it was K who made me start listening to that band, but indirectly so. I mean, he posted a music video of them quite some time ago (like 2 years ago) somewhere and it got me curious.

I guess I'll continue my self destruction by eating disorder next year. Cause these damn holidays are in my bloody way. I can't starve and probably can't purge either at my parents' place. I feel so damn empty right now, like the air just went out of me and I've forgotten how to breathe, but it's just a feeling and I'm still breathing.

I shouldn't get so upset every single time but I do. Containing it, yes, you would not be able to tell just by looking at me how the sadness that tore me apart turned to an aching numbness. I just don't even show emotions so how would I be able to show the lack of them?

And I want to tell you something Y, anything but I'm all out of words. Not that I feel like I have to or anything such, I just want to, but feel incapable. Thoughts of K are spinning on overdrive in my stressed out mind and I worry about him. I'm still capable of thinking of you too in the midst of that though. I'm in so many places at once right now and it literally makes me dizzy. And I don't have much control over it at all. Some, but not much.

I think without words, feel without emotions right now and it's all just a tumbling mess inside of me. I'm so tired but I can't sleep in this state. Eventually I'll have to. It hurts to smoke but I can't stop. Lighting a new cigarette right after putting the old one out. Again and again until I can restore some kind of sanity. I hope I can at least smoke myself to death eventually. My breathing problems have never been this severe and persistent before. I might be onto something there.

I can't make myself cook a meal just to purge it. Just the thought of food grosses me out and I can't make myself eat anything in this state. I don't even know how to describe it. Just a vague, distant... something. What's left of a thought or a feeling when you've suppressed it half enough to kill it but not entirely? There, that's where I am. It's the fear again, and it took me this long to figure that out, but it's barely there anymore. I think it broke me, or I broke it somehow. Cause I can't fully reach it anymore. It hangs over me and lingers, breaks me but I somehow manage to suppress it, to push away, at least somewhat.

Cause I could never deal with it, could never suffer through it. That fear, the strongest type of fear I've ever felt and it's very specific. I do get reminded sometimes, but it can't overwhelm me anymore. But... shouldn't say that too fast or too loud or it might just surprise me. Hit me with full strength again. If something happens. Then I'll crash so fucking hard I'll break into tiny pieces and I doubt I'd be able to fully restore again afterwards. But something might also not happen and my fears might not come true. I hope for that. What else can I do? I can't protect him.

"If you're offering diamonds and rust, I've already paid" makes me shiver every time I hear it. I don't even know why. It just hits a certain spot in me and I lose all direction I ever had in my thoughts. I don't know what to make of the lyrics yet, but they sound familiar somehow. Like they could be about K, or Caspian. Yeah, more about the latter, I suppose. But I can't even think about Caspian right now, cause missing him too in the midst of everything would just break me.

I don't really refuse any thoughts or feelings though, except from this fear, that is. Everything else can just come and go as it pleases. I've noticed it's best that way. And I need, I truly believe that I need to put some effort into pushing away that fear. I would do all sorts of crazy and dangerous things just to cope otherwise. Anything, sincerely anything. And it still wouldn't help. So, somehow I think it's better to suppress it. Bottle it up, choke it with numbness.